Looking For My Feet

Fit Date 011.12/149.4

2012-01-11T02:04:00.000-08:00

'Allo! It's that time of the week again where I donned my weigh in clothes, trekked down to the centre and sacrificed myself on the digital scale altar. I have to admit that my stomach doesn't churn in quite the same way as it used to, which is a nice change. Now I just heave a sigh, say a little prayer for success and step on the platform.

This week wasn't nearly as active as I had hoped it would be, but it wasn't too bad. I would have been happy to break even or lose just a small amount. As long as the number wasn't going UP, I was fine. And I was rewarded for my efforts with a LOSS!

Start Weight (Dec 28, 2011): 152.3 kg (335.06 lb)

Weight Last Week (Jan 4, 2012): 150.6 kg (331.32 lb)

Current Weight (Jan 11, 2012): 149.4 kg (328.68 lb)

Loss this week: 1.2 kg (2.64 lb)

TOTAL Loss: 2.9 kg (6.38 lb)

Just 1.4 kg left to lose before I hit my mini goal of wanting to be at 148 kg by February 1st. YAY for mini goals!

* * * * * * * * * *

Now, I was recently tagged by Leigh over at Poonapalooza in a little "getting to know you" exercise. I'm supposed to provide 11 random facts about myself and then answer some questions that Leigh has laid out. Afterwards, I am meant to tag 11 other people. I'm going to skip that part, but I'll play along with the questions and the random facts. Feel free to click away now, but you never know...you might learn something!

11 Random Facts

1. Some women collect shoes or handbags and go all gaga when they see them in stores or pictures of them online. For me, it's books. Books, books, books. My favourite inanimate thing. Ever.

2. I have often thought that I was a twin and that she is out there somewhere in the world being hidden from me. Preposterous? Perhaps.

3. I always thought that spiders would be the most annoying pest to have in my house. Now, after a year of living in a house that seems to be a safe haven for wood cockroaches, I actually permit and enable the spiders to take up residence in my home. I have only one rule for them...they are not allowed to hang down from the ceiling in the middle of the room. Should they be caught doing this, they shall be evicted. To date, only one rebel arachnid has tested the boundaries. I made an example of him.

4. While I have always been fond of movies, of just about any genre, I have recently started re-watching all the 80s movies which I now realise were not fully appreciated in my more youthful years. As I re-live my youth through the classics like Labyrinth, The Goonies, Princess Bride and anything that the amazing John Hughes touched, I am once again reminded that I have been considerably slack in the parenting department when it comes to these things. Thus, I am relishing subjecting them to hours upon hours of movie goodness. Age appropriate of course. Mostly.

5. I have a horrible talent for dreaming up the "next best thing". Horrible because the ideas usually come to me in the middle of the night, interrupting my sleep and occasionally that of my tolerant husband and also because by the time I look into it online in the morning, I discover some brainiac already came up with it. Two years ago.

6. I have a dream that one day I will wake up and have all the talent and awesomeness of a CSI or Criminal Minds agent. Being that amazing without having to do years of study would certainly fit in with my life right about now. It could happen!

7. As a teen I had a friend who could stick her tongue behind her teeth and make it ripple, like waves. Despite many hours in front of a mirror trying to figure out how to do that and wiggle my ears, all I managed was figuring out how to flare my nostrils. Much to the delight of my children, I'm now a pro at that.

8. I can also stick my fist in my mouth. This was also courtesy of the same friend in my teen years. She had a rather wider mouth than I did and could do it much more easily but the two of us and our friend Kelly took great pleasure in doing it in front of my mother. That one simple act was enough to provoke my mother's gag reflex which in turn made us giggle and do it some more.

9. I consider sarcasm to be another language. I happen to be fluent in it, which is fantastic considering I spent years of schooling learning French, and a bit of German and the only thing that has remained in my brain is the sarcasm. I also do sexual innuendos and snide remarks with flair.

10. I've never been allowed to donate blood because I lived in the UK for too long during that whole "my cow thinks it's a chicken" phase of the 90s. I'm seriously considering fighting that ruling. First of all, I've never thought I was a chicken, I'm a cow through and through. Secondly? Quack.

11. I can't sing. Or rather, I can sing...but not well. Does that stop me from doing it? NOPE! Full volume, singing away in the shower, the kitchen, the car....I have a diva living inside me and she thinks she's Beyonce. I haven't got the heart to tell her that she's more like the bad auditions on American Idol.

So that's the 11 random facts, now for the questions:

1. What was your favourite food when you were a child?

I can't honestly remember. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it probably wasn't vegetables. Or stew (gag). Maybe mac 'n' cheese.

2. What is one of your favourite quotes?

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.' " ~ Ann Landers

3. What is your favourite body part?

I can't say that I really have one right now because I struggle with my body image so much at the moment. I like the length of my legs, the broadness of my shoulders and my hair, but I'm working on loving the rest!

4. If you could stay a certain age forever, what age would it be and why?

Um. I'm going to say none. I'm actually enjoying getting older and moving forward with my life.

5. If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?

For fitness/healthy living/weight loss? Jillian Michaels. She scares the shit out of me but I think she'd get me to where I need to be. For general life purposes? Dr. Phil. Say what you will about the big bald fella but he's awesome!

6. If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be?

Shemar Moore. One night only. Me, him, beach, cabana, oil, strawberries, whipped cream, awesome music. Obviously in this scenario neither of us is married or otherwise attached, which also means that in this scenario, after one night he would love me so much that he wanted to be with me forever. It's meant to be! He's just in denial.

7. What celebrity do you get mistaken for?

Erm, not so much mistaken for, but I've been told I bear an ever so slight resemblance to the girl who plays Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds. The fact that I would love to have the confidence to dress the way she does is just gravy.

8. What would you name the autobiography of your life?

2 Steps Forward, 6 Steps Back. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that.

9. What was the first thing you bought with your own money?

I don't know! Probably a CD. I would have been a teenager and earning my money by babysitting. So it would have been a CD or some such thing that I didn't need.

10. What was the last experience that made you a better person?

Gosh, I don't know! Not bitch slapping the last waitress that completely ignored me, the fat woman, in a restaurant in favour of concentrating on my rather good looking husband? Yeah, I'll go with that!

11. What was the last movie, tv show or book that made you cry or tear up?

"Soul Surfer". I haven't read the book but I watched the movie the other night and it was amazing. The courage of that girl to keep going despite all that happened to her...it really spoke to me. It showed me that I can DO this. I can do anything I put my mind to.

* * * * * * * * * *

So there ya have it folks! My facts, my answers, my weigh in. Have a great day, and come on over and visit me on Facebook won't ya?

Please don't feed her that!

2012-01-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

I watched her that morning. I've always liked watching her dance and twirl, the smile on her face stretching from one ear to the other. So I stood and watched as she paraded around the room, first in circles and then back and forth across the floor space.

That morning was different though. That morning, the smile wasn't as big, the parade not as flamboyant, the eyes not as sparkly.

I wanted so badly to march in, scoop her up and ask what might be wrong. But I stood and watched some more.

I watched as she walked from the bed to the dresser and stood in front of the mirror. I watched as she sucked her stomach in, pushed it out, sucked it in again.

Then I heard, in the faintest whisper: "I don't think I'm fat".

And my heart broke into a million pieces.

You see, she is my daughter and she's only 9. Since the day she was born, she's only ever known her mother to be overweight, but she has always been a healthy weight. A tall, slim 9 year old built of solid muscle, there isn't anything remotely fat about her but somehow, some way, it has crept into her consciousness that she might be.

And that breaks my heart.

When I hear that some little boy at school has told her she has a fat bum, I want to wash his mouth out with soap. When I see her and her friends flicking through magazines and looking at the celebs with their personal trainer bodies and perfectly tailored clothes, I want to rip them out of their hands and scream "they aren't REAL!!".

You see, I've always tried to foster a healthy body image in my daughter. I haven't been the best role model as far as eating and exercising but I'm trying to remedy that. I have always attempted to make sure she knows that being healthy and strong is important, not the size of your body. We've talked about beauty vs brains (she happens to have both), healthy eating, everything in moderation, blah blah blah.

So WHY was she standing in her room, in front her mirror and talking about being fat?

Because already society's ideals have started to permeate that little brain of hers. She watches tv and hears the girls on shows going on about being skinny. She sees the pictures in magazines. She hears the older girls at school obsess about their appearances and their bodies.

It needs to STOP!

I can't shelter her from everything, nor would I want to. All I can do is offer a different perspective on it all and hope it sinks in.

I don't want my daughter to be like me. I want her to make smarter, better choices. I want her to grow up to be smart and beautiful (inside and out). But mostly I want her to be healthy; I want her to be strong. I want her to be what she has always been......

.....AMAZING!

We need to stop feeding our girls the same old bullshit! The magazines and the celebrities and the fashion industry need to stop promoting the "you must skinny" ideal and start promoting the "you must be healthy" ideal.

Whether that means you're a size 2 or a size 16, I really don't give a crap.

Be healthy. Be amazing. Be fit. Be strong. Be true to yourself and your body.

But whatever you do, stop feeding that bullshit to my daughter because this little girl? She's awesome and she doesn't need to worry about being fat....she needs to worry about having fun and when her next sleepover is gonna be!

WINNING! But not like Charlie Sheen!

2012-01-08T01:07:00.000-08:00

One of the bad things about getting older is that sometimes the memory starts to have, well, let's call them lapses shall we? Now, I'm only in my early 30s, but already I have trouble remembering things. My boss calls this "Some-zheimers". My mother has "All-the-damn-time-zheimers" but we try not to tease her too much about it. You know what I'm talking about right? Get up from the couch, walk the 15 feet to the kitchen and proceed to stand there with a dumbass look on your face while you consider the options for WHY you are there?

Happens to me multiple times a day.

*sigh*

So, needless to say, I forgot that I was meant to be doing the draw for that book, "The End of Overeating". Yesterday. More than 24 hours ago. Can I use being blonde as an excuse? It works for Paris Hilton!

I finally remember 20 minutes ago. At 9 p.m. New Zealand time. I can't even honestly remember why I remembered. HA! See? "Some-zheimers"!

I took all the entries (10 of them, including my more-forgetful-than-me mother) and wrote them down on ugly yellow pieces of paper. Yeah, I like to kick it old school once in awhile. And then? Then I remembered that I had no impartial person here to pull out a name for me because my husband left to go back to work today.

So I did what any good mother would do. I went and woke up my daughter.

WHAT?!? After all those months of screaming, pooing, screaming some more and keeping me up half the night, I figured it was about time I was given the chance to wake HER up for once. So I did.

She wasn't nearly as UNimpressed as I'd thought she would be. It was kind of a let down actually. Maybe next time.

I think it might be a reflection of how used to my kind of crazy she is, when she doesn't even question WHY her mother has woken her up and handed her a bowl of paper. She just blindly goes along with it.

"Ok, now pick out a piece of paper for me and hold it up for the camera once you've unfolded it."

She started to giggle right about then, as I'm sure the ridiculousness of it all was hitting her. Or maybe she was just tired. Either way, I'm not sure whose hands were shaking more as I zoomed in to take a picture of the piece of paper so y'all could see who actually won.

Congratulations to Lorne from Ladybug Beauty! If you email me, I'll get that book out to you ASAP.

As for the rest of you, bring your friends along to this here party, and the fun over at my Facebook Page and pretty soon I'll be having another giveaway. FUN right?!

Fit Date 004.12/150.6

2012-01-04T01:29:00.000-08:00

Hello my lovelies! This has been a sensational week! What a way to start off 2012; just fantastic!

As I said in my previous post, I have signed up for the "Go The Distance 2012" challenge. A year long challenge where we all set a goal and do our damnedest to achieve it. And, as also previously mentioned, I set myself a goal of completing 2400 km on foot. This will be done by walking, running or on the elliptical. I'm off to a good start so far, logging just over 25 kms in the last 4 days.

Which is why, when the wonderful Tex (my WW leader & friend) reminded us this evening of the S.M.A.R.T way to set goals, I was able to sit comfortably in the knowledge that although the challenge is a year long thing, it is broken down into smaller, more achievable targets.

Do you know what the S.M.A.R.T way to set goals is? I had pretty much forgotten until Tex reminded us this evening.

S pecific

M easurable

A chievable

R ealistic

T ime

In the past, I have been guilty (multiple times) of setting goals so lofty that while they may be specific & measurable, they are certainly not achievable or realistic. Or I try and squeeze a goal that would be realistic in six months into two.

I know I'm not the only one. I've seen others do it. "I'm going to lose 10 kilos in the next month". Yeah ok, you might...if you're on The Biggest Loser or if you spend 5 hours a day working out every day for the next month. Or if you're lucky. But for most people, it just isn't a realistic goal. And all too often we find ourselves overextending.

It's good to have dreams. It's good to have goals. But as Tex so nicely reminded us tonight, it is important to stay grounded and make sure that when you set those goals, you have a shot of meeting them. Shoot for the stars, but make sure those stars are a little closer to Earth than Pluto.

* * * * * * * * * *

I had weigh in tonight. After my week of walking, swimming, drinking water and tracking what I eat, I am happy to say that I am now 1.7 kgs lighter than I was last week.

Start Weight (Dec 28, 2011): 152.3 kg (335.06 lb)

Current Weight (Jan 4, 2012): 150.6 kg (331.32 lb)

Loss this week: 1.7 kg (3.74 lb)

TOTAL Loss: 1.7 kg (3.74 lb)

* * * * * * * * * *

Have you seen this picture making the rounds on Facebook and Pinterest? I forget who first posted it, but it spoke volumes to me and everyone else who has seen it so far.

Certainly thought provoking isn't it?

Here's to another great week folks!!

I Had a Dream

2012-01-02T01:40:00.000-08:00

I had a dream. It was awesome.

There I was, walking through a field and I heard music. The next thing I know, I see Fred Durst standing in front of me with a microphone and he starts to sing. To me. Yup. I dreamed that Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit stood in front of me in a field full of cucumbers (yes, cucumbers) and sang "Behind Blue Eyes". Oddest dream I've had in awhile and I have yet to figure out what significance it has.

Hm. Yes. Well.

Anyway. I've been having the oddest dreams lately and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Last night was a good one though. I woke up with a new determination and a huge smile on my face.

You see, in my dream I was crossing the finish line of a 10K. I'm not sure where, I'm not sure when. But I was running, I was crossing the finish line and there were still people behind me. I wasn't yet at my goal weight (can't have everything be awesome in your dreams, eh?) but there I was. Running.

In reality, this is a long way off. Not impossible, but in the relatively distant future. I am currently too heavy and have knees that belong on an 80 year old. If I tried to run very far now, I would seriously hurt myself. Not to mention the black eyes that would come from my boobs bouncing around. But I'm happy to think that at some point in the future, I could be running a 10K.

The thing is, I know it is possible. I know I could do it if I put my mind to it. And now it's a goal that I'm going to set for myself to achieve before I'm 40. That's 7 1/2 years. Plenty of time.

Not all our goals need to be immediate. Not all our goals need to be achievable in the next year. Remember that movie "The Bucket List"? Well, I've now added "Run a 10K" to my own bucket list. Even if it takes me til the year I turn 40 to get there, I will do it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Yesterday saw the beginning of a new challenge for me. In the past, I halfheartedly signed up for Robby's "Go The Distance" challenge. It was a monthly thing and I don't think I made it past the first couple weeks. I always let something else get in the way. No more.

Yesterday I signed up for "Go The Distance 2012". It's the same basic premise but will go for the whole year.

I have challenged myself to complete 2400 KM in 2012. I will do this walking, running (eventually) or on the elliptical. I'm very, very excited about this and can't wait to see where this year takes me and the transformations I will see in my body.

Come along and join us all won't you? There are some awesome people doing this. You can too!

Fit Date 001.12/152.3

2011-12-31T03:02:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of a new year. Today is the first day of MY year.

My year to be fit. My year to be strong. My year to be healthy. MY year.

For the last two years I have hummed and hawed, I have upped and downed and upped again, I have quit and restarted more times than I can count and more times than is even reasonable. I have cheated and I have lied to myself.

I have walked a path, but not the path that I was meant to walk. Instead, the path I have traveled has run through, around and sometimes parallel to where I want and need to be. My compass has been broken and the nasty lady in the GPS machine just makes me want to scream.

And so, I go in circles and occasionally pass through Chocolate Town by way of Pizza City. Sometimes I'll take the scenic route through Redemption Pass where I track religiously and make it a point to workout but there's just so long that my limited attention span can manage and I drift away back to the Big Greasy.

I've decided the tourist life isn't for me though. Sure the towns and cities are nice from time to time with their promises of deliciousness but I think I crave the quieter life. I think that deep down inside me has been a lingering urge to commune with the fruits and veggies, swim in the water and walk with the fit folk.

Excuses became such a deep seated defense mechanism that it has been hard to overcome them but, much like when I am trying to drive a manual transmission car, I have been slowly stripping away the gears. Sure, they're still there and of course they'd work if I really want them to, but for all intents and purposes they are now useless because of the strip job I've done on them. Pointless, useless excuses that no longer have a place in my life.

Motivation has been hiding out on Pie Crust Beach and getting itself a tan, which would be fine if it didn't make me so dang jealous when I burn. The thing about motivation is that when you think you've got it, you have to keep hold of it. Sometimes, the motivation you've got is actually just a big idea disguised as something more socially acceptable. In this kind of journey, your motivation needs to the right kind. What I thought was a journey driven by motivation to be health, fit, strong and thinner for myself turned out to be something else.

I've done a lot of reflection over the last few months while my husband has been working in another city and I've been eating well, eating poorly, eating well and eating REALLY bad again. During this reflection time, I realised that I was trying to lose weight to be more attractive for my husband, to be better looking for my kids (so they wouldn't be embarrassed), to prove to OTHER people that I could do it. But rarely did I say "I'm doing this for ME".

Well, screw that.

2012 is MY year.

This is my year to be healthy.

This is my year to be strong.

This is my year to be fit and awesome.

Because I want to for me. Because I NEED to for me. Because if I don't do this for me, it will never ever happen.

2012? This is MY year. And I'm gonna kick ass.

**********

The draw is still open to win a copy of "The End of Overeating". Just email lookingformyfeet@gmail.com and I'll enter you. Draw finishes January 6th, 2012 at Midnight PST. Open to readers worldwide.

**********

UP FOR GRABS

2011-12-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

As a little Boxing Day token for all of you, I have got a copy of "The End of Over Eating" up for grabs.

If you would like to win this book, please just send me an email at:

lookingformyfeet at gmail dot com

with the subject line "OVER EATING BOOK" and I will enter you in the draw.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and would love to share it with all of you!

Y'all are better than a pair of Spanx!

2011-10-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Being fat is hard.

It's hard on your body, your mind, your emotions, and your health. Your self esteem can hit rock bottom, your emotions can take a dive into a never ending whirlpool. There will always be someone judging you because of your weight. Someone, somewhere, will always be ready with a rude or snarky comment about your weight and your appearance. Some of those people will do it under the guise of "just trying to help" when, in fact, they are doing more harm than good.

Being fat is hard.

Losing weight is hard.

It is also hard on your body, your mind and your emotions. Just stepping into a gym can be a real challenge to your pride and your courage. As an overweight person, it can be very disconcerting and overwhelming to see all those machines being used by a bunch of fit and trim gym bunnies when you have NO bloody idea what you're meant to be doing. New habits have to be learned, old habits scrapped. Exercise upped, food consumption lowered.

Losing weight is hard.

BUT!!!

Losing weight is not nearly as hard when you have a good support system.

I've had a hard time losing weight anyway, but it was infinitely harder when I was trying to do it in secret. I frequently run into people who have said they don't want their friends, family, partners, children etc etc knowing that they attend Weight Watchers meetings. When I was doing the same thing, I totally understood. Now? It baffles me.

Why?

I'll tell you.

Weight management programs no longer have the same stigma attached. Celebrities the world over are promoting these programs in the hopes that you and I will sign up and use them. If Fergie, Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli can lose weight like that, in the VERY public eye, why can't we?

Personally I'm at the point where I would rather have every single person I know be aware of the fact that I am trying to lose weight, than wonder if I'm ever going to bother.

Why?

I'll tell you.

I can't do this without support. I tried. I failed. Miserably.

Secret Squirrel Slimming Scenario: Go out for dinner with friends, tell waitress you're going to order a salad. Friends look at you as if you've just grown a third head out of your nose and wonder aloud why you're not ordering the normal 6 course meal that you would have previously. You can't bring yourself to tell them that you're going to Weight Watchers and trying to be healthy and lose weight, so you backtrack on the salad and end up ordering garlic bread, steak and chips, mushrooms, dessert, and beer. At weigh in the next week, you've gained 2 kilos.

Satisfactorily Slimming with Support: Go to a BBQ at a friend's house and show up holding a beautiful garden salad and a fruit platter. Instead of wondering what demonic creature has taken over your body to prevent you bringing 5 kilos of sausages and a cheesecake, the friend thanks you, congratulates you on your efforts thus far, and brings you a cold glass of water.

I have invited just about every single person on my friend list to "Like" my Facebook Page. (you should too! plug plug!)

I have shared the link to this blog with all the people close to me and some not so close.

Both of those locations detail my efforts AND list my weight.

Am I embarrassed by my weight? HELL YES! Am I doing something about it? DAMN STRAIGHT!

But I have had nothing but support from the people in my life. And for that I'm grateful because it makes this soooo much easier.

I blog partly because someone out there might be inspired by me to do something about their weight and their health. I blog because it's nice to be accountable to more than just friends, family and Facebook. I blog because I need the support, and I like to provide it where I can.

Your support system is every bit as ESSENTIAL as your exercise routine and the food you eat. Let the people in your life know what is going on with you. Swallow your stupid pride and tell your partner that you have 20 / 50 / 70 kilos to lose. Suck it up and tell the people who love you that you NEED their support because you want to be healthy.

As for you all out there reading this?? Spanx have got nothing on you.

Thanks for all your support!!

"Real" Women

2011-10-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

Recently a picture has been circulating on Facebook that has provoked some very intense feelings in many people. It is a comparison of two very different body types, in two very different times. Some look at it and agree wholeheartedly with the attached caption, some partially agree but have other thoughts to add to it, and others are vehemently against the implied message.

I fall somewhere in there; perhaps a mix of all three.

I suppose that it would largely depend on who you are as to which camp you would fall into. Perhaps you are a person that really does prefer a woman on the very thin side. Maybe you're one who craves a little more meat on a woman.

What I'd like to address mostly is a comment which I've seen people post when they see this picture:

REAL women have curves!

Do they? Is there a rule book somewhere that dictates that the only way you can be considered a "real" woman is to have curves? I've not seen one, and I challenge anyone to show me such a thing. And if there is, what constitutes curves? Again, you have to rely pretty heavily on public opinion as to what curves are considered "proper" curves to make up the aforementioned "real" woman.

I used to be one of those people saying "Real women have curves". Every time someone skinny looked my way and commented, rudely or otherwise, I would bring out the old catchphrase as if it were a shield that could protect me against the world.

I used to be quite comfortable in saying "Men don't want stick insects that are going to break, they want something with a bit of meat on their bones".

I used to be......ignorant.

Plain and simple ignorance.

Every time you say "a REAL woman has curves", you are implying that those women who don't, aren't. Every time you utter that one simple phrase, you are doing exactly the same thing to those women that many have done to you when they comment on your weight.

One of the guys who originally shared that picture, and whose name still shows under it with each share, is a father. When he posted it, he added the comment:

I would hate for my daughter to grow up thinking she is supposed to look like a stick

figure.

I can understand that, I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking she HAS to be SKINNY either. Society places a certain pressure on women to be a certain size, that isn't necessarily appropriate for every woman's body type. But that's a post for another time.

When I re-posted that picture, I did so with the disclaimer that I was NOT talking about women who are genetically predisposed to being very thin. I have a couple of friends who fit into that category and yes, they are very thin and next to me look like waifs, but NO they are not anorexic/bulimic, NO they do not need to "go eat a burger", NO they are not starving themselves. Actually a couple of them can out eat me!

When I re-posted that picture with my agreement that "this is more attractive than this", I was referring to those women that you see on many of the fashion runways and magazines nowadays. The women with bones jutting out everywhere and sunken faces.

There is a difference between the two. There is a vast difference between the way your body is meant to be and the way that some women starve and overwork themselves to MAKE their bodies appear.

**Don't get me wrong, I realize that anorexia & bulimia are horrible diseases and CLEARLY I have never suffered from either. I wish that women didn't feel the pressures that they do to look a certain way that pushed them to those points. **

Real women.

What are they?

Are real women curvy? Are real women straight up and down with boyish figures? Are real women very thin or very muscly?

Real women? They're just women. All body types, all shapes and sizes and colours and ethnicities.

