Addiction

"If I say 'ADDICTION', what is the first thing that pops into your head?"

That is the question that I posed in a couple of places recently on Facebook. In my own head, I was pretty certain what the answers would be - something related to drugs, alcohol, smoking - and sure enough, those were mentioned.

I was surprised, though, how long it took someone to come up with "food", "sugar", and the like.

To me, those are every bit as bad an addiction as drugs, alcohol, or smoking. I know that the results are different, that the threat to personal life is different, but addiction is addiction.

I don't know that I could say that I'm addicted to food. I mean, I eat food and I have this insane need to eat on a couple or few times a day so that I don't keel over in a massive heap somewhere and give some poor guy a coronary as he tries to help me up. I don't need that kind of guilt. But yeah, I eat. I just don't think I'm addicted to food. I just like it. A lot.

Sugar, on the other hand, is a different story. If you had told me 6 months ago that I was addicted to sugar, I would have laughed in your face. And then chugged a Pepsi. Because sugar.

In July 2013, my son asked me to quit drinking energy drinks. Y'know.... V, Red Bull, Monster, Lift Plus. He was 9 at the time and had noticed that I was going through, easily, 3 to 6 cans (big cans!) of energy drink a day. He'd watched something on TV about them and realised that they're not good for you.

Now, I didn't honestly think it was an issue. I would have told you that the reason I could go through so many of them a day was because A) I was fat so they didn't affect me the same way, B) they didn't affect me at all, I just liked the taste, C) I don't care what they were doing to me because yum, or D) a combination of those.

But what do you do when your 9 year old is standing there looking at you with a deadly serious expression on your face like, " you need to do what I'm asking or this is going to be worse than when I found out that Santa is just you being a martyr"?!

I'll tell you what you do. You QUIT THE DAMN DRINKS!!

So I did.

I had the most excruciating headache for 2 weeks but suddenly I was sleeping better, had MORE energy, was in a better mood, and lost almost 4 kgs!

So then he says (the kid's going to be a wheelin' dealin' S.O.B when he's older)...."I think you should give up the fizzy drink too mum".

Nope. That'll have to wait.

And so I waited. Until April or May of this year. I gave it up cold turkey. Another horrible headache, another couple of kilos lost. I did really well for about 3 months and then I got this AMAZING thought...

"I bet I'm at the point now where I could just have a Pepsi when we go to a movie."

So I did.

And then... "I bet I'm at the point now where I could just have a glass in the evening."

So I did.

Here's the thing about addictions though.....you can't do that! Now, ok, me saying "oh I'll just have one" is a lot different than an alcoholic saying that but besides the potential for life ruination and potential destruction, it's about the same.....it sends you down that slippery slope again where you find it hard to quit.

Hi. My name is Meg and I'm addicted to sugar.

So when I re-started this whole journey I realised I couldn't keep drinking the fizz. I quit cold turkey again.

It took about 3 days to rid myself of the headache this time because I just started pounding back the water.

I feel great! More energy, sleeping better, better hair and skin. I've been drinking plain water or, if I get a bit of a sweet craving, some water flavoured with ACTUAL fruit.

Can I ask something of all of you? Just picture me down on my knees, begging, big  eyes....

If you drink energy drinks or fizzy soda/pop drinks, can you quit them please? They're sooooo bad for you! Especially the Diet ones filled with Aspartame. Drink water. Drink fruit flavoured water (with real fruit not flavouring). You'll be glad you did!

New beginnings. Again.

When I look down the side bar of this here blog o' mine, I can see just how many starts and stops there have been in the last 6 years of my journey.

SIX YEARS!! And honestly, I'm no further ahead than I was in April 2009 when I first started this blog...or this version of it.

I can also see that I had moderate success after our move to New Zealand. I didn't have a car so I had to walk everywhere. I joined Weight Watchers (again) and I started to lose weight. I was going swimming regularly and I got some semblance of control on the things I was eating.

And then.

Well.

And then in July 2012, I got a horrendous staph infection in my left leg that ran from hip to my ankle...but mostly knee to ankle. Aside from the week in hospital, I spent another month or so not doing a whole lot other than sitting around and eating. 'Cos...y'know....I could.

I never got the motivation back. I never gathered myself and said, "Hey Self...you need to get your fat ass out there and DO something". I never said "Self, those 40kgs (88 lbs) that you lost are coming to find you again and each one you let through is attaching themselves to your hips like Klingons on the starboard bow of the Enterprise".

Nope.

I kept on keeping on.

And y'know what? 3 years later I'm STILL saying "oh but I got an infection in my leg".

THREE YEARS!!!! Seriously? What the eff is wrong with me? WHY am I still clinging to THAT old excuse?

I've been swimming in a pool ONCE since I got that infection because I'm scared. We're pretty sure that's where I picked up the bacteria that made me so sick and I'm scared to get it again. But you know what? I miss swimming! I love the water. I was born to be in the water. I float without even trying, always have. Even when I wasn't a narwhal, I floated. So, yeah, I miss being in the water.

I miss putting my headphones on and walking for miles (or ...kilometres, as it should be). Just being alone in my thoughts with the music drowning everything out. I miss that.

So WHY am I still hiding behind the same lame old excuse?

