My year to be fit. My year to be strong. My year to be healthy. MY year.
For the last two years I have hummed and hawed, I have upped and downed and upped again, I have quit and restarted more times than I can count and more times than is even reasonable. I have cheated and I have lied to myself.
I have walked a path, but not the path that I was meant to walk. Instead, the path I have traveled has run through, around and sometimes parallel to where I want and need to be. My compass has been broken and the nasty lady in the GPS machine just makes me want to scream.
And so, I go in circles and occasionally pass through Chocolate Town by way of Pizza City. Sometimes I'll take the scenic route through Redemption Pass where I track religiously and make it a point to workout but there's just so long that my limited attention span can manage and I drift away back to the Big Greasy.
I've decided the tourist life isn't for me though. Sure the towns and cities are nice from time to time with their promises of deliciousness but I think I crave the quieter life. I think that deep down inside me has been a lingering urge to commune with the fruits and veggies, swim in the water and walk with the fit folk.
Excuses became such a deep seated defense mechanism that it has been hard to overcome them but, much like when I am trying to drive a manual transmission car, I have been slowly stripping away the gears. Sure, they're still there and of course they'd work if I really want them to, but for all intents and purposes they are now useless because of the strip job I've done on them. Pointless, useless excuses that no longer have a place in my life.
Motivation has been hiding out on Pie Crust Beach and getting itself a tan, which would be fine if it didn't make me so dang jealous when I burn. The thing about motivation is that when you think you've got it, you have to keep hold of it. Sometimes, the motivation you've got is actually just a big idea disguised as something more socially acceptable. In this kind of journey, your motivation needs to the right kind. What I thought was a journey driven by motivation to be health, fit, strong and thinner for myself turned out to be something else.
I've done a lot of reflection over the last few months while my husband has been working in another city and I've been eating well, eating poorly, eating well and eating REALLY bad again. During this reflection time, I realised that I was trying to lose weight to be more attractive for my husband, to be better looking for my kids (so they wouldn't be embarrassed), to prove to OTHER people that I could do it. But rarely did I say "I'm doing this for ME".
Well, screw that.
2012 is MY year.
This is my year to be healthy.
This is my year to be strong.
This is my year to be fit and awesome.
Because I want to for me. Because I NEED to for me. Because if I don't do this for me, it will never ever happen.
2012? This is MY year. And I'm gonna kick ass.
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The draw is still open to win a copy of "The End of Overeating". Just email lookingformyfeet@gmail.com and I'll enter you. Draw finishes January 6th, 2012 at Midnight PST. Open to readers worldwide.
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