Real women are everywhere.

Re-define REAL.

Change the way your mind works, change the things you say. Telling a thin woman that "real women have curves" or that she needs to "go eat a burger" are just as hurtful as telling an overweight woman that she's "gross" or needs to "staple that stomach".

We'll talk about re-defining sexy another time, but for now...go hug a REAL woman. Find the closest woman and give her a hug because no matter what she looks like, she's real.

**********

Come "Like" my Facebook Page and get updates, fun stuff and the chance to win things! Click HERE!

Yet again

2011-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

The problem with having a bunch of posts started and ready to go in your blogger storage facilities, is that many people (such as myself) never go back and finish them. Or, like me, by the time you make it back to finish them, you can't remember what the heck you were waffling about in the first place.

Or.

Yeah, whatever.

HI! How are y'all? I've missed you.

I hit another snag in my life where it felt like everything was piling on and re-joining Weight Watchers and keeping up my blog were waaaaaayyy at the bottom of an ever expanding list of priorities. I just barely managed to post on my Facebook page on a semi regular basis.

Then, I went to a women's retreat run my friend's Baptist church. I spent a whole weekend talking, laughing, playing, and having fun. I came home feeling more at peace with myself and my life than I have in a long time.

It really helped.

Then I saw an article in our local paper about an amazing woman here in town who just lost almost 50kgs and she looks AMAZING. Inspiration walking.

THEN!!! (yes, this will end soon, just hold on!)... then I had coffee with Tex, my long lost Weight Watchers leader and friend. We sat and had a good natter til we both realised we were meant to be heading to work. It was that final kick in the backside that I needed, that final push to say YES.

And so here we are. My weight loss, NAY! My HEALTH is back at the forefront, my blog & facebook page along with it. So, at the risk of sounding like a

my big

is BACK on the

I did a scary thing this week. I went and joined a social netball team with a bunch of other ladies on a Tuesday evening. The practice made my body hurt and feel really tired. And yet, invigorated. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I'm looking forward to the games, although I feel like my skill level is FAR below everyone else's. I haven't played netball since I left school....so about 15 years. And I wasn't that great to begin with. So, this will be a adventure, if nothing else.

Yesterday, after my coffee date with Tex, I RE-joined Weight Watchers. That was scarier than the netball. I know that I had my reasons for leaving in the first place, but I still felt like a total failure walking into that room, signing all the papers AGAIN, and then standing on the scale to find I was 10 kgs heavier now than I was back in April or May when I stopped going. All that kept running through my head was "You FAILED". But I shut it all down because I know that while I might have failed in some small way by walking away all those months ago, I am WINNING now (yeah, just like Charlie Sheen)....all because I have started again.

New starting weight: 150.0 kgs (330 lbs)

Small goal: 140.0 kgs (308 lbs) by Christmas)

Ultimate goal: 75 kgs (165 lbs)

So, there you have it. An update. The first of many.

Come by and check out my Facebook page. I just ran a contest on there for the people who have clicked on that adorable little "Like" button at the top...and when we get to 250 fans, I will run a bigger one. I have a great prize in mind. And at some point in the not too distant future, I have business that will be running a contest through here and you WILL want to be in on it!

So how is everyone out there doing??? Update me on your lives...leave your blog links again, so I can come say hi!!

Thoughts in Picture Form

2011-08-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

I came to do a post today and couldn't believe it has been a month since I last posted. Just ridiculous. I do apologize. I really am a huge slacker. In soooo many ways.

Anylazy, I wanted to share some thoughts with you but I've decided to go with pictures.

This is just one of the things that I need to print and put on my fridge. I keep quitting, for stupid reasons, and then I have to start over.

I get sick of starting over so I quit again. It's a never ending circle.

Are you sick of starting over? Shall we stop quitting, together??

Those delicious chips that I love so much? That ice cream that screams my name from the fridge? The cookies and fudge and brownies that pin me down and jump down my throat and then proceed to settle on my ass?

They.

Aren't.

Worth.

It.

Another one to go on the fridge perhaps? I'm sick of feeling like crap about myself because I've sat an munched on something that, sure, was delicious at the time...but wasn't worth the exercise that I should have done (but didn't) to burn it off.

Criminal Minds, CSI, The Mentalist, Glee, American Idol, Big Bang Theory, Survivor, Next Top Model, etc etc etc.

Somehow, many of us have the time to sit and watch these shows. We have the time to sit and watch hours and hours of television but then in the same breath will turn around and say "I don't have time to exercise".

You know what? I have a life to live, I have two young kids and I have a gorgeous husband.

I do not have time to be fat. Enough of this shit already. I'm 32 but most days I feel like I'm 62. I want to get to 62 and be able to say, "I feel like I'm 32!!"

Here's a couple visuals for you:

Um. Ew! I know which one I'd rather look like inside. I know that in THIS case I'd rather be lugging around a ton of bricks than that ugly looking fat.

And last but not least:

Random thoughts

2011-07-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

Not attending Weight Watchers meetings is not good for my weightloss efforts.

Not having the support of others doing the same thing, meeting with them every week is bad for my weight loss efforts.

The rainy, cold weather affects my weight loss efforts in a negative way.

Blah. Blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

How often do we all make the same damn excuses? How often, in the attempt to make ourselves feel better about our perceived failures, do we blame external sources for what really is our own doing?

Me? All the time. But I'm getting better at it.

What's really at fault is my lazy, fat ass. Sitting on the couch watching tv or fooling around on Facebook. Eating chips and chocolate. Not going for my walk because it's raining or I'm tired.

As I said in my last post, I had a plan. A plan that I have since put into action. My gym membership is renewed and my brand new fridge is full of yummies.

What I need now is music recommendations for my walks. What do you listen to? What keeps you walking at a good pace?

I asked a question recently on my Facebook Page about when y'all weigh in, because I was trying to find a new day. Looks like Monday is going to be my new day til I go back to WW. So, tomorrow I will weigh in in the morning. I will post it here. I might even take a picture. And then I will work my butt off to lower the numbers for next week. Sound good??

A Delicious Hiding Place

2011-07-03T01:58:00.000-07:00

If your own mind turns against you, where are you going to hide?
~ David Riddell

I listened to David Riddell talk this morning. He was talking about relationships and negotiations and balance of power but one of the other things he talked about briefly was depression and anxiety.

Since the age of about 18 I have struggled with depression. At 20 I was on anti depressants and sleeping medication to help. Through the years I have tried all sorts of medications, home remedies, mental exercises and the rest. Some of it has worked, some of it has made me feel like a creature from "Night of the Living Dead". I have come up against some family and friends who consider depression to be "all in the head" (well ...duh) and I have been supported by others who realise what a real and serious issue this can be.

At a couple of points in my life, it has felt like I could not possibly get any lower emotionally and that there isn't anything or anyone in the world that could pull me back up and "rescue" me. It has impacted my marriage, my parenting, my friendships and my own sense of self.

It has not been constant. There have been weeks, months and YEARS when I am fine. I'll be happy as a pig in mud and then something (I'm not yet sure what) will trigger something that will send me down a slippery slope into what can only be described as a dark place. Sometimes darker than others.

This has been the case for me for a few weeks now. I'm just not the same. I'm just not.....happy.

So I take you back to the quote at the beginning of this post. Where do you hide when your mind turns against you?

Given what kind of blog this is, I'm sure those of you with an IQ above 50 can probably imagine where I'm going with this.

Some of you dive into bed, some into projects, some into exercise.

I dive into food. I am, and always have been, an emotional eater.

I stopped attending Weight Watchers a few weeks ago because it was $20 a week we just couldn't spare at the time. I stopped exercising too. I stopped doing anything good and started eating everything bad. Why? Because it made me feel better. The only thing that would have made me feel better, I thought, would have been crawling into bed and sleeping.

The other day I realised that I was STILL doing this all wrong. When I started to feel crappy again, I should have eaten more veggies, exercised more and drank more water. Instead, I sat on my ass, ate chips & ice cream and drank litres of Pepsi Max full of aspertame.

So instead of continuing down that same path, I reworked the budget a bit the other day and cut back some stuff and then I marched myself into the gym and made an appointment. For tomorrow. My gym membership is back on track as of this week and I'll be getting a personal program made up.

My menu plan is done for the week:

Monday - Beef Stroganoff

Tuesday - Meatloaf

Wednesday - Chicken Cordon Bleu

Thursday - Sausages with mash & cheese

Friday - Sausage pie & veggie

Saturday - Pasta

Sunday - Beef roast

My exercise plan is in progress but I need to get out there and enjoy the limited winter sunshine.

As delicious a hiding place as it has been, I need to get out of it and get out of my head. From now on, I want my answer to the question "where are you going to hide" to be "I'm NOT going to hide".

So how about you?

The Official "200 Sit Up" Challenge Post

2011-05-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Alright y'all. I got a couple responses on my Facebook page about this, and a couple comments on my last post about it, but it was the weekend and I'm going to assume that instead of just deciding it was something you can't do, that you were all away and thus didn't comment. So consider this post your official sign up for joining me on The "200 Sit Up" Challenge.

Here's the dealio:
Sunday, May 22nd - Perform the initial test outlined on the 200 Sit Up site. Click HERE for the test link.
Once you have determined how many sit ups you are able to do, then decide on 3 days per week when you are going to do the program.
I have selected Monday, Wednesday and Friday - - just to make it easy.
Monday, May 23rd - This will be the official kick off date for the challenge but it doesn't mean you have to do anything this day...stick to your chosen days.

Some of us may feel like we have to repeat week 5 and/or week 6, just like it says on the site. This is better than forcing yourself to complete it in the 6 week time period, so if you need to take longer...please do!!
Six weeks will take us to Sunday, July 3rd .
I will post regularly on my Facebook page to see how y'all are doing, and I hope you'll fill us in.
I am hereby calling out all you lurkers and hoping that you will join us. Please leave a comment with your blog link (if you have one) so that we can all see how you're doing.....often the best support we have is each other!
So far we have:
MeNikkiRach from Sweet As NZ Girl
WHO ELSE WILL JOIN US??? GET THOSE CORE MUSCLES GOING!

On the road again.....(sing it with me!)

2011-05-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

POP QUIZ!!!

Q1) What do you get when you combine one overweight woman, a week of absolute complacency and non motivation, a week with an injured arm, another week of being sick, and absolutely no tracking of food?

A) A gain of 2.1kgs (4.62 lbs) in the space of 3 weeks.

Q2) What do you get when you take that same overweight woman, flip a magical switch in her head to restore motivation and remove complacency, and send her back to Weight Watchers meetings?

A) ME....back on track, with a vengeance!

Yes folks, that's right. I had a massive gain over 3 weeks. But I'm over it. I'm done. I'm not happy to go back there again. I've come so far that I am just NOT willing to gain it all back. I am currently sitting exactly where I was a year ago and that's just not ok. I know, I know...been there, said that. But if you could feel the pain in my thighs that I am feeling right now, you'd know what I'm talking about.

So what have I been up to? Well, other than my eye opening weigh in on Wednesday, I've been busy. I have been tracking every single morsel of food that goes into my mouth. I can't believe that a year and a half in, I am still struggling to perfect this. You might think it should be easy. Prepare food, write it in the book with the correct points, eat food. Thing is, I still have moments when I don't think to write it in the book til much later and then I find myself guesstimating the portion size and corresponding points. I'm getting better though..and at least I'm still remember to write it down. I really need to start taking it to show Tex....keep myself accountable.

Thursday evening I went to the gym with my friend KitKat. Y'know...the one who is often mistaken for being my daughter? Well, she's easily 50kgs (110 lbs) lighter than me but we did HER gym program. I modified it a little bit because there was a couple exercises that I just cannot do....yet. But in the end, I essentially did her program. Also? After watching Kazz from Kazz's Journey talking about her rapidly decreasing time doing 1km on the rower, I thought I'd have a go. So I did. I managed 1km in 5 minutes and 10 seconds. Now I'll concentrate on cutting down that time and catching up with Kazz.

Friday morning my thighs were screaming at me. I'm sure y'all know the kind of scream I'm talking about. "Oh my freaking gawd, how could you do that to me?! Are you insane?!!" I decided that it might be possible to alleviate some of the discomfort by going for a walk. A fast walk. So I did! I walked 6.1kms...in 45 minutes. I KNOW! I wouldn't have thought it was that far but I came home and plotted it out on Google Maps and turns out it really was that far! Now, when I started this journey, that distance would have been seriously uncomfortable. That speed? It would have killed me. Now it's just something I can do. NSV!!!

Today is Saturday and I took the day off exercise wise because I had a netball game to go and coach and housework to do, but tomorrow I'm planning a very long walk and possibly a swim.

I'm down to one and a half glasses of Coke Zero per day...and about 8 bottles of water in my fancy new Bobble bottle.

As Randy Jackson would say: "Maggie is in it to win it!!!"

**********

In other news, I wanted to share a couple fantastic blog posts with you, by some very wise people:

Kimberly over at A Spicy Boy, A Cat, and My Fat Ass had this great post about artificial sweeteners. Well worth a read.

Jack Sh*t has another round of his W.I.D.T.H (Why I Do This Here) submissions up. They're inspirational, thought provoking and hey, you might even find a new blogger in there that has something in common with you.

**********

I am starting a challenge, to mix in with my other workouts. I found this great site called "200 Sit-Ups" and I'm going to take the challenge. I'm going to do my best to get to the end of the 6 week program and be able to do 200 sit ups. There's also, if you look down the side bar, "100 Push Ups", "200 Squats", "150 Dips" and coming soon will be "25 Pull Ups". I'm keen to do the push ups and squats but I think I'll leave the dips and pull ups for a while.

Anyone want to take the challenge with me?

**Edited to add: If you are interested in doing the challenge with me, I'll be starting on Monday, May 23rd

Tools For The Trip

2011-05-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

"As I mentioned previously, the tools that allow for optimum health are diet and exercise"
~ Bill Toomey

Hi y'all! I think I'm channeling a bit of my WW leader, Tex, with that opening. She says "y'all" a lot...makes me giggle every time.

So how's everyone doing this week? There's been a lot of you out there who have been struggling in the same way I have. I'm curious to know how you've been managing lately.

Me? I'm still struggling....but I'm on my way. Let me introduce you to some of my Tools For The Trip:

This here is my planning board. I used a permanent marker to divide it into days and write the days on and then I use a whiteboard marker for the dates and the planning. At the top of each day I write any evening commitments that might affect what we have for dinner and then underneath I plan out our dinner meals at least. During the school holidays I try to plan out lunches too, but it doesn't always work.

Part of this tool is my ever growing collection of Weight Watchers cookbooks and any other cookbook that has the nutritional info listed so that I can work out the points. I don't always use my cookbooks in my planning. Sometimes we have a week where convenience is going to be key and that's where meals of spaghetti, sandwiches, eggs & toast and salad come into play.

*****

This is my latest haul from the most awesome fruit & veg shop here in town - and it's only part of it. I couldn't fit everything on the table.

I used to buy my fruit & veg from the supermarket, and still do occasionally, but this new shop is the bomb! This haul only cost me $30...which, in this country, is amazing.

The kids and I are back to our "try a new fruit or veg every fortnight" gig, and pumpkin & persimmon are it right now.

*****

Um. If you haven't tried these things yet, then I highly recommend you get off your ass and go to the store for some. Right now.

I'll wait.

Ok.

Are they not the best things ever? And only ONE ProPoint each! Yummy!

These have many benefits: they cure my craving for something sweet, they're cold and seem to curb any hunger pangs & they also keep my hands busy. Win, win, WIN! Try 'em!

*****

Ok. So I can't claim any great insight into any of the things I've listed so far or will continue to list...and this is just the same. Water. Duh. We all know that water is an essential thing in this journey towards a healthier us.

BUT!

The wonderful SuzieQ had one of these bottles at a meeting and I loved it, so I went searching. Finally found one yesterday.

It's called a "bobble". It's BPA free, recyclable, has replacement filters and the filters last for about 300 bottles worth of water. I love it. And I'm getting a TON of water into me right now.

My back teeth seem to be a bit confused right now, what with all the floating around, but I imagine they'll adjust eventually.

*****

Ahhh the evil pedometer. Have you got one of these?

I have a love/hate relationship with my pedometer. On the one hand, I can earn extra ProPoints to use and track how active I haven't been during the day. On the other hand, it seems to do its darndest to keep that step goal away from me.

A few weeks ago, I was all talk about winning this step challenge we were starting at WW and then, Murphy's Law being what it is, I hurt myself. And then I got sick. So, while I've been racking up some steps, it hasn't been nearly enough to even come CLOSE to winning the step challenge. Instead, I've challenged myself. Instead of 10,000 steps a day, I am aiming for 15,000 a day.

*****

Last, but not least, is my beloved Points Calculator. I take this thing everywhere.

I get some funny looks when I am standing in the aisles at the supermarket, busily calculating the points in cans of baked beans or bags of rice, but it is totally worth it. By taking this bad boy with me, I know there are less points in Basmati rice than in white rice. I know the budget beans are less than the pricey ones.

This way, I can buy something and be safe in the knowledge that I'm not going to get it home and find out it's going to use up a huge portion of my ProPoints allowance. I have one in my purse and one at home.

*****

So those are the basic tools that I find essential to my journey. Do I always make use of them? No. But I'm learning to. There's also my wonderful bike, Greta, and my feet for walking...not to mention my iPod and my friends.

But the most important tool that any of us has in this whole thing, as corny as it sounds, is our brain. If we can't wrap our brains around the way things should be, if we can't come to terms with the things we need to cut out, tone down, amp up or bring in....then we'll never succeed. This is exactly the problem I've had for so many months now. Aside from becoming complacent, I don't think I ever really FULLY invested in the process. I talked a big game, but I never played by the rules. That's all changing. Right NOW.

"I think the hard thing about all these tools is that it takes a fair amount of effort to become proficient."
~ Bill Joy

So....what are YOUR tools for success?

Starting Over

2011-04-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a few things that I think every person out there, who may still be reading this blog for whatever reason, needs to know:

1) I am fat. Yes, I know we're all supposed to hate that word and I do absolutely detest that word when used in a derogatory way, but I am fat. It's a fact. It's also kind of the whole reason we're here isn't it?

2) I am lazy. I admit it. I would rather be found curled up on the couch for hours on end with a good book or my laptop than be found running along the river.

3) I give up too easily and for weird reasons. For years I have gotten good at something and then promptly given up trying.

4) I don't like any of these things, but seem to be at somewhat of a loss as to what to do about them.

So, now that we've established those facts, what do we do?

Well. I don't know. Do you?

Let's start from the beginning.....

I'm fat. Duh. Like I said, the whole reason we're hear talking about all this rubbish is because over the years I have put on enough weight to keep a third world country fed for a decade. I wear clothes that could fit both my children and my sister in them together, which I have to buy from the "plus size" department in stores. Sometimes, depending on the store, even shopping in the "plus size" department isn't good enough. This is because in some places, even the area for us fat folks only goes up to a size 20. I started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time in an effort to combat this whole fat issue....which is where the other facts come into play.

I'm lazy. As previously mentioned, I'd rather be found reading a book than doing any sort of exercise. This does not mesh well with the whole losing weight idea.

I give up easily. I think I've talked about this before but with regards to this particularly journey it sucks. Giving up easily goes hand in hand with laziness. In fact, the two are skipping along happily together. I have been the same weight, essentially, since April LAST YEAR. Sure I have lost weight...but then I've gained it back. Why?! Because I got complacent. Those first 20 kgs came off so easily. I thought it wouldn't be a problem to slack off just a little bit. Remember this picture?

Mmm...me too. You know what? I still look like that third picture. My measurements have changed a little bit, but essentially it's the same.

Feel free to pick your jaw up off the floor anytime.

So. I ask again. What do I do?

I have agonized over this for weeks now. As I watch the numbers go up and down, as I watch myself eat portions that are far too big, as I turn down yet another invite for a walk or a trip to the gym...I wonder what the hell I'm doing.

I wonder why I allowed myself to get this way in the first place...and then realise I know the answer to that.

I wonder why I allow myself to stay this way, why I continue to sabotage myself and make myself feel like crap.....and I realise that I may never know the answer to that.

I wonder, constantly, what I can do to change my mind set....and I realise that this will always be an issue for me and something I will always have to battle. I also realise that it is going to take an inordinate amount of strength to win that battle.

So.

The Plan
(capitalized because it's important)

Combat the fat. Be a fat buster. - This basically translates to: I am starting over. I am going to try and bring back that enthusiasm I had in November 2009 when I (re)started this journey. I want to enjoy every single milestone that I pass. I have come so close to my 25 kg mark a few times now, only to become lazy and complacent and gain back enough to put me far away from it again.

What does this mean? Tracking, tracking, tracking. And planning, planning, planning. Meal planning, food tracking. I think this comes under the category of "Duh".

Stop being a lazy ass. - I'm sure that doesn't really require much translation, but just in case....I take you back to my previous comments about books and couches. I keep telling myself that I can't go for a walk or go to the gym because I have a book to read. Aha! Turns out, as I discovered in yet another one of my epic trips to the library, that I can get books in mp3 format. I can listen to books while I walk! How cool would that be?

My daughter has also announced that she wants to be able to do duathlons & triathlons and therefore wants to learn to run. This has prompted my return to the Couch to 5K program. I found THIS site that has some MUCH cooler music on it and will be using that.

What does this mean? I hereby pledge to do some sort of exercise at least 5 days a week for at least an hour. This is my major goal. My fearless leader, Tex, is always telling me not to make so many goals at once, so I am making this one my main one.

No more giving up. - Also unnecessary to translate. But this is where YOU lot come in. If you don't see me posting here or on my Facebook page on a regular basis, I need you to come and chase me down. Post something on the Facebook page, send me an email or, if you know where I live, come knock on my door and say "What the hell?!?!". I promise not to growl. Unless you're my mother.

What does this mean? It means I'm accountable. It means it's much harder for me to give up. It means....it means I need help. I have a hard time admitting that...but I do. I need help. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. So I'm asking all of YOU to help me. Please.

I'm going to sign off now...but before I do, I leave you with this:

Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left, then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Here's to starting over!!

Hang-Ups & Bang-Ups

2011-03-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

"I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"
~ Dr. Seuss

I always liked Dr. Seuss. Although many of the words that he put together seemed like nonsense, there really was a whole lot of wisdom behind them. I used that quote to start my post because I've recently shed light on one of my hang-ups that has been skulking around in the shadows of my brain, trying to pretend it isn't really there. It's been out there on the periphery, reaching in and poking at me with a stick and then sitting back and giggling like a schoolgirl when I look but can't see it. As far as I can tell it has been hanging out there, just waiting til my guard was down so that it could pounce. I am pretty sure it has been there most of my life. Now I wish it would go away, or I may have to go all Alice on its JabberWocky imitating ass.

This hang-up doesn't really have a name. I haven't come up with anything short enough as yet. Right now it's just "whenever I start to do well at something, my brain kicks into gear and says 'ok you're done' and I start failing again". It really is like a switch goes off in my head.

Not that long ago, I was within 200 grams of my goal of losing 25 kgs. And the very next week, I gained almost 3 kgs! Then I lost a bunch and got to within 400 grams of the goal...and gained the next two weeks. I wish I could claim that it was a total fluke, but I know it wasn't. I know it was because my brain switch got flicked and I started to sabotage myself.

Aha! Self Sabotage....that's the name of the hang-up.

I am working very hard to overcome that right now. This past week I had issues with my car. Actually, I'm STILL having issues with my car. As a result, I've had to do a lot of riding around on Greta the Bike, and a fair amount of walking. Thank goodness for a relatively flat town. Throw in some voluntary swim sessions, and I got more exercise in one week than I've had in the last 3 months. Combined. Yeah...it's been that bad.

I figured that seeing as I was getting in so much exercise, I would go back to tracking. Religiously. I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth this week. And I ate well!

End result? I lost 1 kg this week (2.2 lbs). Which finally put me back over that "20 kgs lost" mark. It's been very frustrating looking at my book and seeing that I've been up and down 3 kgs, for the last.....8 months? The thing is, my measurements have changed...for the better....so I wasn't too concerned about my weight not shifting much. I am now.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose."
~ Dr. Seuss

When I stood on the scale yesterday and saw the lady write down that 1 kg loss, I smiled and did a little happy dance (on the inside). Then I had to fight my brain for power as it tried to flick that switch. I had done something good, you see, and now it was trying to put me back into self sabotage mode. I can't go there again.

I DO have brains in my head. And I can overcome this urge to throw it all away and go back to being a humongous heffer.

I DO have feet in my shoes. And I WILL use them to power my bike, to walk all over town, and to get back into the Couch to 5K program.

I WILL steer myself...and the direction I choose is down. And up! Down in weight and up in health.

Where are YOU steering yourself to?