Because it's the only one I've got left. Being tired, lack of time, kids activities, housework....it's all bullsh*t. But clinging to that old excuse? It's my default comfort setting.

Here's the thing though. I'm tired of being fat and unhealthy. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to find nice clothes, touch my toes, go for a bike ride with my kids, run up a flight of stairs without dying.

I sit with my laptop and watch old school friends (Dave, Richard) of mine post on Facebook about their gym adventures and I'm so proud of them. One day, I hope that they'll see my stuff go by and think the same thing. 2 years from now is my 20 year reunion in the UK. I want to go. I want to go and show my husband where I went to school, maybe even some of the places I grew up. I want to see all the people I went to school with. More than that? I want to be able to fit in the plane seats comfortably without having to ask for a seatbelt extension.

Over the last 3 or 4 years I have stopped and started too many times. I have done it because some random person made a rude comment. I've done it because I thought my husband was embarrassed to be out with me. I've done it so that I wouldn't shame my kids when I show up at their school events, the fattest mum in attendance.

I've never done it for me.

And that? That's the key. If I do this for ANYONE other than myself, I'm doomed to fail. I've never liked people telling me what to do or think.

I don't want to be skinny. I don't care about skinny.

I want to be healthy.
I want to strong.
I want to be fit.
I want to be able to do so many things that I just can't right now because of my health and my size.

I want..........to succeed.

Step 1: Make the conscious decision that this is for me and no one else.

Check.

Step 2: Sign up for an awesome deal at the local gym AND schedule in time to go at least 3 times a week.

Check.

Step 3: Get back to my blogging and set up my FB page again. Not so that I can have people fawn over me. I don't want that. So that I can be accountable. To myself, to you, to whomever is out there reading.

Check.

Step 4: Set goals.

Check

Step 5: Weigh myself. 166.7 kgs (366.74 lbs) *gulp* GAH! Run away!!! Oh. Wait. I don't run. Walk away...quickly!

Check.

Step 6: DO IT. Just friggin' DO IT!

This step is going to be a constant work in progress and is going to need your help. Yes. You. Sitting there reading this. Poke me. Prod me. Ask me if I've gone for a walk today. INVITE me for a walk today! Encourage me.

I'm doing this for me. Not you. Not anyone else. But the encouragement is still vital.

Righto.

New post in a few days. Weigh in weekly.

Make it so!

Well the holidays are over. The "official" holidays, that is. I'm very lucky to still be off work until the 20th of this month. It really is one of the best things about working for a Non-Profit Organization in this beautiful country of New Zealand. We shut down for 3-4 weeks every year at Christmas time and, because Christmas coincides with Summer in this part of the world, I get to enjoy what should (theoretically) be a lovely season without being stuck in an office the whole time.

I say 'theoretically' because if I'm being totally honest, the weather this summer not really lived up to my expectations. Large parts of the country have had torrential rain and flooding, not to mention winds. The sun has been rather absent.

I can't complain too much. I was in one of the few places over the week of Christmas to actually get the opposite of what the weather folk had predicted. We were promised rain, rain, and more rain. We actually got lots of sun, sand, and summer fun.

Since then, however, the weather has gone rather downhill and other than the odd day here or there people have been rather unhappy with Mother Nature. NOTHING compared to many of you back in North America and Europe though. I really feel for you with what you're dealing with...and my thoughts are with you all. Stay safe!

Anyway, I made it through the holidays relatively unscathed. As we were away 'glamping' (camping in a cabin that consisted of a double bed and 2 bunks), we didn't have the big Christmas dinner and all the desserts. Our dinner was basically steak and french fries. Excellent!

Since coming back, it's been a lovely time of relaxation and refreshment but it is coming to an end. We have officially begun the Biggest Loser Challenge that I mentioned HERE. I am incredibly stoked to say that we have 16 people taking part! Quite aside from the $80 that will go to the winner at the end of the 3 months, that is 16 people who are committing to making a big change in their lives, to getting fitter and healthier, and (as is the case with many of them) to lose some pounds. I am SO excited to be part of the challenge and to be doing it with this amazing group of people. Stay tuned....I'll update occasionally as we get through the next few months.

I have to say, I was absolutely HORRIFIED when I did my initial weigh in for the challenge. After all the progress I made when I was on Weight Watchers, losing all those kilos, I never wanted to see that weight again. But I'll be the first to admit that since I quit going to WW and since I landed myself in hospital 18 months ago with a Staph infection in my leg, I have not been good. It has been an absolute shit year or so and aside from my apparent inability to resist the call of the yummy foods, I have tended to eat whatever isn't nailed down when I'm having a hard time.

I'll post weight progress updates to my Progress page as I carry on, and hopefully some pictures to go with it.

In an attempt to challenge myself even further, I have joined the 2014 edition of Go The Distance, courtesy of Fat Girl Vs The World. I'm determined to make it stick. I cannot carry on the way I have been. I am hoping that 2014 will prove to be every bit the year I want it to be, and I am going to work hard to make it so.

So how have all of you started your year? Did you make resolutions or, like me, did you just decide to flag the resolutions and just DO IT?!

Here's to a Happy & Health 2014.....for everyone!