**********

Starting weight: 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs)

Current weight: 137.7 kgs (302.94 lbs)

Total Loss: 20.9 kgs (45.98 lbs)

Take some time .....

2011-03-02T01:08:00.001-08:00

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself."
~ Barbara De Angelis

I have spent some time in the last week doing things for me. Just me. I don't want to give the impression that I never get time to myself or get to do anything for myself, but I think most women would agree that we tend to put everyone else first.

We chauffeur the kids, we do the laundry once in awhile, we take care of the house and the groceries and everything else. Our husbands, if they're smart, will tell us to take some time to ourselves and we'll try to do just that but on the way to go read a book we'll find a bedroom that needs tidying or put on "just one more" load of laundry.

My job gives me the flexibility to be able to have many hours of apparent "down time" during the day. Unfortunately I use a good portion of that running errands and doing things around the house. In between computer time of course.

This week I decided that I was going to follow the saying "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

I went and got my hair cut.

I got my eyebrows waxed.

I was in too much pain to bother taking a picture. You're welcome.

I got a pedicure. I wish I had thought to take pictures of the amazing process but my body was melting into a puddle of goo from the awesometastic massage chair they had me sitting in, combined with the footgasmic work they were doing on my feet. Ordinarily I am not a person who enjoys having anyone anywhere near my feet, but Oh. Emm. Gee......BLISS!!

I felt good!

And, it made a huge difference to my attitude. And it made it easier to do everything else in my life. I feel like a new person.

So.

When is the last time you did something for just you? Try it !!

Pretty, pretty please...if you ever, ever feel...less than

2011-02-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

For the last few weeks there has been a song playing on the radio stations that is in grave danger of being OVER played, but I love it. The song in question is Pink's new one "F*ckin' Perfect". I've always been a fan of Pink and she has a few songs that make me cheer because they really speak to me. This is just the latest one (Warning: some language. Duh) :

I think there's some of you out there who need to seriously listen to this song. And not just listen, but really HEAR it! Play it, then play it again and again and again until it sinks in. You can find the lyrics to the song HERE but I just wanted to sample some of them and have a wee chat with you all.

"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred.....such a tired game.
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

Now, I'm sure when Pink wrote this song that she wasn't specifically targeting us folks on a journey through weight loss. She was talking to anyone who has ever struggled with anything. A bad childhood, a bad marriage, abuse, drugs, weight, trouble. The thing is, it all ties together.

Let's break it down a bit....

"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong" - Show of hands...how many of us do this? How many of you out there, like me, put yourself down? How many of you can't take a compliment, often believing it to be fake or sarcastic? Well guess what....you aren't alone. But you know what else? You. Are. WRONG. You are wrong about yourself.

You ARE deserving.

You ARE beautiful.

You ARE amazing.

You ARE worth it.

You ARE ............

"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" - I've said it before and I'll say it again.....if you stand in front of your mirror in the morning and the first things that pop into your mind are how horrible you look, what things you wish you could hide/change/erase, or the idea of heading back to bed instead of facing the day, then you need to write the following on your mirror:

"I wouldn't speak to other people the way I speak to myself"

That needs to be your mantra in the mornings until those little voices in your head have done away with the devil horns and popped on a halo and some angel wings. Shut them down! Do you ever feel better after you've stood there and put yourself down for a few minutes? NO! How much better would you feel if you stood there and looked at yourself in the mirror and said "I look good. It's going to be a good day"? Think about it.

"So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!" - This totally ties in with what I just said. I am fully aware, believe me, of how hard it is to look happy when you feel worthless, ugly, fat, etc etc. I am also very aware of how short a time it takes for that plastered on smile to actually start feeling real. When you look happy, even if you aren't, people assume you are. And before long, you start to feel happier. And like she says...you'll make it! Make it through one day and then through the next. If something happens to throw you off, like a binge, start over! You WILL make it!

"Filled with so much hatred....such a tired game" - Isn't it exhausting always hating on yourself? I don't know about you but I find on the days when I stand in front of the mirror and get down on myself (and it happens!), the day feels like it'll never end and I'm so very tired by the end of it all. When I start my day with a positive attitude and a smile on my face, it never seems quite as bad. There is no point to self hatred. What does it achieve?? I've been there. I still go there sometimes. The only thing that comes from it is me feeling like a giant seagull came and crapped on my head. It IS a tired game. It's a game we ALL need to stop playing. Find a game that's more like Candyland, all rainbows and butterflies. When you play the game of self hatred, it's like playing Snakes and Ladders....except the ladders are short and rare and the snakes are everywhere and really really long. Slippery slope, people!

"It's enough! I've done all I can think of ....Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same" - I would never dare to sit here and tell you that I have chased down all my demons, but I'm definitely working on it. Remember when I said it all tied together? I meant it. Many of the overweight people I have spoken to, and I'm included in this group, will tell you that there is a pivotal moment in their lives when they started really piling on the weight. Yeah, yeah there's some who were heavy as kids and carried it on, or gained weight while pregnant and never lost it....but many people have a "demon" of sorts that started it all. YES food is the thing people blame. After all, it's food we're shoving down our throats. But, for me at least, food was the drug. Food was, and sometimes still is, the comfort. The cure. The pacifier.

Chase down your demons. Exorcise them. Stop feeding them with crap. Easier said than done, I know. But try!

I'm there's one or two of you sitting here thinking that it's all well and good for me to spout all this, but am I actually following my own advice? I try to. And most days, I do a damn good job of it. Then there's days like the ones after my husband lost his job and my emotions were all over the place, that I ate anything that wasn't physically nailed down. I still don't have a handle on it all the time, but I try. And that's all you can do. Try.

Having said that, I'd like to point you in the direction of the chorus for that song:

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin perfect.
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin perfect to me!"

So. While you're trying to chase down the demons, while you're doing your best to look in the mirror and like yourself, while you're eating the good foods & exercising your butt off, remember TWO things.....

1) You are perfect to ME. And chances are, you're perfect to a bunch of other people too.

2) thefreedictionary.com defines perfect as:

per·fect
adj.
1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
5.
a. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
b. Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
6. Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
7. Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
8. Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
9. Botany Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
10. Grammar Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
11. Music Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.

Did you see #4 and #8?

"Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation"

"Excellent and delightful in all respects"

YOU are suited for a particular purpose. To be YOU. And YOU are excellent AND delightful in all respects.

Perfect. But hey...it's just a word. Just be you. You rock.

**********

For a different, but incredibly valuable, take on perfection and the way it impacts our lives, I'd like to invite you to go visit Single Dad Laughing and his post, "The disease called 'Perfection' ".

And if you need some uplifting of a different sort, check out Operation Beautiful. It's awesome.

New toys, New adventures

2011-02-17T00:35:00.000-08:00

I know this will come as a huge surprise to many of you but, I am not a huge fan of exercise. I do it because I have to. I am slowly coming around as I realise the stress relieving effects and general well being improvements that come with it, and I try and ignore my mother's voice in the back of my head as she says "I told you so".

I have grown to enjoy walking. Immensely! I plug myself into my iPod, strap on my shoes and off I go. I can happily walk for a good hour and a half before I even realise how far I've gone. I find it a great way to improve my head space, clear out the cobwebs and start fresh.

Running has yet to warm the cockles of my heart, but I'm sure that it will keep trying. I'm going to be restarting the Couch to 5K program very soon and now that I've found some better music (with prompts) to do it with, I'm sure it will be more appealing. Well, as appealing as running can be to someone who is as unfit and heavy as I am.

Swimming is enjoyable and now that I have a snazzy new swimsuit, I will be a little more relaxed as I dash from the changing rooms to the pool and try to slip in before the hot lifeguard sees me. Because, you know, he totally can't tell how fat I am once I'm under the water. Yes, I'm a doofus. I've also started the process to be a swim teacher, so it's getting more fun.

And then we come to biking. This is where new toys come into it. I was doing some cycling at the gym, but that's really no fun. It's hot in the gym, there's nothing to look at, there's gym bunnies prancing around in their lycra. Outside? The wind is against you a lot, it's hot (because it's summer right now), and there's cars to deal with. But, man, is it ever exhilerating!!

This is my new toy:

Her name is Greta. It was the first name to pop into my head when I got her. She is one speed, has back pedal brakes and a front hand brake, the seat is nice and wide & comfy, and she's awesome.

I've ridden all over town on her a couple of times today and my butt doesn't even hurt. Yet. I'm hoping to ride the bike as much as possible, if only to save money on gas!

Very shortly there'll be a nifty little basket to go on the front and I'll be able to use it for all sorts of things.

Do you have a bike? Do you use it?

Perhaps between the swimming and the biking, my plateau will be shattered and I will be able to finally hit that 25kg mark! Wouldn't that be fantastic?!?

**********

In other, slightly unrelated news, I got an email from someone at Treadmill Reviews today. For some reason, I decided not to delete the email as spam before I read it, and I was pleasantly surprised. As with the Nursing Schools list, I'm not sure how many people will see, read or even pay attention to the list, but I'm happy to be featured on there. And I get a snazzy badge to display on my sidebar!

If you're curious as to who else is on the list, head on over HERE and check it out!

These things I know.....

2011-02-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like all I do is flip flop around, not really knowing for sure which way is up, what I'm doing or where I'm meant to be going. This doesn't just apply to the weight loss side of my life, unfortunately, but to everything. There are some days where I feel like I've got it all together and then other days where I feel like a chicken with my head cut off, running around waiting for something to either save me or finish me off.

And, while it does apply to my entire life, I have felt it the most in my quest to become a healthier me. When I re-joined Weight Watchers back in November 2009, I swore it would be the last time I had to do that. I've stuck to that oath, but it hasn't been easy. I've nearly thrown in the towel a couple of times. The first time I gained weight, the first time I got sick and couldn't get the exercise in that I wanted, and then when I hit a plateau for....well I'm still on it.

The thing with this whole path we're travelling is that it's not all going to be fun and games in Munchkin Land. Occasionally we're going to end up trying to make our way through the woods, avoiding the Wicked Witch and trying not to get pelted with apples.

"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."
~ Lawrence J. Peter

Keeping our eyes on the goal is what gets most of us through from one day to the next. Picturing ourselves in new shirt or hot pair of jeans, thinking about next summer when we can wear a bathing suit without fear of Greenpeace showing up to stop the whale hunters from killing us, finishing that race that we've been training for - it's all motivation. It's why I haven't quit. I've kept going, and I'll continue to show up at my meetings. My weight may have pretty much plateaued for the last 6 months, but I NEED those meetings. I have made myself mentally accountable to the people in those meetings. Plus, Tex hunts me down on Facebook if I haven't shown up for a week or two! Those are the things that get me through.

I've been pretty absent around these parts since just before Christmas. This country pretty much shuts down over the holiday season. I guess Christmas combined with summer is just too good an excuse to take off. I didn't take off in the literal sense, but I did decide to take a break from here. But, the kids are back in school, the husband is back at work full time, and I have come to the conclusion that I must, must, MUST get my arse back in gear.

So, here's some final things that I know right now....

1) I am inherently lazy. As such, I have discovered that I absolutely must schedule exercise time into my day. I already use a planner for work and errands, so now right after 8:30 - 9:30 WORK, 9:30 - 10:30 ERRANDS, my diary will read 10:30 - 12:00 GYM/WALK/SWIM. If I don't schedule it, it won't happen.

2) I cheat on my eating. A lot. I track for a few days, being really good with the things I eat, then I screw up and stop tracking. My brain decides that the rest of the week is a write off, and I carry on being naughty. This doesn't happen every week, but it happens for more than it should. My new plan, thanks to a lovely lady I know, is to email her daily with my points and food tracker. I'm also going to add a Food Diary page to this here blog. If you feel like reading and commenting, go ahead, but don't feel obligated.

It's a new year, people! I don't make resolutions because they invariably fail, but I will tell you this: THIS is our year! We can do this. So get your butt in gear and join me.

Um. Yeah.

2010-12-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

Due to the copious amount of pastry wrapped savouries consumed at the work Christmas party which were then washed down with obscene amounts of beer with chasers of bourbon & cola, there was no weigh in for me this weekend. I didn't need the extra reminder of how far off the wagon I fell.

I'm hoping I can get back to where I was by next weigh in...but don't hold your collective breath.

It's time to step it up a notch people.....I feel like a challenge. Who wants to challenge me to something?

Wondrous Weigh-In Wows!

2010-11-26T00:27:00.000-08:00

Clearly I like the alliteration thing!

Just a quick one today because I have a longer, deeper, potentially more thought provoking one coming up in the next day or two. Today I just wanted to check in with you all and see how you were doing and update you on my most recent weigh in.

Some of you, like me, started on the new Weight Watchers Pro Points system this past week. How did you find it? As I mentioned in my last post, I was a bit nervous about it but looking forward to the possible changes in my habits and my eating.

The week was interesting. I found myself eating MORE than I have in ages because all of a sudden fruit is free! Can we say awesome?! Now when I want a snack, I don't have to worry about it using up points when I have a banana...I just have one. It's fantastic!

One thing I did struggle with for the first couple of days is using all my daily points. I have a daily points allowance of 47 (I know!!) and at the beginning of the week I had a hard time getting all those points into me. Now, I just know how to flesh out my meals and my snacks.

Did you use your weekly extras of 49 PP? I used some of mine. I had some chips, I had a few bits of chocolate. It was nice to have the flexibility, and not have to worry so much. I had no intention of eating them all though. I didn't eat any of my Activity Points either.

Speaking of activity, I've been doing a lot more than I was. Walking, swimming, gym...it's all paying off. I'm really enjoying having The Punisher to work with on Mondays and I'm going to get her to put together a program for me for a couple of other days during the week.

If it seems like this new ProPoints system has awakened a new sense of motivation in me, you'd be right. After last week's loss I was already feeling great, but this week I lost again!

This week's loss: 1.7 kg (3.74 lbs)

Grand total so far: 24.4 kg (53.68 lbs)

How are you all doing??

ProPoints, Progress and Punishers

2010-11-17T23:34:00.000-08:00

How's that for some titular alliteration, eh?!?

Before I get started on the 3 P's, I just wanted to share a bit of fun news. I got an email today from a guy named Ken. He directed me over to a blog that he runs (helps run? not sure) and an article that had been posted on it, "60 Amazing Blogs for Weight Watchers Support". Turns out, I'm on it! You can find me in the Journals section at #59. I am VERY honored to be listed along with the other people on there. I hope you'll check a bunch of them out!

So. The 3 P's.

ProPoints

We were introduced to the new ProPoints system at our meeting last night. I was a bit worried about the reception that Tex was going to get.....people are sometimes very resistant to change, me included. For the last 12 years, Weight Watchers has been trudging along quite happily with the Points system and people have been losing weight. But they've changed it because, as Tex put it, "science has changed". Instead of being based on Kilojoules and Saturated Fat, it's now based on Protein, Fat, Carbs and Fibre.

From what I can gather, aside from this working better because they've accounted for how our bodies process different nutrients, it also seems to be a good way to encourage people to eat more protein and fibre rich foods instead of the fat heavy and carb laden things.

Today was the first day on the new system for me and I'll admit I struggled. I've gotten very comfortable using the old system, perhaps too comfortable. I actually don't mind telling you that I actually became a bit complacent. Instead of tracking everything I was eating, I was just sort of doing a half assed job of keeping track in my head. I'm sure it didn't help with my months long plateau.

With this new system, I HAVE to track. I have to learn the new value of everything.

I'm looking forward to this. I think it's going to work. I'm actually finding that I'm eating more. I think it's because I can eat fruit for no points now.

If you're just trying this ProPoints system for the first time, I hope you will give it a good chance! And keep updating on how it's going.

Progress

Remember last week I said we weren't going to talk about my weigh in? We're going to talk about it now. I gained. Not just a little bit. Oh no. I gained 3.1 kg (6.82 lbs) over two weeks. So that was a totally unpleasant weigh in for me. It was my own fault really...too much food, not enough exercise.

So I changed that.

For the past week I walked, I swam, I went to the gym. I ate better - smaller portions again, better food choices.

And when I stepped on the scales this week, I was down 2 kg (4.4 lbs). I was so happy! Let's hope I get another good result this week!

Punishers

I have a trainer. A personal trainer. Well, semi personal. She's only half mine. My friend KitKat and I are sharing her. Neither of us could afford to pay the full fee on our own, so we're sharing the Punisher. We had our second session this past Monday and I think it's safe to say that I was hurting. She's concentrating more on the weights and toning side of things, because we can do the cardio things on our own. I've done a lot of swearing in our sessions but I went in today and told her I'd try to hold off on that because clearly something is working. I don't know if she believed me.

So, how's your week going? Who needs encouragement?

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2010-11-11T00:28:00.001-08:00

I seem to be back on track. Sort of. At least today I am.

We're not going to talk about last night's weigh in. Suffice to say, I put on weight. More than I expected, less than I could have. Pizza, mud cake, wine, not enough exercise....it all came back around and bit me in the ass. I was expecting it, and I own the reasons why the weight was there and now I'm working to get rid of it again. I also feel ever so slightly better for the fact that it was a gain over two weeks. Still, it should have been a two week LOSS. And it wasn't.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, for now I'm concentrating on the exercise side of it. I've already got a pretty good handle on my food issues, I just don't always behave that way. The exercise thing though? Meh.

A friend and I are sharing the cost of a personal trainer on Monday evenings. We had our first session this week and it felt good at the time but I'll tell ya...I was cursing the woman's name for the next two days. Every single muscle in my body hurt. But I'm going back for more!

I went swimming today for an hour. I walked there and back.

I'm starting to feel more human again. I've been struggling with some terrible lethargy. I've been absolutely exhausted lately and I just realised (duh!) that it is likely because I haven't been getting enough exercise.

It'll come.

**********

There are changes coming to Weight Watchers here in NZ and Australia. We just found out last night that they are changing the whole points system. I googled it and apparently they've been using the system in Holland and Germany for a while now and people like it. Now it's going to be called ProPoints.

There are some types of change that I'm oddly resistant to and this is one of them. I hope it works as well as they say it does because at first glance, it looks more complicated than the current system. But, I'm told that it gives better results. So we'll see.

I am a bit peeved that I just got cookbooks, kitchen scales and points calculators that are now all obsolete but I'm hoping they'll find a way to get me over that.

Are you on the ProPoints system? Do you like it? Does it work...better?

Math isn't everyone's strong suit ;)

2010-10-28T12:05:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking about yesterday's post where I said I had lost 1.2 kgs and my current weight is 135.2. THAT got me to thinking that I could have SWORN that the lady wrote down a different weight on my card. So I went back and looked.

Sure enough, my actual weight this week was 134.8 kgs (296.56 lbs). I guess all I heard was "well done, you lost 1.2 kgs". Except I actually lost 1.6 kgs (3.52 lbs).

YAY!

That means that my total loss so far is : 23.8 kgs (52.36 lbs)!!

And I was totally kidding in my title.....the poor woman was busy as a bee trying to get all of us processed through the line up, so I won't hold it against her that she got my loss wrong. At least she wrote down the correct weight!

Still trudging along

2010-10-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

Things are still just carrying on over here. I missed a couple of weeks at Weight Watchers due to work, broken car and just a lot of stress in a lot of areas of my life. During those couple of weeks, my weight pretty much stayed the same - no more than a couple hundred grams up or down. I'll update about this week's weigh in later in the post.

**********

I find I still struggle, a lot, with emotional eating and for the last two weeks, I have fought the urge to raid the pantry every time I find myself grappling with my feelings. I don't want to be the girl who chows down on a pint of ice cream when she's sad. I don't want to inhale an entire party size bag of chips when I'm stressed about my work/family life balance. Nor do I want to be the girl who gorges on bunch of junk food to celebrate the successes.

For years, my eating has been very much tied to my emotions. Instead of dealing, appropriately, with my stress/anger/sadness/boredom/happiness/excitement.....I eat. It is something that I will likely always fight. It is something that I will likely never completely overcome and something that I will always need to be aware of. I hope it's something that my own daughter will never have to deal with.

**********

My October: Going the Distance Challenge has been going ok. This past Thursday, I did a LOT of walking. I walked to the school to get the kids (2 kms) and then walked home, at high speed to keep up with them on their scooters (2 kms). Later on I needed to go to work. Thanks to my car being in the shop and my step father's car being a bit sick as well, I ended up walking there and back (7.2 kms round trip). I was incredibly tired by the time I got home and found myself in bed very early.

I think all the walking helped though, because I did have a loss on the scales this week.

**********

I'm sure many of you have seen this article, by Marie Claire writer Maura Kelly, this week. It's been linked on Facebook, Twitter, multiple blogs and even in some emails I've received. I'm still actually digesting it and processing my own thoughts on the subject. I will do a post on it, in more detail, next week but for now I'll say that on the whole I think it was a very provocative post (duh!) and that she made one or two points that I agreed with in a SMALL way. But like I said, more on that later.

**********

Something that I am trying desperately to foster in my daughter is a healthy sense of self esteem. BUT!! I don't want it to stem from her perception of beauty. I want her to believe in herself as a whole. She needs to see herself as attractive inside AND out. I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, and happy with who she is as a person.

So, when our dear friend Medic posted the link to this video on Facebook, I was rapt. It is so fantastic. Please listen to ALL the words as she speaks. It really is amazing.

**********

So my loss for this week. After such a long, drawn out, plateau over the Winter, I am happy to say that Spring is looking up for me. I lost 1.2 kgs (2.64 lbs). That brings my total loss so far to 23.4 kgs (51.48 lbs).

Starting weight = 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs)

Current weight = 135.2 kgs (297.44 lbs)

SO HAPPY!

**********

So what have you all been up to?

Challenging times

2010-10-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have slid backwards to about 6 months ago when my motivation was starting to wane. It was about that time that I started cheating a bit. I would eat a biscuit but wouldn't track it. I would have a real Coke instead of diet and not track it. I would eat a bigger portion than I should and only track the points for what the portion should have been. I would not go for a walk but I would give myself 2 activity points under the premise that I had done a fair bit of general walking around for work.

Silly.

And I feel like I've slid back there. I'm not sure why, I'm not entirely sure how to fix it, but I know it needs to stop.

I was over visiting Karen at Muffin Fixation and she was telling us all about this challenge she had signed up for, so I went to check it out at "I go through life in inches and pounds".

I'm now a participant in the October Going The Distance challenge (#OctGTD). I have committed to doing 100 miles (about 166 kms) in the month of October...either walking in my neighbourhood or on the treadmill. I'm doing well so far, and I think that I needed the challenge. It seems to have pushed me in the right direction. I don't think it will show on the scales tonight, but we'll see.

What do YOU do when you're struggling and need to get back on track?

And we have a winner!!

2010-10-02T01:09:00.000-07:00

I love giveaways. I feel a little bit like one of Santa's chubby elves.

The awesome CSN Giveaway is over now and my trusty little Random Number Generator has picked a winner.

**DRUM ROLL PLEASE**

The lucky winner of some beautiful Le Creuset bakeware is none other than the awesome MiddleAgedWoman from Unmitigated!

Darlin', please email me and I'll send you the details so you can pick your colour and have them sent to you!

Miscellaneous health related thoughts

2010-09-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

** If you haven't entered to win the beautiful Le Creuset, go HERE and leave your comment **

*****

I didn't weigh in this week. Or rather, I didn't weigh in at Weight Watchers. I had taken the kids to Nelson (about an hour and a half away) for the day and by the time we got back, I was just...DONE. So I weighed myself here at home instead. My home scale is 400 grams lighter than the ones at WW and the little, angry lady that lives in my scale said I weighed 136.6. Which means that I would have been 137 kgs on the WW ones, which means I stayed the same. I'll take that.

*****

I was at a client's house the other night and we were talking about weight. I told her that at my heaviest, I had been 168 kgs (370 lbs). The look on her face was priceless. You could tell that she couldn't decide what to say or do. In the end, after she had finished buggin' out, she went with "How could you WALK?!" My simple answer was that I didn't. I waddled. And now I can run, because now I am down 21.6 kgs and I have energy.

I took her copies of my progress pics and got to see the whole buggin' out routine all over again. I love the reactions I get from people when they find out that I used to be MUCH bigger than I am now.

*****

I took these pictures earlier this week. The kids are on school holidays and rather than stay in the house with them, we decided to go exploring. So, we went in search of Monkey Bay. And we found it. All we had to do was walk up these stairs:

And then down this wee track for about 5 minutes:

To get to this beautiful little cove:

The walk was short, but invigorating. The views were amazing:

And of course it provides a perfect backdrop for a self portrait:

What does this have to do with health? Well, I noticed I've lost more fat off my face...and I look happier. Happy = Healthy = Happy.

*****

My whole eating according to my hunger signals is going fairly well. I've done much better with not snacking, I'm drinking more water, and I find I don't go to the pantry as often. I hope it continues to be this good.

*****

I've noticed a few people around the blogging world struggling lately. Either with exercise, food, portion control or all of the above, it seems to be getting people down. I'm not sure if it's the time of the year or if people really are getting discouraged. I'd like to share this video with you in the hopes that it will inspire you just a little bit:

That's all for today folks! Come back again soon!

Healthy Cooking Giveaway with CSN Stores!

2010-09-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Blenders. Slow cookers. Utensils. Food Processors. Dutch Ovens. Saucepans.

What do all of those things have in common?

1) They're all things that you can use to make delicious, HEALTHY meals to help with your weightloss.

and

2) They're all sold by CSNStores.com

I have run a couple of giveaways over on my other blog, courtesy of CSN, and they were well received. So, when I was approached to do one here, I jumped at it. I would have loved to have done a review of one of their products but, alas, I live in the wrong part of the world. So all of you lovelies out there get to benefit instead!

I know how important healthy eating is as a part of our journeys and to be able to eat the right things, you need to have the right tools. One of MY favourite things to make is casseroles. They're quick, easy, delicious and many of them only require one dish. So when I was looking through the CSN site to see what I could offer up to you, I decided I was going to go with something I've given away before......

Le Creuset Bakeware

These beauties come in Cherry Red, Caribbean Blue and Kiwi Green. There's a 9" baking dish and a 5" one with it. They're beautiful and wonderful and I think everyone should have a set.

So how can you win these?

Just leave a comment on this post. You can comment ONCE a day until the end of the giveaway. At the end, I will draw using the Random Number Generator.

Easy huh?

Competition is open to all US and Canadian residents. Please make sure you have a valid email address. If I can't get hold of you, I'll give it away to someone else. Giveaway closes Friday 1st October, 2010.

Oh...and I fully expect a yummy recipe from whoever wins!

Weigh in Results

2010-09-23T02:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I've made a discovery! I mentioned in my last post that I had the stomach flu. As a result of that stomach flu, I didn't eat for a few days...and was losing weight. Then I started to feel better and began to eat a little bit. Turns out that after not eating for a while, when you start again, your body starts holding onto it all. I know that probably doesn't come as a shock to most of you but I was a little more surprised than I perhaps should have been.

Where I had been expecting a loss of more than 1 kilo (2.2 lbs), I actually had a loss of 700 grams (1.54 lbs). Nothing to scoff at, for sure, but certainly less than I was expecting. I'll take it though. I feel like I may have actually broken the plateau that I had for June, July and August.

So. Current weight = 137 kgs (301.4 lbs)

I've really, majorly, kicked my ass into gear. I needed to. I had to break the plateau, I needed to see those numbers going down again and MOST importantly, I have a wedding to go to in April. Not only do I have to be AT the wedding, but I have to be IN it. I'm the Maid of Honour. So we'll see how much I can lose between now and the end of April so I can look half decent in my dress.

I'm trying something new. A friend that I met at WW mentioned it last week and I thought I'd give it a go. It's another one of those things that most of you will probably read and say "well DUH" but for some reason it never really connected in my head til last week.

I'm following my hunger signals instead of the clock. Instead of having breakfast at 8am, a snack at 10am, lunch at noon, a snack at 3pm and dinner at 6pm...followed by boredom eating in the evening.....I am eating when I am actually hungry. Sure, I have my breakfast at 8am like normal but instead of eating because the clock says I should, I wait until I'm actually hungry. Or that's the idea. Today was the first day and it went really well. Tonight I felt hungry but it turned out I was just thirsty. One nice big bottle of water later, and I felt much better.

We'll see how it goes for the next few days.

Make sure you come back on Monday....I'll have a giveaway starting courtesy of CSN Stores!

Wow, I really suck at this

2010-09-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Another 3 weeks of nothing from me. I'm really bad at this.

I don't even have a cool excuse!

This month has been interesting. After my last post, I went to my next meeting and managed a loss of 1.1 kgs (2.42 lbs) which was nice, albeit unexpected. Then last week I went and managed a gain of 500 grams (1.1 lbs) which sucked, but was totally expected because I did nothing all week and barely tracked.

What amused me was that the week I had my nice loss, I had spent the weekend in Wellington. I went over to see a roller derby bout. I stayed in a hotel, on my own. I had room service of lasagna, burgers, chips and wedges...on my own. I had a beer at the bout, with my new friend Maz. I thought for sure that I would gain weight. Turns out, that all the walking I did that weekend, did me some good. Wellington is a very hilly city.

The next couple of weeks will be interesting. I've been quite ill for the last few days with the stomach flu so I've not had much of anything to eat and according to my home scales, I'm down a fair amount. Silver lining and all that jazz. The problem is that I know that it could just as easily come back on for next week once I start eating again.

We'll see how it goes.

So how are all of you going?

Absence makes the heart grow something

2010-09-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hello peoples! I realise that I have been gone for nigh on a month now and I'm sure you've all missed me terribly. The thing is, I hadn't actually intended to disappear. One day turned into two, which turned into a week, which turned into a month. It was like the universe jumped into my life and said "Hey! You need a break from ...well... everything." and then put me on a blog hiatus. My other blog was noticeably vacant as well.

But I'm back. Because I think a month is long enough to disappear for and because, quite frankly, I missed you. I'm just happy that I left you with the fantastical wordage of Christine from Phoenix Revolution. She's a smart lady, that one. I really should take her advice more often.

So what's been happening in my little corner of the world? Not a whole damn lot, I have to say. I'm actually a little ashamed to say it. I spent August adjusting my weight. In the wrong direction. I gained 2.6 kgs (5.72 lbs) over three weeks. I'd love to reel off a whole bunch of excuses for my poor results but the plain and simple truth is that when *I* was sick with the flu, I was eating anything I wanted. Because I was sick. It made sense in my mind. Then, when my daughter was VERY ill with what the doctor said was Swine Flu, I ate anything I wanted. Because I was stressed about her. Totally made sense, again, in my mind. Add to that, that I wasn't exercising and what do you get? Oh yeah...weight gain.

*sigh*

Well. It's September now. And I'm back on track. I weighed in on Wednesday evening which was September 1st and I was down a whole 100 grams (0.22 lbs). Ooooohhh Aaaahhh. I know. Remarkable really. I've been tracking religiously and writing down everything. I had my month of blahs and binging and now it's time to put some serious work into this again.

My current weight? 138.3 kgs (304.26 lbs)

*sob*

It's ok. I'll be considerably lighter by Christmas.

I'm sorry I haven't been around to say hello to any of you. Blame the Universe. It made me. I'll be around to visit soon!

Guest Poster: Dishing the Dirt on Negative Calories

2010-08-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

Do “negative calorie” foods actually use more calories than they provide?

If you’ve been around in weight loss circles for long, you’ve probably come across the term. Free food. Negative-calorie food. Zero-calorie food. Fat-burning food.

The claim is not that the foods have zero calories – all foods have calories! The idea behind this is that with these foods, it takes your body more energy to chew and process the food than the item has in calories. In other words, you could eat these all day long and not gain a pound. They in essence become “negative-calorie foods.”

What are these miracle foods, you might ask? Grapefruit and celery usually top the list, along with tangerines, carrots, and lettuce. There’s a lot more on this list here: http://www.fitfaq.com/negative-calorie-fat-burning-foods.html. In fact, any healthy-food can be put on this list! Amazing!

Let’s look at celery first. At 6 calories per 8-inch stalk, it’s a dieter’s staple. It’s loaded with nutrition, vitamins, and goodness. Plus, because of its composition, it takes more energy for our bodies to digest the sucker than it gives us in 6 measly calories. By its composition, I’m referring to the amount of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen in the food, as well as cellulose and the link. (Fun fact: High-calorie, fatty foods typically have large numbers of carbon and hydrogen relative to oxygen atoms. But I digress.)

There’s some logic to this thinking. Some experiments have shown that digesting a salad burns around 50 to 60 calories just in the digestion process alone, which would make that salad “negative calories” if it was only 30 calories worth of lettuce and cucumbers.

Unfortunately, calculating your food in that method really doesn’t work that way. You see, when specialists (nutritionists, dieticians, doctors) estimate how many calories you should eat, they already take into consideration how many calories you burn chewing and digesting your food. That means that you’re subtracting the same calories twice, which will make you bounce your check at the Calorie Bank at the end of the day.

Furthermore, it would take an enormous amount of celery and grapefruit consumed in order to see a drop in the scale. It takes 3,500 calories to work off a single pound of fat, so you’d have to eat a truckload of celery to see a one-pound drop just relying on the negative-calorie theory to work.

On the other hand, opting for healthy, so-called “negative-calorie” foods are usually a healthy choice. They are often are a much healthier choice than chowing down on brownies and candy bars. Replacing your high-calorie foods with low-calorie foods is a great idea for losing weight, but don’t do so at the cost of nutritionally-devoid foods. For instance, rice cakes offer a low calorie value at 35 calories, but they are relatively high in carbs and offer zero vitamins and minerals that will help to make you strong. For the same calorie-price tag, you can choose a whole cucumber and get much more for your buck.

Instead, I prefer a different way of thinking. Some days, especially Mondays, Fridays, and Saturdays, none of the calories I consume count. Special occasions, such as birthdays, wedding, christenings, New Years Eve, Christmas, Thanksgiving…they are all contain negative calorie foods. Also, occasions when my mother cooks for me, food that is stolen from the communal food, given away as a sample at the grocery store…those are also occasions when foods turn magically into negative calories.

**********

Christine writes and maintains her website, Phoenix Revolution. More than just a blog, Phoenix Revolution provides a safe haven for women and men all over the world to come together to discuss real-life weight loss and wellness strategies. Visit her website at: http://www.phoenixrevolution.net and receive updates on Facebook at: http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/phoenix_revolution/.

Reaping the Rewards

2010-07-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Weigh in this week was good! As I stood in line, I muttered something to the lady in front of me about how I'd be happy to lose just the 700 grams (1.54 lbs) I had gained last week. After what seemed like an hour of standing in line to weigh in, I finally got to the front. I paid my money, hopped on the scale and waited. Sure enough, I lost 700 grams. So, I'm back down to 135.8 kg (298.76 lbs) and back to 22.8 kgs (50.16 lbs) lost.

It's a good feeling, to know you have lost that much.

It's a good feeling, to know that you can really do this thing.

It's a good feeling, to feel your clothes getting bigger and bigger.

But. It can be very discouraging to look at the numbers and realise just how far you still have left to go. Very disheartening. It can make you want to give up, when you look at the numbers and do the math and realise how long this road can be.

So what can you do to make that road a little more bearable? What can you do to stop yourself from giving up, throwing in the towel and drowning your misery in fried foods and fat globules? How do pull yourself out of the depths of I-can't-possibly-carry-on-so-I'm-going-to-eat-my-fat-ass-weight-in-cookie-dough-ice-cream ?

Well, you could have someone slap you and demand that you pull yourself together immediately. Or you could blog about it and hope that you get enough encouraging comments to eradicate the ennui (which you totally would, because us bloggers are good like that!).

OR!

You could reward yourself!!

Little rewards along the way can boost you. Your self esteem, your confidence, your happiness levels...all boosted when you have a reward.

In the last while, I have bought myself new pants and a couple new shirts. I suppose you could think of them as rewards but I rather think that I bought them out of necessity. There's just so long I can wear my other pants before I find myself accidentally mooning some poor old gal while I'm at work. I hear they frown on that kind of behaviour in my job!

Clothing aside, as I'd have to buy them anyway, I began to think about how I could reward myself for hitting the 50 lb mark. Ideally, I'd like one of these pretty baubles:

That's a Pandora charm bracelet in case you weren't aware of their existence. The jeweler here in town has them (or ones like them) and you can buy charms for them for reasonable prices. I'd like to get one and buy a new charm for every 5 or 10 kgs. I'll be pricing them out this week.

So then I thought, well, I'll get my nails done.

Yeah right. Get my nails done so that the next time I'm helping some old girl shower, I can slice through her paper thin skin. That'll be fun to explain to the bosses. Plus, long nails interfere with my stellar typing skills.

In the end I decided, on a whim, to get my hair done. Not just cut, as I'd been planning for weeks, but coloured as well. And you know what?

I. Feel. Fantastic.

I do. And now I can look down this long road of mine, just a little bit further, and totally picture my next reward. And the one after that!

Oh you want proof? (Oh, I want to show off?)

Me, before (note, messy mop of naturally blond hair, no shape to it, usually worn in a ponytail):

(This pic was taken about 8 kgs ago)

Me, after (looking incredibly bored in the picture where I pose sans glasses):

I really encourage you all to reward yourself along the way. We're all working towards the same goal - to be fit & healthy. That in itself will eventually be the giant reward, the Oscar to our award winning performances. But it is important along the way to keep ourselves going.

For me, a couple of hours at the hair salon was enough. I came away feeling new, feeling refreshed, feeling....cute! For you, it could be something else. Figure out what it is, and do it!

If you're already doing it....how do YOU reward yourself?

**********

If you're a "fan" of Looking For My Feet on Facebook, then you may have noticed the challenges I've been posting lately. Rest assured, I am doing them too! Those 100 sit ups just about killed me the other day because I was left with 50 of them to do right before bed. OUCH! So join in!

A couple quick things

2010-07-27T01:50:00.001-07:00

Welcome back everyone! I hope you're finding the new design of the blog up to par. I was somewhat dismayed to find my template had disappeared the other day but I think it was a blessing in disguise. After spending hours fiddling with things and playing with settings, I think I have it to where I am happy. I invite you to check out the tabs at the top and the sidebar to your right.

**********

I'd really like to have guest bloggers featured on a fairly regular basis. If you are interested in writing a post for Looking For My Feet, about your weight loss journey, path to fitness or anything else health/fitness/weight loss related, I'd love to hear from you. And don't be surprised if you get an email from me asking about this!

**********

I gained 700 grams (1.54 lbs) at last week's weigh in. I knew it was going to happen because I had a bit of a stressful week and spent a few days eating anything that wasn't nailed down. More on THAT in another post! I've been back on track this week, so I'm hoping it will be reflected on the scale at tomorrow's weigh in. Fingers crossed!

**********

See over there on the sidebar, that lovely Facebook badge? Please come visit there!

I'll be doing a couple of giveaways in the next little while. One will be from the followers here, and one will be for the fans on Facebook. Or "like-rs" I guess.

**********

Well. That's it folks. I hope you're all having a great week. I'll be back tomorrow after I've weighed in. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Please excuse the ugly

2010-07-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Gah! Came by to read a couple comments left by some of you wonderful folks out there and found my wee blog here lookin' a tad uglified! Seems the place where I got my blog template is having a bit of plastic surgery right now and my template has vanished into the ether along with Michael Jackson's nose. (Too soon?)

I'll hopefully have it lookin' all beautified again soon, so please don't be alarmed. Just cover all the mirrors, don't make direct eye contact, and come back soon ok?

Enjoyment is the key

2010-07-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! Before I get onto the topic at hand, did you notice when you clicked over here that the little icon next to my web address has changed? It is no longer the boring old Blogger icon! Yup...it's cool. I know. I was lucky enough over at my other blog to win a "favicon" from Angela over at Striking Keys. So once I had installed the one over there, I went searching and figured out how to get one over here too! Ain't it cool?

Also...I weighed in this week and was down 1 kgs (2.2 lbs) bringing my total loss to 22.8 kgs (50.16 lbs) and my current weight to 135.8 kgs (298.76 lbs). Thank you, hold your applause!

Anycoolness, I wanted to talk about exercise today. I know, I know...it's the end of the week, you've been working hard since Monday, you just want to relax and have a beer and some chips, blah blah blah. Well, suck it up princess (or prince...I have no idea if any guys are reading, so if you are...say hi!) because we're going to do this!

"Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional and mental states."
~ Carol Welch

We all know that exercise is good for us. It's common knowledge that the more you move, the healthier you are. And moving from the couch to the kitchen and back again doesn't count! Our doctors, nutritionists, personal trainers, families, friends and opinionated strangers on the street will all tell us that if we just got off our fat asses and DID something, that we might be able to lose some weight.

They're right.

Sorry, but they are. I hate to burst your bubble of ignorance, but they're right. It took me a while to come to terms with that, but I had to. If I hadn't come around, if I hadn't acknowledged that exercising needed to become an essential part of my life, I would very soon not even have the chance to change my mind....because I'd die. Plain and simple.

For some people, fat or thin, exercise sucks. It's just not an enjoyable thing for them.

For a fat person, exercise sucks more than a two dollar whore. (Sorry, was that rude? Get used to it, I'm here to stay. )

It sucks because:

~ you look out of place at a gym and everyone, including you, knows it

~ it puts pressure on all your joints & your back

~ it's hard to breathe and when you do, you often end up wheezing

~ it puts extra stress on your heart & lungs

~ you think you have to be running or doing some sort of heavy cardio

~ you haven't found a workout you enjoy

Well here's the simple answer: You deserve to be in that gym as much as possible, the pressure on your joints will ease as you lose weight and your breathing will improve, your heart will be less stressed as you lose weight, you can do something other than running and there ARE workouts to enjoy.

Ok. Now that we have that out of the way, let's pick just one of those bullet points and run with it, shall we?

Finding a workout you can enjoy!

Exercise = Enjoyment ??
FAIL

For a long, long time that was how I viewed things. I knew I needed to lose weight, I knew how to do it. I just didn't equate the two. And for some things, I still don't. For example, I don't see the fun in sitting on a hard bike seat, in a hot room, with some bitch at the front yelling at me to pedal faster because I'm a lazy, fat cow....yet others think spin class is great!

The key (ahhh...and now the title gets tied in!) is to find something that you can do, do well, and have fun while you're at it. So I thought, for the purposes of this little project, that I would let you in on my feelings about some of the stuff out there. Ready?

Walking - I started this journey by walking. A lot. Everywhere. I still do it. Once I am plugged into my iPod, with the tunes playing in my ears, I get lost in my own little world. This is a great exercise for anyone, whether you're morbidly obese or at your ideal weight. Walk slow, walk fast. Just walk. Enjoyment factor (on a scale of 1 to 10)? = 7

Running - I am only just getting into this and honestly, at 135 kgs, it's still a bit hard on my knees but I am beginning to enjoy it. I can feel myself building a rhythm and with the music in my ears, it's just me. I think to get to the point where you enjoy it, doing a program like the C25K is important. Enjoyment factor = 6 with room for improvement

Swimming/Aqua Aerobics/Water Walking - Being in the water makes me happy. I started off slow, swimming about 10 lengths in the pool and now I can do 80 lengths (2 kms) with and without fins. It's very freeing, floating along, weightless. Enjoyment factor = 7
Aqua Aerobics gets the heart rate up but with no pressure on the knees and back. Enjoyment factor = 6
Water Walking is fantastic. You get the resistance of the water, with no pressure and you can just keep walking til you get tired. Enjoyment factor = 7

Gym Slog - That's about the only good name I can come up with for it. I have a gym membership and I use it...but only because it's a nice alternative to walking in the rain (where I might melt) and it has the weights for toning up a bit. Beyond that, meh. Enjoyment factor = 3

Yoga/Pilates - Never tried them...plan to soon.

Kickboxing - Been a few years but liked it when I did it. Very good for stress relief. Enjoyment Factor = 7

Wii - Meh. Good in a pinch or if it's miserable outside. Too stoppy/starty for me. Enjoyment factor = 4.

Zumba - I've saved the best for last. In my opinion, this is THE best thing to hit the world since the day I was born to make your lives complete. I have never had so much fun at an exercise class. EVER. It's a latin dance based workout and REALLY gets the heart pumping. There are people of all ages, sizes and abilities that attend. No one cares what you look like....mostly because they don't notice, they're too busy keeping track of their own thing. It's fast paced, it's fun, it's ....awesome! Enjoyment factor = 12!

What kind of workout makes YOU feel good? What you truly enjoy doing?

Now, get off your ass and go DO something!!

Weighing the alternatives

2010-07-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale.
~ Stephen Phillips

Ain't that the truth?!

People the world over have a set of scales in their house, usually in the bathroom, and they spend incredible amounts of time hopping on and off them. Digital scales, dial scales, you name it, we've got it. We get up in the morning and step on the scales. We go to the bathroom and we step on the scales again, just to see how much weight we lost by peeing. We have breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks and after every meal we stand on the scale to see the change. It can drive us nuts.

Personally I have an older dial scale in the bathroom but it only goes up to 130 kgs. Only. HA! That's a lot. And yet, I'm still not there.

I have a Wii Fit which will weigh me but I can stand on it 5 times in 5 minutes and it will give me a different weight every time. Plus, it weighs me at 4 kgs LIGHTER than the Weight Watchers scales.

This obsession that we have with scales and constantly weighing ourselves in not healthy! Our weight can easily fluctuate up to 2.2 kgs (5 lbs) a DAY, so why do we put ourselves through it?

Wouldn't it be better to concentrate on:

~ how satisfied we're feeling through the day?
~ our measurements over the course of a month?
~ the way our clothes are fitting?
~ how much exercise we've managed to do that week?

I see the desire to chart our weight, I just don't see the point in doing it daily or multiple times a day. It's great to keep an eye on our weight, but dangerous to become obsessed with it.

I weigh in on Wednesdays. I stand on my bathroom scale and wish that it would magically drop below the 130 kgs mark, but the scale I depend on, the scale I go by, is the one at Weight Watchers.

If you are someone who stands on your scale more than once (or twice) a week, I beg of you to put it in the deep dark recesses of a closet somewhere until you have broken yourself of the desire to jump on it. Start looking at other ways to measure your success, that will support the numbers on the scale. Start believing in those other ways so that if the scale shows a gain, you can look at your measurements or your clothes and say to yourself "my weight may have gone up this week but you know what? I feel great!"

As for me? I'll continue to weigh in at WW, but I'm going to put the bathroom scales away for now. It doesn't matter how much I plead with them, they don't want to drop below 130 just yet anyway. So they can just bugger off until they're willing to cooperate.

So. How is YOUR relationship with the scales going?

10 Things

2010-07-12T01:55:00.000-07:00

I forgot to update after my last weigh in. I lost 600 grams...which is half of what I had gained the week before, so that's a plus!

Now.

Often on this adventure we can get so fixated on the things that we don't like about ourselves and the things that we want to change or get rid of, that we can lose sight of the good things. Be honest with yourself for a minute - how often do you stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself "Ugh...I really need to tone up my arms, they look like they're having a disco of their own whenever I wave at someone" or "I wish I had a better body/face/hair style". We're hard on ourselves.

What I would like to challenge all of you to do this week is this. Find at LEAST 10 things that you like about yourself, and write them down. Blog about them. Tell your spouse or your best friends.

I promise you'll feel better afterwards. Don't think about, just do it!

I'll start.

10 Things I Like About Myself

1. I love my hair. I have awesome hair. It's long. It's blonde. It's thick. It's lovely. Plus, it falls out in handfuls. This can be mildly irritating but, for the purposes of this post, I'm going to keep the fact that I lose copious amounts of hair in the "I like this about me" category because I find it funny that The Man has to pull so much of it out of the shower drain on a regular basis.

2. I have pretty eyes. I really do. They're a crystal clear blue and they shine. I have always been complimented on my eyes and I fully plan to keep those compliments coming. I think that they're probably my best feature.

3. I am a good mother. Sure I yell and scream and have my own little temper tantrums occasionally but I am a kick ass mother to my children. They will always know that I am here for them and will love them and make time for them.

4. I work very hard at being a good friend. I try to be there for a laugh or as a shoulder to cry on. I'll help plot revenge and cover up the evidence for you too. I'll be there for you in whatever capacity I can and enjoy doing so.

(this is harder than I thought, ya'll!)

5. I am tall. This means I can reach high shelves, change lightbulbs on my own, and rest my head on my husband's shoulder. I have longer before my children will be taller than me and if I ever get the chance to stand next to Tom Cruise, I can be added to the list of women that tower over him.

6. I have a great sense of humour. Alright, it's sometimes warped and always dirty...but it's fantastic.

7. I have really strong legs. My arms may be pathetically weak much of the time, but my legs are incredibly strong. They carry me through my life and allow me to run after my children. One day, they will take me through a running race. One day.

8. My brain holds onto all sorts of weird facts. I know a lot about movies and random literary references. This means that I often have an advantage in trivia games...but I try not to let that go to my blonde head.

9. I am stubborn. Many would view this as a bad quality but in this case, as it pertains to my weight loss especially, I think it's a great thing. It means that I'm not going to give up this time. I'm determined to succeed and anyone who tries to get in my way had better watch their back.

10. I love. Deeply. If you fall into the group of people who I love, I will go to the ends of the earth for you. Not in a weird, stalker-ish kind of way...but I will do whatever I can for you. I will love you, support you and be there for you.

So that's my 10 things. What are yours?

Flop. Fizz. Fumble. FAIL!

2010-07-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

Well. Have any of you seen that website called Fail Blog? If you haven't, you should check it out. It's rather funny, except that there should probably be a section on it for me now, complete with a screen shot of my blog from the beginning on June. Like this...

Because, unfortunately, that's what my June Challenge turned into. A fail. It's funny because Tex even commented on the original post and said to just pick one of my goals and go with that. And yet, I didn't even manage to succeed in ONE of my goals. *sigh*

This whole journey can be rather frustrating at times. Just when I thought I was back on track, I got sick. So those goals I made? Drinking my water, exercising 4 days a week, tracking everything I eat AND losing 4kgs in the month of June? Yeah, I'd say they turned into quite the big fat

FAIL

I drank a fair amount of water, especially when I was sick, but did not exercise anywhere near 4 days a week and my tracking fell by the wayside for awhile there. As for weight loss, thanks my June 30th weigh in showing a one week gain of 1.2 kgs (2.64 lbs) (yes really! I swear the caramel lumps pinned me down and jumped down my throat! They've since been evicted from my house), my grand total for loss in the entire month of June was a wopping 100 grams (0.22 lbs).

AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

So what do you do when this happens? The instinct, for me at least, seems to be to crawl into a hole and give up. But I'm fighting that urge and I've been tracking diligently this week. I've also been wearing my pedometer and I'll be off to Zumba tonight.

I have not given up on my Virtual Bike Tour of NZ but, needless to say, it too fell off the radar.

Let's set some new goals shall we?

JULY CHALLENGE!

Water: Drink it, drink it, drink it! I have started carrying a water bottle with me in the car so I have water with me most of the time. It makes me feel like I'm floating but I know it's good for me. I'm probably getting at least 6 glasses of water a day, just from the bottle alone.

Food: I really, really need to eat more fruits and veggies. My aim is to try a new fruit or vegetable, in some form, every month. At LEAST one new one.

Tracking: Track. Everything. I. Eat. It really is that simple. You'd think that after 8 months it would have clicked by now eh?

Exercise: At least 3 days a week, for at least 45 minutes. I already have two days a week accounted for because I'm going to Zumba on Monday & Tuesday nights. Soon there will be a class on Fridays as well. They're hour long classes, so that's great! I'm also still attempting to train for the 5K in August, so hey...looks like we're sorted eh?

Weight loss: I think 4 kg was a bit of a reach for last month. So, for July, I am aiming for 2.5 kgs (5.5 lbs). If I manage more than that, cool! If not, oh well. We have 4 weigh ins this month, so I'm hoping that's an achievable goal.

Blogging: More than once a week. It keeps me accountable. Plus...it gives you something to do.

ONWARDS & UPWARDS! .....ERR.....DOWNWARDS!

Try a little yumminess!

2010-06-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Don't forget (if you're in the US or Canada) to hop on over to my other blog and enter my giveaway! You could win a brand new Hamilton Beach Food Processor OR some gorgeous Le Creuset casserole dishes!!

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As I was making dinner last night, I decided to use my fancy schmansy Weight Watchers scales to measure out everything and, in the process, work out how many points it all came to.

I was making one of my most favourite meals and I thought that if it worked out well, I could share it with all of you. Turns out, it came to far less points than I thought it would!

This is my mom's meatloaf recipe. I usually serve it with mashed potatoes and mixed veggies but it's also great with a salad. I hope you'll try it sometime. It's much meatier than the meatloafs I've had before (mostly in the UK and chock full of breadcrumbs. Blech!) and the glaze on top of it is delish! I totally forgot to take a picture. Sorry!

Yummy Scrummy Meatloaf

Ingredients:

500 grams (approx 1.5 lbs) LEAN minced beef/pork/lamb
2/3 cup oats
2/3 cup SKIM milk
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon poultry seasoning
2 eggs
1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce
1 small onion - finely chopped

Mix together and pat into a loaf pan.

Glaze:

1/4 cup ketchup (tomato sauce)
1 teaspoon mustard
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Mix together and pour over meatloaf, spreading as evenly as possible.

Bake your meatloaf at 350F (175C) for approximately 70 - 75 minutes. Cuts nicely into 5 slices.

For those of you on Weight Watchers, this works out to 4 points per slice. They're good size slices though!

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And now, I'm off to another Zumba class. I'm hoping to not look quite so much like a salad vegetable after this session but I won't be holding my breath. I might even take a picture of myself after, just for your amusement!

GIVEAWAY!

2010-06-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps...just a quick one before I run out the door. I have another blog over at Mind of a Mad Woman. I'm running a giveaway there right now which might interest many of you out there in the weight loss world (and otherwise). It's in conjunction with CSN Stores and the prizes are cool.

GO HERE to check it out and enter!!

Did you study up?

2010-06-23T02:55:00.000-07:00

POP QUIZ!

Which one of your global blog writers is blonde, has blue eyes, is Canadian and living in New Zealand and has been trying to lose weight?

Right. Me.

Which blogger spent the month of May going up and down on the scale?

Right again. Me. Ugh.

Last question.

Which blogger weighed in tonight and showed a loss of 800 grams (1.74 pounds)??

ME!!

Yes, folks, that brings my total loss (as you'll see in my updated sidebar) to 22.4 kgs (49.28 lbs).

What that ALSO means is that my weight in pounds no longer starts with a 3!!! I am officially UNDER 300 lbs. Woooooooooooo!!!

Current Weight: 136.2 kgs which is 299.64 lbs.

YAY!!!!

It's late so I'm off to bed. I'll have a more fleshed out post up tomorrow afternoon. Ciao, beautiful people.

And we're off!

2010-06-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

Well weigh in went pretty much as expected the other night. I gained 100 grams (0.22 lbs) which, in the grand scheme of things, is not too bad considering how sick I'd been and how little exercise I did. I have moved on, and exercise is in full swing now.

**********

Mission: Cycle the Length of New Zealand is officially underway and I did my first 10 kms on the bike on Thursday. I also did 1 km walking because, well, you need to warm up right?

So we start our bike tour of NZ at Cape Reinga at the northern-most tip of the country. The name comes from the Maori word 'Reinga' for Underworld. The Maori people believe that the cape is the point where the spirits enter the underworld. It also happens to be pretty much where the Tasman Sea meets the Pacific Ocean. There is a beautiful lighthouse there that was built in 1941 to replace one from a nearby location from 1879. There's been no lighthouse keepers there since 1987. Here's a couple pictures for your perusal. (Images from Google Images)

Next up on our tour will be Te Paki and Waitiki Landing. I hear there's some great sand dunes to surf on before we move on to Karatia (Thoms Landing). So stay tuned!

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I have completed Day 1 - Week 1 of the C25K program. Oh. My. Goodness. I've downloaded some podcasts to help me through and on the one hand I was dreading the guy's voice that was going to tell me to run and on the other hand I was begging him (out loud! You should have seen some of the looks I got) to just tell me to stop. But when I was done, I felt fantastic. I had a lot of exercise on Thursday between my biking and that run followed by a walk. Maybe it'll help me lose weight this week!

I hope everyone is having a great day! I'm heading out for a run soon before I go to work, which I'm looking forward to (I think Hell just froze over with me saying that!).

Leaving the comfort zone behind.

2010-06-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

I have weigh in tonight. I'm not anticipating a loss because I seem to have used being sick as an excuse to slack a bit in the eating department. This would have been ok if I'd been getting my normal amount of exercise but that was the last thing on my mind when I was trying to breathe.

However, tomorrow we begin a new week and it's GAME ON!

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I have a couple new ..um.. projects (??) that I'd like to tell you about. I say projects because they really are going to be things that I have to work on regularly.

First up.....

There is a little girl here in town named Honor.

At 2 months old she was diagnosed with Infantile Spasms. The first medication she tried worked well for 3 months, it was thought all was well and Honor would develop and grow like any other child. Little did they know that the medication would stop working very soon and Honor would regress to newborn stage at 5months old.

Many different medications have been tried but nothing seems to work, they would get their hopes up with each new medication thinking maybe this will be the one to work, but each and every time they were let down.

Honor has been to Christchurch hospital and Auckland’s Starship Hospital many times over the last 2 years for different tests and medication changes. Honor has tried 10 different medications in her short life; she has had 2 MRI scans, numerous EEG scans, a lumber puncture & many blood & urine tests.

Honor will be 2 in August.

Honors Infantile spasms have almost depleted but have now changed to generalized/Myclonic a seizure which is what the Doctors always said will be likely to happen.

Honor also has global development delay; she can sit & move around the floor (not crawl) but can’t reach out to a toy which means she cannot feed herself or play. She very seldom smiles and is slowly starting to focus on people and objects.

Neurologists still don’t know what’s causing Honors seizures or how much she will develop in the future, we just take each day as it comes and treasure her good days.

This was brought to my attention on Facebook by my fearless leader, Tex. And so, on August 8th, 2010, a number of us will be taking part in a local race. There is a 21 km half marathon option, a 10 km fun run/walk and a 5 km fun run/walk. Everyone is doing what they feel most comfortable with.

Honestly, I know I can walk 21 kms but decided that this time I would go a bit smaller. Some of the ladies are doing the 10K but I am going to try for my very first 5K. And to achieve this, I will be following the Couch to 5K program.......because I would like to run as much of this as possible.

I am stepping outside of my very cushy comfort zone and doing this. And by doing this, I hope to raise some money for the beautiful little girl that is Honor. If you would like to sponsor me for this run/walk, to help raise money for this girl and her family, you'll find a little DONATE button over on my sidebar.

All funds raised will go to Honor and anything she may need, now or in the future.

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Secondly......

I've thinking recently about getting out and about on my bike. Except I don't have one. I could borrow my husband's but that then requires the effort of dealing with the height of the seat. Then I got to thinking about how cool it would be to see more of New Zealand. Except I don't have the money to do that. So what do you do when you don't have the money to travel or the bike to do it on?

You do it on an exercise bike at the gym! A virtual tour of New Zealand.

Starting tomorrow, every time I am at the gym, I will get on the stationary bike and pedal away. I will log my distance and plot it on a map much like this one:

Eventually, I hope to ride the entire length of the country. It's approximately 2000 kms or 1245 miles. As I make my way down the country, I will share with you the beauty of the country that I live in, through a few pictures. And of course, I hope to lose some more weight with this too.

This will take a while. There was a man who did it for real a couple of years ago. He made the entire distance in 4 days, 17 hours and 40 minutes. WOW!

This is, again, me stepping out of my comfort zone. But I'm looking forward to it.

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What will YOU do this week to step out of your comfort zone?

In Sickness and In Health

2010-06-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

I have been sick. I have had a head cold of massive proportions and it managed to suck every ounce of extra energy out of my system for near on 4 whole days. This, of course, put the kybosh on my somewhat ambitious plans to work out this weekend while the sun was shining. I had walks and swimming and gym time planned out in my head but when I woke up Friday morning, I could see it all vanish before my eyes.

As the weekend went on, I felt progressively worse and was worried that it was going to impact my entire week. Some people lose their appetite when they're sick, but this is not the case for me. I may actually have eaten MORE than usual. *sigh*

By last night (Sunday), I was feeling a bit better so I was already making plans to get some exercise. This, of course, brought out the folks who know what they're talking about and each of them told me to take it easy. You'd think I'd listen..but no.

Today I took the kids to school. I parked the car at their school and headed into town on foot. It was bloody cold out there but I had my pedometer, my iPod and my mittens and I was determined to get some exercise. I walked all over the place before heading home. By 11 a.m. I had walked just under 6 kms and I was feeling good. The fresh air really helped to clear out my head.

At school pick up time, I walked back to get the kids and the car before heading to the store. I was a bit slower this time but still feeling good.

**Side note: Remember that fancy new pedometer I got from WW? I still love it but have discovered that I absolutely MUST pause it while I am in the car otherwise it shows me having walked almost twice as far as I actually have. I realised this the other day when I did hardly any walking at all in the morning and yet it showed about 8 kms, so now it goes on PAUSE whenever I'm in the car. Something for y'all to think about when it comes to your pedometers.**

It's now evening and I'm exhausted. It's only 7 pm. I'm glad I got out in the fresh air, but I do wish I'd listened a bit more to the folks who were telling me to take it easy. I think I might have over done it.

I think the key is to listen to your body. It needs to rest to get better.

Now that I'm a bit more healthy, I'm looking forward to getting back on track with working out. I'm not very optimistic about weigh in this week, but we'll see.

How do you know when your body is ready to exercise again? What do you do to make yourself feel better when you're sick?

Her name is Bertha and she's a lying cow

2010-06-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am officially naming my Wii Fit platform. She will hereby be known as "Bertha". And just so you know, lest you think that she is a loving piece of fitness and gaming equipment, she is a lying cow.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, Bertha tried to squash my confidence when I stood on her yesterday. She lied through her tiny electronic teeth and told me I'd gained. This shook me to the core and I nearly shook her to the core. She's really pushing her luck.

Anyfatcow.....I went to my weigh in last night with a little more trepidation than usual. I was late getting there so I had to stand in line for much longer than usual which just let the butterflies go nuts in my stomach. I need not have worried. That stupid Bertha can shove it where the electrodes don't fire because I lost!!

600 g (1.32 lbs)

Total loss = 21.7 kgs (47.74 lbs)

I'd like to give you a glimpse as to what that kind of weight looks like. Are you ready for this?

This gorgeous boy in the picture to the left is Boy Spawn. My son. He'll be 6 in August.

He weighs 21.5 kgs (47.3 lbs).

I have now rid myself of more than he weighs.

Is that shocking to anyone else but me? It astounds me that I was carrying this around on a daily basis. And I still have more to go. So much more.

I have lost a 6 year old.

I don't want that 6 year old back. If you should happen to find the 21.7 kgs that make up that 6 year old, you are more than welcome to dispose of them as you see fit. I'll be happy if I never see them again.

I'm about 4 kgs shy of having lost what my 8 year old daughter weighs. I'm hoping that when I hit the 25.5 kg mark that I can take her with me to my WW meeting so I can have her stand up and show people.(Hey Tex, would that be ok?) It's a really amazing visual. It messes with your head.

I know there's some of you out there who are struggling lately. Personal issues, food issues, exercise, sleep and motivation issues......they're all getting in the way. PLEASE don't give up! You too can lose a 6 year old. And you'll feel so much better for it. Keep going!!

My Wii Fit platform is out to get me.

2010-06-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

I have weigh in tonight.

I was feeling rather confident until about 2pm when I decided to step on the Wii Fit platform and it screamed "OH HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL...GET OFF!" at me.

Ok. Maybe it was more like "Maggie, you seem to have gained 1.5 kgs. Did you remember to exercise this week?"

I just about threw it through the window. We'll see how accurate it is after weigh in tonight but at this point in time it has me weighing (taking into account the 4.2 kgs difference between the Wii Fit and the WW scales) 139 kgs. Considering last week I weighed in at 137.5 kgs, that's a bit of a kick in the enormous gut.

*sigh*

Fingers crossed that my Wii Fit is just being a bitch and I've actually gone down. If that's the case, I'm gonna kick the cow's ass when I get home. If she's right (I've decided it's a woman because I've also decided she's just jealous of my descending poundage and has resorted to underhanded tricks), then I will kiss her and love her and tell her thank you for the reality check.

I'm really hoping it's not the latter.

Thoughts

2010-06-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Did y'all notice that Tex commented on my last post? I hope you'll all welcome my fearless leader and make her feel at home here. Everyone, meet Tex. Tex, meet...um...everyone?

Well folks, we're 4 days into my June Challenge and so far things are going well. Going well so far. Here's some things I've been thinking about this week:

* You know how people tell you that if you deprive yourself of something, you want it even more? It's totally true. Annoyingly so. This time around I decided not to say "No coke". I just said that I must consume the minimum 8 glasses of water a day. And you know what's funny? It's working! Since I lifted the embargo on Coke, I've wanted far less of it. In fact, the other night I poured myself a glass, took a sip and by bedtime I had to put it back in the fridge. It took me until the NEXT night to finish that ONE glass!! I know! I was shocked too. And I've been getting all the water.

* Water is my friend. No, really! Ok, well the fact that I have to go pee a million times a day is getting a little annoying but here's the thing, just in the last four days I've already noticed that my skin is better, I feel better (not so sluggish) and I'm sleeping better. With the exception of the three times I have to get up to pee. *sigh*

* I am becoming reacquainted with soup. I have a whole bunch of delicious soup recipes in my WW cookbooks which I am starting to try out and I'm really enjoying it. I've started having a bowl of soup with a sandwich at lunch time and it really fills me up and keeps me going until dinner time. I never thought I'd see the day when I enjoyed soup!

* It is amazing how much walking around we do in the course of a day. I got the new pedometer from WW and I'm LOVING it.

~ pause for the oohs and ahhs of admiration~

Turns out that just in the course of my day I rack up an average of about 13,500 steps. That's just from doing errands, going to work, dropping and picking up the kids from school....it doesn't even take into account any exercise I do.

Love it!! I think everyone should have a pedometer. They're fantastic!

I still have my old WW pedometer. Maybe I should give it away to one of you??

* I found myself getting upset the other day when I was reading through my new WW magazine. I got to the success stories and as I flicked through I noticed that most of them have lost about 10 to 15 kgs (22 to 33 lbs). The first thought that ran though my head was "Why are THESE people being showcased as a success story? They've ONLY lost......." and I clung to that for a couple days. Then in our meeting, we got to talking about the 2010 Healthy Life Awards that are coming up and how it doesn't matter how much you've lost, if you're at goal then you can enter. Something Tex said really stuck with me (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Sometimes losing a small amount can be just as hard ... OR HARDER ... than losing a large amount". And you know, she's right. It doesn't matter whether you have to lose 10 kgs or 100 kgs, it's a journey either way. So, I won't be thinking that anymore.

* I made this delicious stir fry the other day and I'd like to share the recipe with as many people as I can. It was published on the awesome Lose It Bitches! blog and you can find it by clicking below. If you don't like food with a bit of bite, you might want to halve the amount of ginger used, but other than that it's a recipe you can stick to it.

CLICK HERE FOR DELUMPTIOUS STIR FRY RECIPE

* It's amazing to me what a difference the sun can make to my mood. I've been out walking around, happily running errands, getting laundry done, and all with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. Unfortunately we're meant to get rain for another few days but I'll live.

* I brought the Nordic Track skier machine over from my mom's house. It's going to take some getting used to but it looks like it'll be good for me. I can be on it while I'm watching tv or reading a book and it means that on those days I don't feel like going to the gym or out in the rain to walk, I have something I can do.

Thinking hurts sometimes but it's a good hurt!

2010-06-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be."
~ David Viscott

As we come to the end of the 2nd day of June here in NZ, I've been thinking a lot about the goals that I want to set up for June. I was reading something that Jody had written over at "Are you living your best life?" about coming to the end of her May challenge and it struck me that maybe I needed to take a leaf out of her book.

When I instigated my 7 Week Challenge, I honestly thought I'd succeed. If someone had asked me if I could predict any problems I would have truthfully answered, "No". And yet just a few short weeks into the challenge and I'd already bailed on most of it. I didn't sit there and consciously think to myself "hey, I don't feel like drinking water anymore"...I just let the Coke Zero back into my life. I didn't make a decision to not go to the gym as often or swim anymore, I just didn't make a point of scheduling the time in. I didn't choose to not track my food, I just didn't make the effort.

And where did all my not bothering & not making time get me? It got me to where I was losing and re-gaining the same 2.2 kgs for the entire month of May. I think we can call that a big fat FAIL.

Was the length of the challenge wrong? Perhaps. I think (ok fine, I KNOW) there was more to it than that, but we'll start with the length of the challenge. This is where Jody comes in. She does monthly challenges. I think that is far more realistic. She sets goals for every month and works hard to achieve them. So I will be doing monthly things from now on.

We'll get back to that....

Something else I read today hit me in the face like cold, wet fish. It was unpleasant but man did it ever make me sit up and take notice! I was over visiting *FiTCETERA* and she had a quote of her very own up there that said:

"If you're not willing to make sacrifices in order to reach your goals, then you better resign yourself to the fact that you'll stay right where you are. Suck it up! Be brave and be a little uncomfortable."

She went on to say this:

"I need to take my own advice........I haven't been willing to make sacrifices (not long term). I haven't been willing to do the hard work (not long term). I haven't been willing to be uncomfortable (not long term). And I have stayed right where I am (long term)."

People, I thought my head was going to fall off from nodding along in agreement so vigorously! At the beginning of this journey I was so good. I tracked everything that went into my mouth, I exercised regularly and I planned ahead. As the weeks and months have gone on, I've been more and more willing to let things slide...always with the confidence that I can fix it next week. The problem is, there is ALWAYS going to be a next week so I will always have that leeway. I can't take away that flexibility but I CAN do away with the mind set. There is NO MORE leeway.

I had to go back and look at WHY I even started this journey. Among so many other reasons, the main ones were:

To get healthy

To not be the fat mom.

To not be the fat wife.

To be able to watch my kids grow up.

To be comfortable in FRONT of the camera.

To be healthy.

To be healthy.

To be healthy.

Somewhere along the line, I have lost sight of that. I have lost my drive and determination to reach goal and that is not ok. Even if I no longer want to do this for my husband and children, I MUST do this for ME! If sacrifice, discomfort, hard work, grit and persistence is what I need to put out there, then so be it!

So here we go! One month at a time.

(In the middle of this post I had to run off to weigh in and found out I lost 1.1 kgs / 2.42 lbs...YAY!)

JUNE CHALLENGE
(June 2nd - June 30th)

"This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything"
~ Scott Reed

GOALS

Weight Loss: My starting weight for this month's challenge is 137.5 kgs (302.5 lbs).

My goal for June is to lose a minimum of 4 kgs (8.8 lbs). I am going to put one of those little ticker thingies in the sidebar to track this. Fingers crossed!

Exercise: Lately I've been using the weather as an excuse to not exercise. I've been using it a lot. Like, a lot. No more. I have a Wii Fit, I'm bringing my mom's Nordic Track Skier across the road to my house, I have a gym/pool membership and I have lots of streets I go walk on. No more excuses!!

My goal for June is to work out in some capacity for at least 45 minutes a day for a minimum of 4 days a week.

Water: I'm not sure why, but weaning myself off the Coke Zero didn't work any more than going cold turkey did. I swear there's something in it that I'm truly addicted to. I am, however, drinking far less of it which is a step in the right direction.

My goal for June is to drink that 8 glasses of water the powers that be always talk about. Every day.

Tracking & Food: I've really let the tracking slip lately. When I don't track, I don't lose. Tracking in my head doesn't work, it MUST be done on paper. I bought a new tracker at Weight Watchers tonight.

My goal for June is to track everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that goes into my mouth. I will also plan ahead for as many meals and snacks as I can. I will also eat more fruit for snacks, eat less sugary items and eat more veggies at dinner time..even if it means having a salad every night to get that into me.

So. What are your goals for this month?

Blah

2010-05-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

"Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork"
~ English Proverb

One of the things that I particularly like about Weight Watchers as opposed to some of the other weight loss options out there is that I can still eat what I want. I don't have to buy their food (although I do sometimes, just to try it), I don't have to cut out a million things from my everyday eating, and I don't have to exist just on soups filled cabbage and legumes. I know that there is a points value for everything that goes into my mouth and with my trusty points calculator I am able to work out just about anything.

Unfortunately, I have recently started to use that "I can eat what I want" as justification for everything that goes into my mouth and I've been eating a LOT of empty calories. A chocolate bar here, a pikelet (small pancake) there, and cookies! For the points that I need to account for in a chocolate bar or 2 pikelets, I could have three bananas. It's ridiculous.

Worse still? I'm. Not. Tracking. Well, not properly anyway. I got this idea after weeks and weeks of tracking diligently that I could just do it in my head from now on. Um. No. That doesn't work. So not only am I not eating healthy things, but I'm not tracking what I AM eating properly. And then I sit and wonder why I've gained, lost and regained the same pounds for the entire month of May? How stupid am I? (don't answer that)

"I keep trying to lose weight....but it keeps finding me!"
~ Author Unknown

For my birthday on Wednesday, I did give myself a bit of a free pass. I wanted cake! And I had it. But I've tried to be good since then.

Did you notice how my 7 Week Challenge kind of fell by the wayside? Yeah. FAIL! I'm not entirely sure what happened. I lost all of my get up and go part way through. It got up and went. Somewhere else. Probably to someone who was willing to be kind to it. I went back to drinking Coke Zero (yes, Tex, you can slap my hand when you next see me!), I stopped drinking water altogether..not even just less of it. It's pathetic really.

So. New plan!

I'm taking part in the new "Lose It Bitches" weight loss challenge which runs from May 1st to August 31st...which is great, but I need a few smaller challenges in there too. So I think to be a little more realistic than my 7 week thing, I'm just going to do monthly ones.

June! Less Coke Zero, MUCH more water, oodles more exercise and tracking, tracking, tracking!

I'm trying a Zumba class on Monday night.....what are you trying that's new?

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-05-26T03:12:00.000-07:00

Well hello, peoples! So what do we think of the changes around here? I decided that plain white background I had going was just too boring. So I headed on over to The Cutest Blog on the Block and nabbed one of their free templates. Purty eh? And then I nabbed a couple of buttons for the sidebar. So now I have an "About" page and a "Follow Me" page. Ooohh I feel so special....check 'em out, won't you?

You know what else makes me feel special? (Nahahaha....cool segue, huh?) My birthday. Yup. It's my birthday today. I'm now officially 31 years of age. Hubby tells me that this means I am now officially into my thirties. Because the last year of actually BEING 30 apparently means nothing. I just told him he was ancient (he's 33) and left it at that.

So what did I do for my birthday? I worked for a whole hour, hid from the rain, and went to my regular WW meeting. I almost didn't stay for the meeting. 1) I gained weight...which I was kind of expecting because I haven't eaten terribly well this week and I didn't track. At. All. (2) My beloved Tex is away. Her husband had the nerve to surprise her with tickets to fly home which meant she'd be gone today. Humph! I like the other leader well enough, but she's not Tex.

In the end, I ended up staying. I figured it was the smart thing to do seeing as I've gained, lost and regained the same 2.2 kgs for the last freakin' month. If I had left tonight, I would have spent the next week repeating all the mistakes I made this week. So, I stayed. And hey, I learnt something.

So my weight loss still sits at 20 kgs (44 lbs). Which, YAY, is great..but GEEZ! Clearly I need to kick my ass into gear. Turns out there is a Zumba class happening at the local middle school so I think I'll check that out next week. And I'll be back at the gym working my ass off this week in the hopes of shedding at least 2 kgs next week.

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy end of May to you!! What's your plan for June?

Habits & Excuses

2010-05-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

"We never repent of having eaten too little."
~ Thomas Jefferson

Oh how true that is! You're unlikely to hear me saying "Oh gee, I wish I had eaten more today. I just don't feel full enough.". But you will, all to often still, hear me say something along the lines of "Hoooooo I feel full. I wish I hadn't eaten all that".

As with any habit, our eating habits are also hard to break. The things we put on our mouths, the portion sizes, the types of food....it's all got to be looked at under a microscope when we are trying to lose weight and be healthy.

Last week when I weighed in, I stood there full of confidence. I'd just walked 21kms ... of COURSE I was going to lose weight! And yet, when CuteBlonde wrote down my weight, I had gained 1.5kgs (3.3 lbs). For a brief moment I fell back into the habit of old and started to say all the same stuff.

"I just don't understand how that could have happened."

"But I was so good this week!"

"Oh I must be wearing heavier clothes than normal."

Then I snapped back to my new reality and tossed all the excuses out the window because they were all CRAP! Of course I know how that happened! I was NOT good all week! And I weigh in in the same thing every week! The plain and simple truth is that having managed to survive the half marathon, I promptly gave myself a free pass to eat whatever the hell I wanted. I came home and had a HUGE plate of spaghetti, with garlic bread. Then, because it was my mom's birthday, I had chocolate cake and ice cream. And watching tv that night, I sat and ate a giant bag of chips.

But it didn't stop there, folks. Oh no! Somehow I managed to convince myself that the free pass extended all the way to Monday. So I ate ridiculous things in stupid amounts for the next two days.

I also did NO exercise after that day.

When I stepped off the scale that night and someone asked how I did, I told them. "I gained 1.5 kgs and I know EXACTLY why". That was a huge step for me, and it is still hard to do. Admitting my mistakes along the way in this journey has been one of the biggest obstacles, but I think I'm finally getting there.

"If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner"
~ Henry Sambrooke Leigh

So what did I do different this week?

I exercised. I ate smaller portions of better food. I tracked. I forgave myself for abandoning my 7 week challenge (oh yeah....that fell by the wayside...more to come on that later!). And I drank more water. And I exercised some more.

At weigh in on Wednesday, I was down 1.7 kgs (3.74 lbs). That takes care of the previous two weeks of gaining plus another 100g on top. I'm happy.

"Never, never, never, never give up"
~Winston Churchill

One of the lovely ladies that comes to my WW group on Wednesday nights has been a HUGE inspiration to me. J-M is just gorgeous. I've been seeing her come to the group every week and watching her shrink. She's been coming for about a year and a half but when I first met her, I looked at her and thought "well she's lucky, she's not got much to lose". You know what though?

She just reached 50 kgs (110 lbs) lost!!

She looks so amazing. She was a pretty girl when she was big (I've seen the before pic), but she's even prettier now that she's happy with herself. She just shines. And as I said, she's a big inspiration. She has about 12 kgs (26.4 lbs) to go until she reaches goal and I just know she's going to make it. And I know she'll keep it off.

Her husband is amazing too. He comes to meetings with her and listens and supports her. He loved her when she was big, he loves her now that she's thin. He just loves her.

J-M .... you rock girl! I can't wait to give you that standing ovation when you hit your goal..you'll deserve it!

My fearless leader, Tex, is going away this week. She's flying back to the homeland to visit family. I don't know what I'm going to do on Wednesday without her.

Have a good trip Tex! We'll miss you! Make sure you come back!

Just a quickie

2010-05-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

Last week: 600 gram loss

This brought my total loss to 20.5 kgs.

I met all three goals of my challenge.

*****

This week: 100 gram gain.

This took it down to 20.4 kgs. I figure that's about a glass of water.

I met my water and tracking goals but only managed to exercise 3 days this week.

*****

7 Week Challenge: Week 2

2010-04-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

OOPS! I totally forgot to update about Week 2 of The 7 Week Challenge and my weigh in. Let's start with a quote as usual shall we?

Goals are not absolutely necessary to motivate us. They are essential to really keep us alive.
~ Robert H. Schuller

Amen!

If we sit around on our backsides with no goals, no dreams, no hopes - are we really alive or are we just existing? And, if that is what we are doing, how can we hope to STAY alive? We've spent weeks, months, years doing virtually nothing besides shoving food in our faces and no plan to counteract those actions. And that is affecting our health.

Having goals, having strategies, helps us survive. By setting a goal for myself to lose weight and keep losing it, I have put a plan in place to SAVE MY LIFE. How about you?

**********

So how did Week 2 go?

Goal #1 - Work out a minimum of 5 days a week - GOAL MET!

Still the hardest to achieve but I think that is because it is now so deeply ingrained to dislike exercise that I am having a hard time working around that. I'm getting there though. I think the key is to find something I actually enjoy, which I think I have. I actually LIKE going swimming. It's still a good workout but there's no pressure on my joints, which is great. And I'm beginning to enjoy my walks. It gives me time to be in my own head with my own special soundtrack on my iPod....and it burns off stress.

This is what I did this week:

Thursday - 40 minutes swimming (40 lengths) AND 1 hour AquaBlast water aerobics class
Friday - 1.5 hours at gym (3kms on treadmill, 5 kms on bike, weights circuit

Leg Press (62.5 kgs / 137.5 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Lat Pulldown (10 kgs / 22 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Abductor (48 kgs / 105.6 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Chest Press (30 kgs / 66 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Hamstring Curl (42 kgs / 92.4 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Tricep Pushdown (5 kgs / 11 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Shoulder Press (15 kgs / 33 lbs) - 3 sets of 15 reps
Bicep Curl (3 kgs / 6.6 lbs - free weights) - 3 sets of 15 reps

Saturday - 30 minute walk
Sunday - Day off
Monday - 1.5 hours housework at high speed and high intensity. Major sweat!
Tuesday - 45 minute walk
Wednesday - Day off

Goal #2 - Drinking more water - GOAL MET!

This week I was allowed a maximum of 2 glasses of Coke Zero a day and a minimum of 6 glasses of water. It's getting harder! I love my Coke Zero and I find myself wanting to drink it all the time. But the increase in water is helping.

As of Thursday, I am only allowed 1 glass of Coke and my water consumption needs to be upped by one glass a day. I'm totally on it!

Goal #3 - Tracking everything that goes into my mouth - GOAL MET!

Still doing well with this and it's actually really helping to see what good stuff is going into me and what stuff I need to avoid. I even went through the past week and highlighted stuff that wasn't worth it, didn't satisfy me or was a bad choice. Not as many highlighted bits this week as last, so YAY!

Weight Change This Week : - 800 grams (1.76 lbs)

Weight loss total to date: - 19.9 kgs (43.78 lbs)

I was incredibly frustrated with this weight loss...but only because it brought me to just 100 grams shy of the 20kg mark I was aiming for this week. Ah well...next week.

Getting back up.

2010-04-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.
~ Ralph Marston

I saw that quote over at Speaking of Witch and I thought YES! What a perfect quote to relate to the frustration that so many of us feel when we stand on those scales.

As we battle bravely against the bulge, we can sometimes feel like there is never going to be an end. After weeks of losing weight bit by bit, a gain can send us into a total tailspin before we even have the chance to think about what might have caused it. It isn't until much later that we consider the possibility it might be retained water or muscle mass. We are so wrapped up in the misery that comes with gaining that we are sure it is something we did. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't and there really isn't any point in stressing ourselves out about it.

Yet that frustration sits there, simmering away at the surface. That frustration can get in the way of future success. It can make us wonder what the point is in continuing on our journey. It can, for those of us who eat our emotions, cause us to come home and do something silly.

What we forget is that we have done it before. We've had weeks and weeks of relatively consistent losing, so we know how to do it right. We shouldn't let one (or two or three) weeks of staying the same, only losing a small amount or gaining to stop us in our tracks, turn us around and send us back to BlubberVille.

Instead, we should take that frustration and put it to good use.

Last week, I only lost 400 grams (0.88 lbs) at weigh in. (I can feel Tex just itching to smack me for my use of "only lost"...a loss is a loss. ) I was frustrated by that because I'd been eating really well and working my butt off at the gym and pool so to not see that manifest itself on the scale was hard for me. I was a little miffed the whole way through my meeting and all evening. Then the next day, I went and kicked ass at the gym.

Work off the frustration and the stress...put it to good use. I don't know about you, but I work harder when I'm trying to burn off stress.

Another thing for you to try, and I'm going to tie this in with a brag, is to Take. Your. Measurements!!! And take progress pics.

Check this out.....I finally got around to taking another progress pic and doing my measurements. I've lost a significant amount of inches, especially off my waist and hips. My arms are looking (and feeling) more toned. And when I look at these pictures, I can see the difference in my neck and face. I'm even beginning to see some definition in my ankles!! Say goodbye to the cankles.

Do it. Trust me, it's worth it!

Click on the pic to see it in all it's ~~gory~~ glorious detail.

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up.
~ Vince Lombardi

Breaking it down.....

2010-04-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

If you want to reach a goal, you must "see the reaching" in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.
~ Zig Ziglar

Ahhhh goals, you gotta love them. Setting mini ones can help you along the road to the main event and help stave off some of that annoyance of how long the journey is taking. That is, in large part, why I set myself the 7 week challenge after seeing the idea on Prior Fat Girl's blog. And you know what? It's helping. Knowing that I have all these mini goals to achieve every week gives me something smaller to work towards. It's a lot less daunting than when I think about the fact that my MAIN goal is still 60kgs away.

So how did this past week go? Let's have a look shall we?

Goal #1 - Work out a minimum of 5 days a week - GOAL MET!

Of the three mini goals that I set myself, this was the hardest. That surprised me, but I did it!!

Thursday - 45 minutes swimming (50 lengths)
Friday - Day off
Saturday - 30 minute walk
Sunday - 45 minutes swimming (50 lengths)
Monday - 1 km on treadmill & 8.4 kms on bike
Tuesday - 1.5 kms on treadmill & 8.5 kms on bike
Wednesday - Day off

I think that going forward I will use Wednesday as a definite day off, because it's hard to fit my meeting AND a workout in that day.

Goal #2 - Drinking more water - GOAL MET!

This week I was allowed a maximum of 3 glasses of Coke Zero (my precious) a day and a minimum of 5 glasses of water. I actually had a few days where I only had two glasses of coke. It turns out that the more water I drink, the less I crave the Coke. Go figure!

As of today, I am only allowed 2 glasses of Coke and my water consumption needs to be upped by one glass a day. I can do this. Right? Right.

Goal #3 - Tracking everything that goes into my mouth - GOAL MET!

I carried that notebook everywhere. It was in my purse, on my dining room table, in my kitchen. I felt a bit like a tool but it really worked. I tracked every single morsel of food and drink that went into my mouth. And I will continue to do so.

Having to track everything has also helped me in my planning. Menu planning has become and essential part of my life and being able to track it ahead of time is awesome.

Weight Change This Week : - 400 grams (0.88 lbs)

And there you have it folks. Week 1 of the challenge is over and I'm feeling good about it all. I'll have a post up in a couple days about frustration and how to deal with it in a new way, so be sure to check back. In the meantime, I leave you with this other quote.....

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Author Unknown

It's the little things

2010-04-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

One joy scatters a hundred griefs. ~Chinese Proverb

I had the best day today! In fact, I'm having a fantastic week! My challenge is going really well so far, but I'll update that on Wednesday after weigh in. What's really fantastic is that my little sister (almost 20 years old and model thin & gorgeous) is here visiting for a few days from University. It's so awesome having her home.

Today, I had grand plans of walking up into the Wither Hills again today and taking the kids so that I couldn't back out. Turns out, they didn't want to go. So then I decided we'd walk about 1.5kms down the road to play in the park and get a treat at the bakery (for the kids! I didn't think I'd have points worth using on anything there!). But little sister didn't want to walk that far.

Sigh.

We ended up at the gym later in the afternoon, so it's all good.

But that's not the source of my happiness!

Did you read that quote at the top of the page about happiness scattering grief? It's absolutely true. I had SO much fun at the park with the kids. We played, we talked, and we had a great time. And I got to do this:

Picture from Free-Extras

Yup. I got to swing. And swing and swing and swing.

It has been a LOT of years since I was able to sit comfortably in a swing and just go. And it was one of the most freeing things. It really helped hit home just how far I've come.

It was AWESOME!!!

I squealed, loudly, in delight and didn't care who heard me. I was having such a good time, swinging back and forth with my 7 1/2 year old daughter and my little sister on the other two swings while my son and watched us with a big smile on his face as he listened to his mother squeal like a little girl.

And you know what? It made every bad thing that has happened in the last few days, every difficult moment I've had with this journey, just fade away. Gone.

What little things have you enjoyed lately that tie into your journey?

BMI Frustration

2010-04-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

This morning marked the beginning of my self imposed challenge. I have myself all sorted. But never mind that for now..... I'd like you all to pause for a minute and picture me doing my happy dance again. Ok, now stop...don't want you all to get too excited.

Weigh in was last night and after the not so stellar week I'd had with Easter and just sheer laziness, I was expecting a gain. Another one. Not so! I was very happy to see her right down a loss of

2.6 kgs (5.72 lbs)

That means not only did I lose the 1.2 kgs (2.64 lbs) from last week AND the 500 grams (1.1 lbs) from the week before .... but I lost another 900 grams (1.98 lbs) on top of it!! WOO!

This also puts me into a new set of numbers and means I have to readjust my points allowance. My new weight is 139.9 (307.78 lbs). I'm also not working much at the moment (ok, not at all), so I'm not running around as much. So I THINK my new points allowance per day is 26. Yikes! Considering I started this whole thing with an allowance of 30 points per day, it's going down pretty fast. Ah well.

Last night at our meeting, Tex was talking about BMI and it's effect on our health in general. Now personally, I think the whole BMI measurement thing is evil, but I'll talk more about that in a bit. For now, the World Health Organization deems BMI the best judge of how healthy someone is where their weight is concerned. They reckon that the lower your BMI, the less chance you have of getting all sorts of diseases. They're right, of course. If you're overweight, you're at risk. If you're obese, you're even more at risk. If you're morbidly obese....well, there's a reason that word "morbidly" is in there.

There's a fancy schmansy formula to work out your BMI:

BMI (kg/m2) = weight (kgs) divided by height (m)2

But personally I'm happy using one of the tools on the net. THIS ONE from the Healthy Food Guide NZ is quite good, if you ignore the fact that it's mean and called me all sorts of nasty names before running away in fear.

For example...back in November when I started this journey, my BMI was 50.6

Considering that a "normal" BMI range is between 20 and 25, that's pretty damn shocking don't you think?

Now, 5 months into this long and arduous journey? My BMI sits at 44.15

Still shocking, and still Morbidly Obese (oh how I hate those words), but at least it has dropped.

**********

Here's my issue with BMI though. It sucks. I'd like to invite you to check out a video put together by Kate Harding from Shapely Prose (awesome site by the way...truly awesome). It shows a whole range of women from underweight to morbidly obese. Some of those women you would see on the street and think she looked perfectly "normal". But on the BMI scale, she might be considered obese. Or even underweight.

Click HERE for the BMI Project video

It's a flawed system, plain and simple. Unfortunately, as Tex pointed out to us last night, it is what the WHO still uses to judge our health and our risks for disease.

As for me...I prefer to keep an eye on the scale and how my body looks. Obviously right now, it's not looking fantastic...but it's getting there. I'm working hard to make it that way. I'm keeping an eye on my measurements.

By the time I get to goal, my BMI will be JUST in the "normal" range. Just.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get that it is still the standard system of measurement, but I don't have to like it. Weight Watchers or not.

A Plan!! A Challenge! A...potentially awesome 7 weeks?

2010-04-05T02:53:00.000-07:00

Every week at our Weight Watchers meeting I sit and listen to our leader, Tex (name changed to protect her privacy, til I hear otherwise), talk about that week's topic. In the past, most of the topics that the WW powers that be deem worthy of talking about have bored me to tears. It seems to be different this time around though. I know that part of it is that my head is in the right place and I'm more willing to actually take in the information. The other part of it is that Tex - a petite little fireball from Texas (didn't see that one coming did you?) with the enthusiasm of 10 people - makes it FUN! She doesn't just stand at the front of the room and drone on at all the gals and hope that someone is listening. She engages us. She encourages us. She supports us. But more importantly, she reminds us that she hasn't always been the petite woman we see every week. She has also been heavy.

At the end of every meeting, Tex asks us what we're going to do that week to make sure we succeed at the scales.....in our journey. And every time, she gets the same old stock answers fired back at her:

Tracking our food

Exercise

Drink water

I can't help but feel like we're letting her down. Why don't we flesh those things out and actually come up with a plan? An honest to goodness PLAN!!

So, that's what I'm doing. Right here, right now. The inspiration for mine came from a challenge that I saw today on the blog the Prior Fat Girl. She discovered she'd gained 13 lbs (about 6 kgs) and wanted to do something about that. So she came up with the 10+3 Action Plan. They're already 3 weeks into that challenge so I'm putting my own twist on it and setting up my own, slightly shorter, timeline. I invite you all, whoever might be out there reading, to join me. Come up with your own plan.

The general goals of PFG's action plan were much like the stock answers we come up with at our meetings.

Workout regularly (she had 5 days a week)

Journal food

Drink water

And that's fine. But to make it a successful plan, you have to put yourself into it like she did. So here's mine

GOAL #1

Working out a minimum of 5 days a week - I don't want to corner myself and say that I will be working out for 90 minutes a day on each of those days but I will say that I will do a minimum of 30 to 60 minutes a day. These exercises will include such pleasures (*snort*) as:

swimming

walking (I do have that Half Marathon I'm meant to be training for!)

gym circuits (weights & cardio)

Wii Fit & Wii Biggest Loser (Bob's a jerk!)

I've already mentioned that when I exercise I feel better mentally, so maybe this will be beneficial for my husband and kids too? Happy Mommy = Less Yelling...right?

GOAL #2

Drinking MORE Water - I had this grand idea at one point, that lasted all of twelve seconds, that I would cut out ALL the Diet Coke I was drinking and only drink water. Cold turkey. Moron. I very quickly managed to develop a massive caffeine withdrawal headache which in turn made me guzzle a ton of Diet Coke to make it go away. I'm still drinking it. Actually I'm drinking Coke Zero because, y'know, it's soooo much better for you.

Then I came up with the idea that I would drink one bottle of water for every glass of Coke that I was drinking. Um. Yeah. Well, I peed a lot.

So what's the grand plan now? I don't really know. I do know that I need to cut out the Coke, but I can't do the cold turkey thing again. So how about this for now:

Week 1 - Maximum of 3 glasses of Coke Zero per day. Minimum of 5 glasses of water.

Week 2 - Maximum of 2 glasses of Coke Zero per day. Minimum of 6 glasses of water.

Week 3 - Maximum of 1 glass of Coke Zero per day. Minimum of 7 glasses of water.

Week 4 - No more Coke Zero. Minimum of 8 glasses of water.

This is to be tracked on fridge chart.

Totally doable right? Mmmm. We'll see.

GOAL #3

Keep a journal of ALL food (and drink) that goes into my mouth - I have been so incredibly slack in this department lately. I keep telling myself that I've been keeping track in my head, but then I remember that well there was that mint earlier and the latte...did I account for those? Probably not.

I have purchased a lovely spiral notebook where I will write down everything that I eat. It will fit in my purse and even coordinates well with my WW points calculator. A lot of the time I can plan ahead because I menu plan for evening meals, and I tend to eat the same thing for breakfast & lunch 99% of the time. MUST STAY WITHIN POINTS - My first mini goal (sub-goal?) for this challenge is to not exceed my daily points at all. DO NOT EAT EXERCISE POINTS - I've always been good about this but my second mini goal is to not use any of the points I earn doing exercise.

**********

TIME FRAME

Today is Monday, April 5th. My regular day for weighing in at Weight Watchers is Wednesday.

So this challenge will, for me, run from the morning of Thursday, April 8th til the evening of Wednesday, May 26th. That's 7 weeks. It also means I'm ending on my 31st birthday. Hopefully there'll be a good result!

UPDATES

I will continue to post on Wednesday evenings with updates on my weight but I will try to flesh them out with updates about how I'm meeting these goals too.

SCALE VS NON SCALE VICTORIES

It is always important to remember that even though the numbers on the scales aren't going the way you want them to, or going fast enough, that there are other victories. Because of this, I will take my measurements on Thursday morning when I start this. I will then take them half way through and again at the end. Let's see how much of a difference these 7 weeks can make!

WHAT ABOUT THE END?

So what do I get at the end of this? Is there a challenge reward?

Well, I'd like to think that there will be a really cool number on the scales that will make me jump for joy. That will be reward enough. Beyond that....I don't know. Maybe I'll buy myself some lowlights for my hair or something.

And then....I'll start a new challenge for myself!

Giving it a little umph!

2010-04-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!
~ Marvin Phillips

You know those days when you just feel blah, when you don't care about anything, when you just don't feel like doing anything? Those are the days when going for a walk or to the gym are the last things on your mind. Unfortunately if you have too many of those days in row, they tend to snowball into this big thing called a week. I know! Shocker right?

This is exactly what I did the last couple of weeks. I had one whole week where, other than my normal bimbling around during the day, I pretty much sat on my backside. I wasn't working, I wasn't getting out for exercise. I sat and played on the computer or read my book or had a not at all deserved Nanna Nap. The next week, I only went swimming twice. And I didn't put as much effort into the swim as I normally do. I had been swimming 80 lengths every day and working hard at every single one of those lengths. But not last week! Oh no, I just kind of drifted along in the water.

The result? Two weeks of gains. I gained 500 grams the first week and just brushed it off with a shrug. That right there was my first mistake. Shrugging it off instead of taking it as the warning it should have been. This week, I had a gain of 1.2 kgs. I stood there at the scale and tried to laugh it off, tried to say it was because I was wearing my jeans instead of my normal light weight pants, when in actual fact all I wanted to do was scream.

I'd love to say that there was stuff getting in the way of my exercise time. I wish I could say that I'd been the model of restraint as far as eating is concerned, but it wouldn't be true. That's not to say I was eating everything in sight, I even stayed within my points every day. But there probably should have been more fruit & veg.

The big thing is the exercise though.

The higher your energy level, the more efficient your body. The more efficient your body, the better you feel and the more you will use your talent to produce outstanding results.
~ Anthony Robbins

Ok, so I'm not the biggest fan of Tony Robbins (I think he's a bit of a loud mouth schmuck) but in this case he has a point. We've all heard it before but for many of us, myself included, it goes in one ear and out the other. I even PROVED his point these past couple of weeks and I still went "Huh!" when I read that quote.

When I exercise regularly I am less inclined to scream at my children like I'm some depraved escapee from the local asylum. The endorphins that the workouts produce keep me going til bed time when I collapse in exhaustion.

When I get my butt out the door for a walk, I take my iPod and tune into my own little world. I will walk in just about any weather (though I'm not partial to the hot sun), and even the rain doesn't faze me. By the time I get home, I've had enough time immersed in my own thoughts to sort out any problems and to walk away any stress that I was carrying around.

More than anything, when I exercise regularly, I feel better! I don't GET those blahs that I was talking about earlier. My body feels better, my brain feels better.....my SOUL feels better. My kids notice that I am nicer to them, my husband realizes that he hasn't been yelled at that day. Sad, but true.

So what do you do if you had a few days or weeks where, like me, you had the blahs and didn't do anything.....and ended up gaining?

You get back on the proverbial horse and gallop off into the sunset!!

I know, easy for me to say from behind the keyboard right? Well let me tell you folks, I walked up a big ass hill AGAIN yesterday morning. The kids' school was doing it for the end of term and off I went. I rivaled the colour of a tomato by the time I got to the top, but I did it.

Today, I'm going for a swim. Tomorrow, I'll walk.

Giddy-up pony!

So what are YOU doing to add a little UMPH?

Support

2010-03-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest obstacles that people face on this journey of weight loss is finding a support system. Sure, one could argue that food choices and healthy exercise are the big ones and I'm sure they are, but I firmly believe that without a good support system you won't get anywhere. It all ties together, you see.

For someone who is going it alone, not discussing their path with anyone, holding in all the feelings that come part and parcel with this adventure, it can be very difficult. When that person comes up against a difficult menu choice in a restaurant, how do they make the right choice without input (previous or at the moment) from other people. When the numbers on the scale plateau and they're confused as to why, how do they wrestle with those internal demons that sit in their overstuffed armchairs, eating chocolate and saying "See? It's not working. You might as well QUIT!" Or when, heaven forbid, the numbers on the scale go UP, how do they silence those same demons that are saying "Gawd, you can't do anything right. You're supposed to be losing weight, fatty. Just go cry into your pillow and eat a chocolate bar." There's no one around to offer encouragement or advice. There's no one to suggest that maybe taking their measurements would be a good step now because that gain might actually be muscle. It can be difficult for these people to travel the road in secret, knowing that it's all on them to succeed. I know, I've been there. And each and every time, I failed.

But! If you are one of the lucky people like me, who has finally seen the proverbial light, and you have a support system in place then you should consider yourself very blessed.

As I said, I've played this gig before. I've been there, done that, bought the freakin' T-Shirt. I did it alone. I didn't tell my friends what I was trying to do. I didn't tell my husband what weight I was or even where I was trying to get to. If someone offered me chocolate or chips it wasn't because they were trying to sabotage my journey, it was because they didn't know any better. When I accepted, it was because it would have been to embarrassing to admit what I was doing. Or so I thought.

So what do I think now?

I think I was stupid. And untrusting. And reckless.

I was stupid to think that I could do it on my own. I may be outspoken, but I am not very strong in this department. I NEED my support system.

I was untrusting because in the past when I'd discussed it with a "friend" I had said that I remembered the first times when my mother told me I was getting fat. My "friend" said "And just look at you now!" and dissolved into laughter. That hurt. And it prevented me from opening up about my problems with my weight to anyone else.

I was untrusting because I was having problems in my marriage, whether I wanted to admit it or not, and I was scared. I knew that my husband wasn't partial to twigs. I knew he preferred a girl with some meat on her. I knew he thought I was beautiful (even at 340 lbs!!). I was scared and untrusting because I thought that if I lost the weight that he wouldn't think I was beautiful anymore, that he wouldn't want me.

I was reckless. Horribly reckless. I have two small children who depend on having their mother around to love them, care for them, shape them into the people they will be as they grow. They needed me to be there for them on graduation and wedding days. They needed me to be able to just run in the park with them and play, instead of sitting on a bench watching them because running with them might make me collapse in a wheezing heap.

I was reckless because instead of remembering all that and doing something about my weight problem, I ignored it (and other health issues), and kept stuffing my face with crap. I didn't care that to carry on doing that might kill me and leave my children without a mother.

Reckless. Stupid. Untrusting.

Those are three words that are no longer part of my vocabulary. I can't afford for them to be. If I let them back into my life, they will kill me. If I let them have power over me, they will win and it will all be for naught.

But what has changed?

Well, my location did for a start. Our move to New Zealand was a catalyst for change in many many areas of my life. This country is healthier to begin with. Sports and healthy activities abound! Hiking, swimming, rugby, netball, cricket, triathlons....it's all there to take part in and enjoy. Hard to when you're seriously overweight though.

My mind set changed. My husband and I had reached (and stayed at) a better place in our marriage, I realised I NEEDED to be here for my children, and I finally got the fact that the only person holding me back was me. We are our own worst enemies.

So in November, I started going to Weight Watchers. Even if I had told no one else what I was doing, that was the beginning of a support system right there. The women at this meeting only see me once a week, but every week they ask how I'm doing and offer encouragement or advice as needed.

I put my trust in my spouse and told him what I needed from him, what I was hoping to acheive and how I was hoping to do it. I told my children how they could help. I told my mother and sister what I was doing. I opened up to people and allowed them to help in the ways that they could. My husband even knows how much I weighed when I started, the heaviest I've ever been, and all he did was hug me and tell me I could do it. That was a huge burden off my shoulders.

As important as all that was, one of the biggest things for me was letting go of the shame and switching it for something else. I took my shame and buried it in a box. And then I held onto the pride. Pride that I am doing something for myself. Pride that I am getting healthier.

And then I opened myself up even further.

I came back here and started blogging very honestly about this journey. All of you who come here and read my ramblings support me. You push me on, you give me the courage to keep going every week. Every day. Every hour.

I talk about it on Facebook where everyone can see. People who are in my life now, people from my past. My first love, the "cool" kids from high school, my family and friends from over the years. Everyone has been very supportive and it keeps me pushing on.

Go back to the beginning and read that paragraph about the person who has talked about this with no one. Imagine how difficult that must be. Now think about someone in your life who may be on their own journey to health and think about ways you can support them. Most of us can't do this on our own and it's important to know that the people in our lives will be there without judgment.

I am thankful each and every day for the people in my life who are my support system. My life line.

Thank you!

Happy dances might make you look funny, but they're still fun to do.

2010-03-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Last week's gain kind of threw me off. It was hard for me to stay on track in my head, but I did it. I swam every day except Sunday this week. 80 lengths a day. 2kms. Hard work but I'm LOVING it. I love getting in that pool and just swimming up and down, over and over again. I get in the water with the intention of working out, but it ends up being much more than that. I'm in my own head, thinking things over, tossing them about, making decisions. It's very therapeutic. And stress relieving.

If you had asked me back in November if there was an exercise I enjoyed, really and truly enjoyed, I would have said no. Sure, I didn't mind walking (as long as I had my iPod), but swimming is awesome.

The weightlessness of being in the water, the resistance of the water against the limbs, the way the water drowns out all the noise.......it's awesome.

So I've been going every day. And I seem to have gained a reputation. I was at the pool today and a woman in the next lane looked at me and asked "Are you Canadian by any chance?". How she figured that out by standing and looking at a fat chick in a bathing suit and goggles is beyond me, but I answered "yes". She carried on... "And are you the one who has been swimming 80 lengths a day?". "Um. Yes?", I say. She says "Wow! Good for you! That's awesome." and then swims off.

Weird.

**********

I weighed in last night. I'm not sure why, but before I went I had this horrible feeling that I had put on weight. I guess last week's weigh in threw me more than I had realised in that respect.

But...success! I lost 1.4 kgs this week. That brings my total for 17 weeks to 17.8kgs (39.16 lbs).

**********

Do you have a happy dance that you perform, whether people are watching or not, when you do something awesome? I do. It's not pretty, it's kind of funny looking actually, but it's fun.

I got to do my happy dance on Tuesday.

The town where I live is surrounded by beautiful hills. People walk and run these hills all the time. I, on the other hand, have stayed comfortably at the bottom and admired their beauty and scoffed at the insanity of the people who choose to use them for exercise. And then my friend Crumpet told me she was walking them. It was like a challenge had been thrown down. If she could do it, why couldn't I? Well the answer to that is that she's lighter and fitter than I am...but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I asked her to take me up the hill.

This hill is called the Gentle Annie. The path that goes up one side is a zig zag path (which apparently is why it's called Gentle Annie..something to do with a washing machine?) and gives the illusion of being easier to go up than the side that is just one long straight path. Gentle, my arse.

I thought for sure I would be super slow. I thought for sure that I would have to stop about 20 times to catch my breath.

I was wrong.

I made it up pretty quickly and only had to stop a few times to catch my breath and have a drink of water. And when I got to the lookout at the top? I did my happy dance. I wish I'd had a camera to take up with me. It was gorgeous up there, and not just because I made it up there without dying.

This was a huge achievement for me, and one I plan to repeat.

**********

I am putting together a list of things I want to do at various points in this weightloss journey .... and for final rewards, I'll talk more about that later this week.

Looking for other things......

2010-03-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Over the last 16 weeks (wow...that's 4 months! I can't believe I've doing it for that long!), I have been told many, many times not to depend on the numbers the scales are showing me but to also keep track of my measurements. Each time someone has told me this, I've plastered the smile on my face and said "yes, I know. Thank you." and moved on, or if it was on Facebook I have plastered a :) in the comment box and said "Yup. I know. Cheers." and then logged off in frustration.

I get it. I know. Track my measurements. I've done this before.

I don't mean to sound like a totally ungrateful bitch for not accepting the advice or sounding bitter about it after the fact. And yet that's exactly what I do sound like. Right? Right. It's just that when you've already heard it from a gajillion people, that next one can be a bit grating on the nerves.

So why is this coming to the surface now? After 4 months of travelling this exceedingly long road?

Because I weighed in last night.

After a week of working my arse off at the pool, swimming more and more and more lengths every day, of sweating buckets and taking myself to the edge of exhaustion (ok not quite, but close), I managed to GAIN WEIGHT. When I saw the staff member write down my weight, I had an overwhelming urge to pick up the scale and shove it down her throat, all while I called her a lying bitch for fabricating such a horrible lie.

From that statement alone, you'd think that I gained upwards of 2 kgs or something wouldn't you?

I gained 200 grams. That's a whole 0.44 lbs for you metrically challenged folks out there.

200. GRAMS.

I can't decide if I'm pissed off because I gained or pissed off because if I was going to gain, there's a twisted part of me that thinks I should have done it with style and gained at least a kilo. It may very well be a combo of the two.

Of course, I talked about my gain on Facebook and with friends in real life and that's where my "remember to track your measurements" frustration came in. Don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY appreciate the support and the fact that people ARE reminding me of that. I think it bothered me that I hadn't thought to look at that myself. If you are one of the people who has said it to me, please don't hesitate to say it again.....I NEED the reminder, even if makes me bitchy.

So, having had about 20 people tell me that, I'll be taking my measurements tomorrow. It's been awhile. It'll be interesting to see what, if any, difference there is since the last time. I can already tell you one thing......

I went bra shopping today. This is a scary prospect for many women, but has been especially mortifying for me lately. My bras have been getting older, more full of holes (yes really. And no, it does NOT add to the sex appeal apparently), less supportive...and I've been just trudging along because the last time I went bra shopping I could not even fit the biggest size on the rack. I couldn't get it done up around my back (ok, I COULD..but not comfortably) and my bosoms were spilling out of the cups. HOT. Totally hot.

Today? I pulled the second biggest (!!) off the rack and tried it on. A 24E (46E). I just about died! Not only did it go on, but did so comfortably. And my friend's Bill & Ben (the friends to all men) fit nicely in the cups. I squealed. Out loud. For the entire store to hear. Then I pulled two more bras off the rack (they were on sale...$15 each!) and ran for the till. I had a huge smile on my face and the woman looked a bit tentative about serving me. I told her this was the highlight of my week and why. She chilled a bit. Phew!

DUDE! My boobs are up near my chin instead of doing the polka down near my waist. Sure, they'll still do their dash for cover in my armpits when I lay down, but short of wearing my bra to bed (nuh-uh), I'll just have to deal.

So.

1) Ignore scale. Take measurements.

2) Squeeee with delight at small accomplishments like this.

3) Appreciate the support and don't bite the head off anyone who says to "ignore the scale, watch the inches".

Thank you ALL for the support you've given. I really DO appreciate it.

Now, back to the grind. More swimming tomorrow. Aiming for my 2kms again :)

Success is sweet!

2010-03-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Don't worry, I didn't fall off the weight loss wagon and get all embarrassed and think I couldn't come back. It's just that someone stole my blogging mojo. But I seem to have recovered and I'm here to tell you all how I've been doing.

So let's see.

Remember my last post where I said I'd had one of those "I don't give a crap" weeks and that I was going to get back on track ? Um. Yeah. I followed that week up with a week of "I really really don't care, you can't make me care and ain't nothing gonna change that". And you know what happened? I had my first gain in 12 weeks.

I gained 500g (1.1 lbs). I started off saying that is was ONLY a small gain. I'd ONLY gained that much and it wouldn't take much to get that much off because it was ONLY 500 g. Well, then it hit me...sure, it might be a relatively small amount, but isn't that what I've been telling myself all these years? "Oh. I gained 3 lbs this week. Oh well, it's ONLY 3lbs." And then 1 year later I've gained 100 lbs.

Needless to say, the next week I was back on track. For real.

Week 13 : - 1.8 kgs (3.96 lbs)
Week 14 : - 700 g (1.54 lbs)

That weigh in on Week 14 was the one that was meant to take me to my 10%. I was 100 g short. I cried. Right then and there in the Weight Watcher's meeting, I cried. Not big tears, but just gentle tears rolling down my cheeks. I did the hard crying when I got home. I'd been SO looking forward to that 10% and it broke my heart to be so close, but not close enough.

This past week? Week 15. I stepped onto those scales and all I could think was that if I didn't get my 10% this time, I was going to scream. Not to worry though. I lost 900 grams (1.98 lbs). That took me PAST my 10%. I jumped for joy. Literally.

My current total for weight lost in 15 weeks is (drum roll please!) 16.6 kgs (36.52 lbs) .... so happy! And for a reward I got this cool key ring...

It's a 10. See? It's very cool and it's on my key ring as a constant reminder of how far I've come.

So what have I been doing? Well other than tracking what I eat and drinking more water, I've been swimming. A LOT. I started off swimming 40 lengths (1 km) with fins. I'm now down to 30 lengths with fins, 15 without and 15 jogging in the water. I'm also still walking and occasionally going to the gym for weights.

For those of you out there who are on your own journey....all I can see is KEEP GOING. I'll be weighing in again tomorrow night, the end of Week 16. There is still a long long way to go, but I know I'll get there. Keep going.

Here's to being able to remember the sweetness.

2010-02-03T00:07:00.000-08:00

Thomas Fuller once said:

That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember.

He was so right.

As I stood on the scales at Weight Watchers tonight and watched the staff member write down my numbers, emotions wrestled in my head. If you were listening closely you may have heard the scream of frustration as I watched her write down a number that was not at all what I was hoping for. You have felt a slight breeze (and smelled a hint of garlic...sorry about that) as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that the number was not higher than last week's. The ground may have shaken a tad as I stomped my foot before kicking myself in the ass for not caring enough this week.

You see, I had a week of "I don't give a crap". That's not to say that I ate bags of chips and gorged on chocolate. I didn't, though I was tempted. I ate good foods but I ate too much of them. Instead of a proper portion of spaghetti, I had one almost the same size as my husband had. One sandwich? Nah. I'll have two. Filled with veggies of course.

I didn't drink more than a couple of bottles of water all week and only went for a couple of walks. I drank far too much Coke and generally sat on my ass.

All this is why, when I weighed in tonight, I discovered I'd only lost 100 grams (0.22 lbs). Yup, that's what I said too.

Which brings me back to Mr. Fuller's quote up there.

This whole journey of losing weight that so many of us are on is a rather bitter one. We have spent weeks, months, years, sometimes even decades piling this weight on and chances are that, in some small way at least, we had fun doing it. Cake, booze, chocolate, chips, popcorn and more. It's all delicious, it's all available and it's now sitting on our hips in the form of lumps and bumps and cottage cheese cellulite.

Some of us look back and wonder what the hell we were doing. Others choose not to dwell on the past and just look forward.

Me? I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I recently said that one of my new life mottoes was "No regrets". This is somewhat harder to employ when it comes to my weight, but I'm working on it.

This road that I'm traveling right now IS a bitter one. Every week when I step on those scales I'm hoping and praying that the number will be lower than the week before. Even just 100 grams. It's bitter knowing that the weight went on so quickly and so easily but it's going to take over a year (at least) to lose it all.

So why do it? Quite aside from the health issue and the desire to look smoking hot for my gorgeous husband, I need to do this. For me. For my mental health. I need to do it so that I can live past 50.

And when I'm done, I'll look great. I'll feel great. I will BE great!

And then I can look back on this adventure and think "That was SWEET".

That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember.

Signs that it might actually be working

2010-01-27T15:29:00.000-08:00

For those of us who are traveling the long road of weight loss, the journey can often remind us of a long road trip in a compact car with three children under the age of five. There are funny, inspiring, frustrating, sad, happy, and tear your hair out moments. Inevitably we swing from being all gung-ho about it to wanting to just crawl in a hole and vow that we don't care how fat we are.

The fact is, we DO care. If we didn't care, we wouldn't have started in the first place. The reasons why we care, and why we started, vary but they all have meaning to us:

sick of feeling unhealthy / our health is in jeopardy
tired of feeling unattractive
the comments from other people have finally hurt us to the core for the last time
we don't want our kids to have "the fat mom"
we don't want our husbands to have "the fat wife"
we want to go clothes shopping and enjoy it

....and so many more!

So we start on our journey, we work our asses off and we lose weight. We step on those scales with some regularity and it makes us happy to see the losses. But what happens when we don't lose ANY weight one week? Or worse yet, when we gain?

We get discouraged. And that can derail the entire thing. That discouragement can lead to weeks and weeks of more gains and more discouragement. What many of us fail to take into account is that as we exercise and lose weight, we're actually gaining muscle...which weighs more. And we're losing inches. While standing on that scale is great, we also need to keep any eye on the inches lost, as well as other signs.

I've been lucky that in the last 9 weeks, I haven't had any gains. I've had a couple weeks where my losses were small losses, but I've not had any gains...knock on wood. But I've still experienced the discouragement and have had to look for other signs that it's working, signs that something is happening.

Some of these might seem silly or odd, but trust me, they gave that "YES!" feeling when I realised them:

- My wedding ring is now lose on my finger

- My pants are all too big

- I used to have to sit on my bed, turn, put my leg up, and then put my sock on. Turn and repeat on other side. All because I couldn't bend and do it, because my tummy got in the way. Now I can just bend and do it.

- When out in the car, if I wanted to pop the trunk on the car, I had to take off my seatbelt, open the door a little bit, then lean over and down to pull the lever. The other day, hubby asked me to pop the trunk and I just reached down and did it. Then I just started grinning. I hadn't had to undo my seatbelt or open the door. I just did it. AWESOME!

- Walking across the road towards a shop window, I could see a reflection of a woman. It wasn't until I got closer that I realised "Hey! That's ME!". I was so used to seeing so much more of me that it threw me to see that reflection.

- My knees and ankles don't hurt as much when I walk.

- I don't lumber/waddle as badly when I walk now. I'm actually walking almost normally!

- I can't eat as much as I used to. I'm fuller much sooner. That means my stomach is shrinking to a more normal size.

Much of that might seem trivial to those of you who were smaller to begin with, or those who've never struggled with their weight but to me, it's huge.

I weighed in at Weight Watchers last night. I lost 1.5 kgs this week. That's 3.3 lbs.

That means in 10 weeks (I said 9 weeks on Facebook, I miscounted. Oops!), my total loss is now at:

13.6 kgs / 29.92 lbs

That is so cool. What is AMAZING to me is that I am lighter now than I have been in almost FOUR years!!! Amazing.

What are YOUR signs that your efforts in your weight loss journey have been working?

How do you stop the cycle?

2010-01-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been rather interesting. I can feel my will power, my strength, my conviction, my....OOMPH...slipping away. And I don't want to lose that. I've come so far in such a short time and I think it's like my brain sits there in all it's greyness and says "well, that's me done then". It's crap! WHY would I turn around and UNdo everything I've managed in the last 9 weeks? WHY??!

Last week I made some rather disappointing choices. I didn't exercise anywhere near as much as I should have and I ate more than I should have. I think, if you were to average it out over the week, I still came in under my points total for the WEEK. But the key is stick to the DAILY total. Otherwise, I'm just sabotaging myself. I didn't do as much walking as I normally do. On Tuesday last week, I had bought myself a new pair of walking shoes and thought it would be smart to wear them out. Break them in. You know the drill. So I did. I walked 8kms. It took me 1 hour and 20 minutes. And at the end, I was sporting some rather attractive blisters.

However, that walk saved me at weigh in last week for that 300 gram loss.

This week, I made slightly better choices as far as food in concerned, but other than a couple of small workouts on the Wii, I've not done much. But I lost 1 kg at weigh in this week. Imagine what I could have lost if I'd actually done something!

It got me to thinking over the last couple of weeks though. The choices we make have a cascade effect don't they? Just think about it. Heather, my WW leader, asked us last night "Why do we eat?". The list that we all came up with included:

boredom
emotions
hunger
tiredness
been drinking
everyone else is
party

There was more, but those are a few. Now, I long ago identified myself as an emotional eater and a boredom eater, so I'm going to go with those ones.

When I'm "bored" (Oh how I'm beginning to loathe that word), I look for something to do with my hands and in the past, more often than not, I would end up with food. Pick up food, bring hand to mouth, pick up more food....it kept my hands busy. It was for that exact reason that I got my lovely friend Allie to teach me to knit. In the first few weeks of me knitting, I lost 18 lbs!! Of course, I put it all back on not long after when I temporarily lost interest in knitting, but you get the point.

So. I ate when I was "bored". Which would put on the weight. Which would in turn make me emotional. Which would mean I went to the kitchen to find something in which to drown my emotions. Which would put on more weight, which would mean I didn't go many places (for a multitude of reasons), which meant I was at home...."bored"...and eating. Round and round and round we go...where we stop, nobody knows.

I remember hearing Oprah once say that while other people were addicted to cigarettes, booze and drugs, she was addicted to food. I thought she was full of crap. I really did. But then I thought about it. There is usually an underlying reason for people's addictions to things, or why they use those things. I've seen so many people in stressful situations saying "I need a smoke". Or drinking to escape the realities of their lives. Isn't that what many of us have done with food? Oh I'm sad, therefore I'm going to eat a gallon of ice cream. Woot, happy day! Let's have some cake. My boyfriend is such an ass, I'm so mad, I'm going to eat this burger.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we, like the addicts that we look down our noses at, not find a different way to deal with these things? Imagine how much healthier and thinner we would be if we went for a walk to burn off the stress instead of stuffing our faces. Heck, take up kick boxing and pretend it's the ex boyfriend's face on the punching bag. Stress relief and exercise all rolled into one right?

We need to stop the cascade. We need to stop the cycle. We need to stop being a slave to food.

Even now, doing Weight Watchers, I still feel like a slave to food...just in a slightly better way. I still feel that way because I'm having to track everything that I eat. I have to account for every single morsel that makes its way to my mouth. So I still feel like food is ruling my life. And it is very likely that I will feel that way for the rest of my life. I hope not, but it's possible.

So what are YOU doing to stop the cycle? How do you deal with stress so that you don't eat? How do you gather the motivation to exercise on those days when all you want to do is curl up and go to sleep?

*~*~*~*

You can also find me over at Mind of a Mad Woman..doing my normal "Lose It Bitch" update for the week. And the post below that will make you feel like you tripped and fell into a time machine.

Come back in a couple days for "How you know you're losing".

About time for an update no?

2010-01-16T00:41:00.000-08:00

I'll make this quick. I am really not in the mood for much more than that.

I only lost 300 grams (0.66 lbs) at weigh in this week. Yeah yeah, spare me the ol' "a loss is a loss" stuff cos I totally know. I'm ok with that loss. I didn't do much to help it along.

BUT I got on the Wii Fit today (which, by the way, AWESOME!) and I've gained 1.5 kgs in the last THREE days!!! How the hell did that happen? Is it my crappy eating from last week catching up with me? *sigh*

My dad sent me The Biggest Loser game for the Wii...I tried it today. Bob the trainer just about killed me! But it's an AWESOME game. I love it. Will be using it regularly.

So. Between the Wii workouts, the walking to get ready for the half marathon and going to the gym/pool, I SHOULD be losing weight. I just really need to get back on track with my eating. I was getting a bit slack there. I'm going to do better now.

Here's to a better week.

The words that inspire us

2010-01-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

Before I get into the rest of this post about words, I'd like to say thank you to the Wii Fairy!!! This particular one is over 6 feet tall and answers to the name of Dad but DUDE....I got Wii Fit Plus the other day! I came home to a message saying the courier had missed me, so the next morning I went to the courier office and picked it up. I just about peed my pants with joy when I opened the parcel and there was a Wii Fit! I was so surprised and I have been having a great time with it. So...thanks Dad...you rock!! I'm lovin' it!

*****

Ok. Now. Words...I was going to talk to you about words. Words are special. They are sacred in my world. As a wanna-be writer, the way I use my words can have different results. Words are powerful. They have the potential to make people feel every emotion under the sun. I can make you feel happy by telling you lovely you look today (which, by the way, you totally do. I like the way you've done your hair!). The right combination of words can cause anger, sadness or hurt.

At the same time, words can provide inspiration. As I do the rounds of the many, many blogs that I read, I often find myself inspired and deep in thought about the words that the author has laid out.

On New Years Day, I hopped on over to visit Linda at I'm Just Linda. She had a post up called One Word. It was about "her" word for this year. She had first seen the idea over at Chantelle's blog Fat Mum Slim where the question was posed:

If you could sum up in just one word what you want from 2010, what would that word be?

It got me thinking. I'm still thinking. I don't know if I could necessarily come up with a word that sums up what I want from 2010, but I do know that there is a word that sums up my feelings about life in general.

Climb

Often in my life it's not one single word that has an impact on me, it's more like to be a string of words - usually in song form. Which is where "climb" came from. I'm not ashamed to admit (ok, I'm a little ashamed..whatevs) that Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb" has sort of become my personal theme song. Laugh all you want about the choice of artist, but the lyrics are what's important.

Whenever I listen to the lyrics, I realise how true they are:

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

It really IS all about the climb through life. I'm willing to ignore the fact that it's Miley Cyrus singing it and just listen to words. This weightloss journey that I'm on IS an uphill battle and it ISN'T about how fast I get there. It's the climb to get there. And I'll make it.

That was going to be the end of my post, but then the kids and I watched American Tail yesterday and this song really struck me.

It's something that I need to keep reminding myself of on the tough weeks. Never say Never.

Never say never,what ever you do
Never say never,my friend
If you be that,your dream will come true.
They will come true in the end.
Keep up your courage,don't ever despair
Take heart and then count to ten
Hope for the best
Work for the rest and never say never again

So. What words inspire you? What is YOUR word for 2010? Tell me all!

Now all I need is Wii Fit!

2010-01-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

I have just finished week 7 of this journey and the first week of 2010. And what a week it has been!! I have done a fair amount of walking this week. 3 to 3.5 kms at a time, and walking quickly. I had to stop briefly yesterday and then slow down my walk because my chest was sore and I was worried I was overdoing it, but otherwise it's been great.

Oh the results!

I went to weigh in tonight and fought the butterflies the whole time I was standing in line. Stepped onto the scale and....

*

*

*

*

*

*

A loss of...

*

*

*

*

*

2.7 kgs (5.94 lbs) !!!!!!!

Holy crap!! I just about died!

Do you know what that means? No? I'll tell you!

In 7 weeks I have dropped 10.8 kgs. That's 23.76 lbs!!! In SEVEN FREAKIN' WEEKS!!

Oh. My. Gawd!!

Do you know what else that means? It means I'm now happily UNDER the weight restriction of the balance board in Wii Fit. So now I need the weightloss fairies to bless me with a Wii Fit. Or any of you lovely readers that want to send me one, I won't say no :)

Either way, I'm happy to be down so much. And done in a healthy way too!! Official weight as of tonight? 147.8 kgs (325.16 lbs). Still WAY too high, but going down steadily.

A challenge!!

2010-01-03T19:41:00.000-08:00

Along with this whole weightloss journey that I'm on, I seem to have gained a sense that I can do anything. As such, I signed up for a challenge put on by my buds ZGirl over at Think Tank and Dual Mom over at We're At Dad's That Week. It's called....

This involves eating better, exercising more, and being accountable to a whole list of people who are joining in the challenge. It's running from now until April. At that point, we'll figure out who has lost the highest percentage of their body weight. That person will reign supreme and be sent a whole bunch of wee little prizes from the rest of the group...from all over the world. Pretty good incentive right??

Some folks are taking pictures of their scales and posting those pictures, but because my scale scurried for cover under the bathroom cabinet with screams of "come back and try again in 50 pounds, you heffer" when it saw me coming, I have had to resort to taking pictures of my Weight Watchers weigh in book. That's fine with me seeing as I've already posted a picture of my fat ass with the weights attached. So. My start weight for the L.I.B challenge is:

Now, I have certain goals regarding this challenge.

1) Whoop ALL y'all's asses.

2) Drink at least SIX bottles of water a day. My water bottle is 700mls so that'll be 4.2 litres a day.

3) Restrict myself to TWO glasses of Coke Zero per day.

4) Walk at least THREE kilometres a day. This will be increasing rapidly as I move into the training program for the half marathon I'm doing in May.

5) Still make use of my sports centre membership to keep up with my weight training and make use of the swimming pool for laps. This will, I hope, help prevent all that saggy baggy skin as I lose the weight. Fingers crossed.

6) Not die.

Ambitious aren't I?

What a difference!!

2010-01-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Do you want to see what a difference 8.1 kgs (17.82 lbs) can make??

HOLY CRAP!! You can see more of the door! My waist is slowly starting to show!!

I took my measurements last night. I've lost:

Neck: - 0.5 cms (0.19 ins)

Upper Arm: - 1.0 cms (0.39 ins)

Chest: - 8.0 cms (3.15 ins) (I KNOW!!)

Waist: - 6.0 cms (2.36 ins)

Abdomen: - 2.5 cms (0.98 ins)

Hips: - 10.0 cms (3.93 ins) (Oh. My. Gawd!!)

Upper Leg: - 2.5 cms (0.98 ins)

Calf: - 3.o cms (1.18 ins)

That's a total of 33.5 cms (13.18 ins) GONE off my entire body.

Can I get a Woot! Woot! ??

FIVE FREAKIN' PERCENT!! (and other stuff)

2009-12-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

As of tonight, the end of my sixth week of Weight Watchers, I have officially reached (and surpassed) my 5% goal. Oh yes, my lovelies, that's right. FIVE freakin' percent of my body weight. Which, because I have more lard in my ass than all of Europe used to spread on their bread during WW2, is rather a lot.

When I started this journey six weeks ago, I said I wasn't going to divulge my weight. I feared the mere act of reading the number might send you into convulsions from the shock because, trust me, it was (and still is) a shockingly high number. My mother just about fell off my couch when I told her what it was.

However, in order to fully and properly gloat about my current acheivement, I must break my vow of silence. So, please brace yourself. Also, bear in mind that any mocking, cruel words, or shaming will not be tolerated and I will be forced to come and sit on you. Which will be fun for me but might require the hiring of a chiropractor for you. You have been warned.

Now that that's out of the way...

6 weeks ago, I walked into my first NZ Weight Watchers meeting with a tummy full of huge ass butterflies (or maybe moths, I haven't quite figured that out yet) and waddled up to the scale. I just about cried when the woman wrote down my weight. And yet, it wasn't as high as I was expecting.

158.6 kgs

When I looked at it at first, I thought "Hey, that'd be awesome if it was pounds!!" and then held back the tears again as I converted it into pounds and realised how incredibly heavy I'd gotten. Yet it wasn't as heavy as I had BEEN! Have you done the math yet? That's 348.92 lbs.

(pause for dramatic effect and picking up of jaws off dust covered floor)

I'll admit I was sorely tempted to just say "Screw this" and walk away. Right then. Right there.

But I didn't. I've kept going. And now, after 6 weeks I have the pleasure of being able to jump up and down (carefully for fear of black eyes and sprained boobage) with glee for having reached (and surpassed. Don't forget surpassed!!) my 5% goal.

I lost 600 grams (1.32 lbs) this week.

My total weight loss for six weeks? 8.1 kgs !!!! (17.82 lbs)

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

*~*~*~*

On a slightly less exciting note, I set a couple of goals tonight at my meeting.

1) A bunch of us have decided to sign up for the local half marathon. Feel free to die on my behalf, I'll wait. Done? Ok. Yeah. I agreed to do it, but only if I could walk the whole way. Which, YAY, is totally possible. I have until May 8th to be able to walk 21kms without (a) dying and (b) well, that was about it.

2) A few of us are also going to do the triathlon at the end of 2010. This is a far more achievable goal as far as I'm concerned. I'll likely also end up walking part of that too. I'm never going to be much of a runner.

Goals. Important, yes? Potentially death inducing? Yup. But I'm still gonna do it.

*~*~*~*

Also? I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely (and gorgeous!) Rachel from my Weight Watchers forums tonight. She's visiting from Christchurch and is very sweet, very funny and very leggy. Rachel, it was a pleasure to meet you and I'm very sorry I had to run out of there....family duties. If you're ever back here again, maybe we can grab coffee.

Oops sorry!!

2009-12-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot to come and post a quick update. Between work and Christmas, this kind of got lost in the fray.

So. Last week I only lost 400 grams (0.8 ish pounds). I was kind of bummed out but I was horrible at keeping an eye on my food that week and barely exercised.

THIS week, I lost 1.8kgs (3.96 pounds)!!! I've been walking and some other stuff and it paid off.

So over five weeks, I've lost a grand total of 7.5 kgs (16.5 pounds). Some of my clothes are fitting better, I feel better and I'm sloooooowly beginning to look better.

We'll see how I do at weigh in on the 30th after Christmas dinner and all.

Merry Christmas y'all!!

Here's to never throwing up!

2009-12-08T23:42:00.000-08:00

See what Snoopy is doing there? That cute little "happy dance"? That's me tonight!! Oh yeah it is!

I lost.....

**drum roll please**

2.1 kgs

at the meeting tonight! (That's 4.62 lbs).

That brings my total weightloss for the last THREE weeks to 5.1kgs (11.22 lbs).

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a bookmark for hitting my 5kg mark. Kind of a cool little reward thing.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling when I see the numbers going DOWN. It's kind of odd actually.

On the one hand, I'm overjoyed to see the weight coming off. I know that if I keep working hard, if I keep doing what I am meant to do and don't cheat, then I will keep losing weight and inches. But on the other hand, it's very emotional as I reflect back on the reasons WHY I am where I am. Obviously I try not to dwell on the latter too much but I definitely need to go there occasionally. If I don't address the reasons why I got fat in the first place, then it's just going to happen all over again and I definitely don't want that.

I realised over the last couple weeks that as I walk into the meeting on Wednesday nights, I'm hesitant. I want to be there but I don't want to be there. Does that make any sense? I want to track how I'm doing, I WANT to see my weight go down but I really don't want to see what is at that very moment in time...because I know it's too high, I know it's not where I want it to be.

So I stand in line and wait my turn. I fidget and talk to people around me, I read the information that I've been given for this week and I wait. Sometimes I make it to the front of the line in 2 minutes, sometimes it takes 15. Either way, I always end up staring at those scales and I always consider walking away. After all, my husband and children love me the way I am. I could just walk away and they wouldn't say a word.

But I stay.

I stay and stare at the scale and try to ignore the butterflies in my tummy that have been getting worse as I worked my way down the line. I stare at the scales and then I look at the skinny woman sitting behind the desk and I have to try to remind myself that it wasn't that long ago that she was standing on this side and hoping that she wasn't being judged. I stare at them and pray for a loss. Any loss.

And then I step on.

At that moment, right when I step on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Every single week. Seriously. And yet, so far (knock wood...lots of it), I've been successful. But I know that these same things will happen each week. I just hope that I never actually throw up. Because, y'know, embarrassing!

Sun makes everything better

2009-12-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Peeples! It's a lovely Tuesday morning here (announcing this might seem strange to many of my readers who are in Australia and are now all "um..DUH...it's Tuesday here too", but I thought I'd make it easy for my North American buds cos sometimes it's confusing) and I'm feeling great!

I didn't manage a walk yesterday because I had a sick wee Boy Spawn home from school and, well, I was just being lazy. To be honest I should have gone for a walk once Hotty Hubby was home but I didn't. I could make excuses about having to make dinner or tidy up or whatever, but they'd be total crap. In fact, in the interests of full transparency, Hotty Hubby got home at 4:30 and we didn't get dinner til 7:00. It only took me 20 minutes to make dinner. Think maybe I could have fit a walk in there? Yeah. I just couldn't. be. ASSED!

However, I did drink a crap load of water, did well with my points and generally enjoyed the sunshine-y day. I even made macaroni and cheese for dinner. From scratch. And not a K or a D in sight (ok...for my Aussie buddies, the K&D are from Kraft Dinner...makers of awesome mac 'n' cheese back in the homeland)! I was so impressed with myself. 5 points per serve, the kids liked it and hubby said I was welcome to make it again. YAY!

I have weigh in tomorrow evening and I'm a teensy bit nervous but I think I'll be ok. Fingers crossed! I shall be blobbish no more! Instead of Shamu, I shall be ..um...I can't think of a thin animal with a human-like name...but that's what I'll be.

Check back tomorrow to see how I did!

Thoughts

2009-12-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

As I come to the end of what has been a rather great weekend here in town, I've been pondering a few things.

See, I've been watching Biggest Loser Australia on the mornings that I haven't been working and it's inspiring and frustrating all at the same time.

Confused?

Inspiring ~ these people have left their families and friends behind to go off to what is, for all intents and purposes, a "fat camp" and work their asses off (quite literally) in the hopes of a) becoming healthier, lighter, fitter and possibly better looking and b) win a crap load of money. I watch them work out for hours a day and they're doing really well. And in the process, they're facing a lot of truths about themselves.

Frustrating ~ they are working themselves to the bone at this camp and yeah, they're losing weight, but are they REALLY learning anything? They're fed healthy food, they're told how to work out and it just keeps falling off. Because they have. nothing. else. to. do! If I had hours to work out every day and a personal chef to feed me nothing but a 1200 calorie, healthy diet...I'd be thin too!

What I like the best about this show though, is that the people really have to face some honest truths about themselves, and I think that's the hardest part of the whole weightloss journey - facing the reasons WHY we are where we are and what the repercussions of that are. Just the other day, this guy Sharif said that he was embarrassed to walk down the street with his wife. Not embarrassed for himself (although I'm sure that was part of it)...but embarrassed for HER because she was a tiny little thing and he was...well....he was fat. Very.

I get it. I totally get it. I've felt the same way about going places with my hubby a lot of the time. Next week we have his staff Christmas party to go to, with a bunch of people I've never met, and I'm terrified. I'm worried that they'll judge him because of me. I hate that other people, specifically my family, might be judged, laughed at or talked about because I am overweight. It's hard when he looks like this:

And I look like..well....this:

You get my point. Right?

So what else have I been pondering and doing?

~*~ I really need to give up the negative inner conversations with myself. They aren't helping and in fact, I think they're really holding me back in some areas. Just the other night at my Weight Watchers meeting, I told my leader that written on my bathroom mirror was "You would speak to others the way you speak to yourself". And I wouldn't. So why can't I follow that?

~*~ On Friday afternoon I walked to the school to pick up the kids instead of driving. It's 1.6kms each way, so a round trip is 3.2kms (2 miles). My mother's been saying I should walk on the nice days instead of driving, but I just kept brushing it off as yet another "Mom-ism". This time it occurred to me on my own ...so I did it. And I felt GREAT afterwards.

~*~ I've been really struggling with finding point friendly recipes for dinner time. I do fine at breakfast and lunch and even with snacking during the day...but come dinner time, I'm lost. So I make dinner for Hubby and the kids and then I have a sandwich and a salad. BO-RING! Anyone have any inspiration for me? Something I could make in the slow cooker would be great!

~*~ It has come to my attention that I am not nearly as sweet as I had originally thought. Those who know me are NOT shocked by this revelation, but it rocked me to the core. See, I went for a walk tonight...In. The. Rain. I walked for 3.5kms (2.2 miles) and I walked hard. Felt awesome when I got home too!

~*~ Black Eyed Peas and Paramore are fantastic to walk to.

~*~ People in this town are supportive. On my walk, I had a woman give me the thumbs up as she drove by, and a GUY honk and yell out his window "Good job girl!!" as he watched me walk. It was great and gave me the oomph to keep going all the way home.

That's it for today lovelies.

Another week gone...

2009-12-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

This is just going to be a short post. An itemized list, if you will.

I didn't get the job. I can't say whether it was because they didn't want to hire a fat chick or if my qualifications were just not up to par. Either way, I am not employed in my field. Yet. I'm still looking.
I didn't have the best week, as far as food is concerned, but I didn't have a bad week either. I stayed in my points range every day, but probably could have made some better choices. I bought some WW bars and stuff last week and I was eating them for snacks. Chocolate-y and yummy. And yet, I'm WELL aware that I should have been eating fruit instead. So I will change that this week. More salad and fruits...less other stuff.
My whole "I can't go cold turkey with the soda/pop so I'm going to drink an entire bottle of water for every glass of Coke Zero that I drink" thing was crap. A day and a half in, and I was drinking Coke Zero and no water. So that will change this week too. Water, water, water, water.
I didn't exercise. At all. Pathetic really. I didn't even bother to go for a walk. Now, in my defense it has been pretty much pouring rain for the last 3 days and I can't very well walk in the rain can I? I'd melt! All that sugary sweetness that I possess would just melt away! Ok, ok I know....it's all crap. And I will be going for at LEAST a 30 minute walk every day this week. AND checking out the sports centre.
All that stuff aside though? I did lose 800 grams this week. (That's 1.74 pounds for my North American friends.) I'm happy with that. A loss is a loss right?

That's it for today darlings. Have a good week!!

The truth hurts....like a punch to the head.

2009-11-26T20:58:00.000-08:00

It's true what they say. "They" being the powers that be that decide on what words will make up the numerous cheesy cliches that we use. And today "they" were proved right. Which of course made me want to hunt them down and tie them to the front of a train, but that's beside the point.

Where was I before I so rudely digressed? Oh yes. It's true what they say. The truth hurts. It's like a punch to the head, or someone giving you a supreme truth wedgie. Hurts like a ....well, that's rude and I won't go there, I'll save it for my other blog.

How does it hurt? Ah well my lovelies, you are smart to ask.

Oh let me list the ways....

1) Although I already have a job, it doesn't give me very many hours and it isn't what I went back to school to get trained for. So, I've carried on looking for employment in my field. I've sent out letters and resumes to all and sundry and not having too much luck. The job market here is not as great as I might like right now. But yesterday I got a phone call from a firm here in town who I have now applied to twice. Could I please come in for an "informal discussion" (read: interview that stresses me out beyond belief)? Absolutely!

This, of course, presented me with a problem. No. Nice. Clothes. Well I'll just go shopping. HA! Yeah right. This might be a relatively easy feat for you folks who fit nicely into the societal norm of what size we should be and, as a result, the averages sizes that the designers churn out. However, for a someone my size who more closely resembles the prize cow in the field down the road than Heidi Klum, it can be a tad more difficult.

As I dragged my extremely shopping resistant spawnlets (they come by it honestly. I hate shopping.) around the store trying to find something interview appropriate, I found myself on the verge of tears. So many gorgeous shirts, skirts, pants, dresses and jackets.....all in sizes smaller than I can even dream of fitting into right now. I finally found the "oversize" area (yeah..heaven forbid they call it "plus size" like the rest of the world, they have to label us like the back of those Mack Trucks hauling friggin' houses!) and guess what? Sweet F All!

Ok, that's not strictly true. I did find a pair of pants in a lovely grey colour that were my size. I tried them on and couldn't decide what was wrong with them. But something was. So I bought them (because I'm stupid) and brought them home to model for my mother. She kindly pointed out that because I'd got them big enough to go up over my ass just to get them to my waist, I now had pants that were too big in the ass and I looked like I was wearing saddlebags. Ok. The pants were returned, I spent another HOUR wandering all (two) of the "Heffers Shop Here" aisles and finally found a nice dressy pair of capris that look quite fetching on me.

All in all though, a very humbling and tear inducing experience. One I'd rather not repeat til I've lost a few ~~dozen~~ more kilos.

The truth is, I'm too heavy to shop happily. That truth hurts.

2) (This one will be shorter I promise!) One of the requirements for this job I interviewed for was that the applicant have "excellent presentation skills, both in manner and appearance". Well, I might come across as an uncouth redneck idiot ~~whenever I open my mouth~~ at times, but when it comes down to it I can sound pretty darn intelligent. Also? I clean up pretty good...my size aside.

When talking about this aspect of the job description with my mother, she pointed that my size might be a distinct DISadvantage for me. Huh? Yeah. I was all "Nuh-UH! They can't discriminate based on the size of my ass!" And she's all "Oh yeah they can. You are presenting the face of their firm and let's face it, a thin person would look better....they can be very selective when it comes to that."

(Note: NOT a direct quote from mother dearest, I'm paraphrasing and perhaps using what I heard as opposed to what she actually said because I'm pretty sure she put it more eloquently than that.)

Once I picked my jaw up off the floor (where, by the way, there was NO food!) and fought back the tears that were welling up, I proceeded to put that little ditty on a loop in my head where it played over and over and over and over and over again until AFTER my interview today.

The truth is, she's right. Given the choice between me and some skinny minny with the same qualifications and experience, they'll likely choose skinny because she looks better for them. And that truth hurts.

3) Children are, up to a certain age, brutally honest. Horribly so. When I went to pick up the spawnlets from school today, I was still all gussied up from my "informal discussion". As I walked down the hallway towards Girl Spawn's classroom, a bunch of kids were walking towards me. A couple of the girls started giggling with each other and I didn't think much of it.....until they got just past me.

"Oh. My. Gosh! Did you see how FAT she was?!" (like I'm the only queen size mama in the whole freakin' school?)

I brushed it off, filed it in the back of my head to put spiders in the offending kid's backpack, and kept walking. Then I heard more giggling and...

"Hahaha yeah she was big! Even MY mom's not that big."

"She looks like she's going to have a baby"

"Maybe she is!"

"Nuh-UH! She's just fat. Hahahahahaha! Like a cow!"

"Shhhhh!!! She can totally hear us!" (ok, you get a free pass for that one...this time.)

I had to leave. I went back out to my car and sat there and cried. It would have hurt to hear coming from anyone's mouth, but after the last 24 hours it hurt more somehow. I just sat there and cried for about 10 minutes before I was finally brave enough to waddle back into the school.

The truth is, she was right. I AM fat. And I DO look like I'm going to have a baby. And that truth hurts. A LOT.

But you know what? That's exactly why I'm doing this journey. One. Last. Time. So that eventually when I go shopping, I can shop on the same racks as my sister. (ok, that might be a stretch...she looks like a model) So that when I go for an interview, I know they're looking more at my qualifications and my boobs than they are at the size of my stomach. So that my kids don't have to worry about having the "fat mom".

And more than anything, so that I can live.

The truth hurts, but sometimes the pain is worth it in the long run.

What a great first week!

2009-11-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well. I dragged my ass into the weigh in room last night, dreading stepping onto that scale. It's a horrifying feeling, standing there wondering if you really DID do well this week and if it will be reflected on the scale.

The ladies sitting behind those tables have the best poker faces I have ever seen. I'm surprised they're not rolling in $ from winning card games! As I stepped on the scale my leader, Heather, kept a perfectly dead pan face as she wrote down the numbers. Meanwhile, I just about fell OFF the scale in astonishment.

2.4 kgs!!

(That's 5.28 lbs for you non metric people)

What a great loss for a first week where in truth I've struggled a bit. Not from personal choices but from lack of knowledge about how best to allocate points. But it seems I didn't do that badly.

I am getting better at the points thing. Now it's more about meal planning.

When the rest of the family is having meat and potatoes, or meat and rice, I sub in a salad for the carbs. I haven't figured out how to deal with pasta yet. I LOVE pasta and it's kind of a weakness (along with chips and pop). I'll get there.

Oh! On the pop (soda) front.... I tried to go cold turkey on that. I tried to cut it out altogether. Screw that. I like my Coke. So instead, I switched to Coke Zero/Diet Coke because it's 0 points. BUT I made the rule that for every 250ml glass of coke I drink, I have to drink a whole 700 ml bottle of water. Seems to be working so far!

Before I go...

Last night, my son didn't want to finish his dinner. Hubby didn't want it. Ordinarily, I would just eat it because HEAVEN FORBID I just throw the leftover food out! I reached for the plate, my hand was half way there, and then I remembered what Heather (my leader) had said at the meeting just a half hour before....

"Plate pickers wear BIG knickers"

Too true, my friends! Too true.

Here's to another good week!