Thursday, April 30, 2009

The week of bad choices

Guess what I had for dinner Tuesday night?


Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight?

Chinese food.

I had a (small) bowl of chips sitting in front of the tv last 10pm. I had a VENTI Strawberry & Creme Blended Frappucin WITH Whip this afternoon. That'd be the uber large for you folks who don't speak Starbucks. And just for good measure, that ginormous blended deliciousness is the ONLY thing that has made it's way into my stomach today other than the teeny tiny Diet Pepsi I am drinking as I sit here.

You can imagine how well my search for my feet is doing. It's going really well. When I sit down on my recliner and put the foot rest up, there are my feet! See? I told you I could do it!

Yeah yeah, ok...I get it. I'm supposed to be able to stand up straight, look down and see my feet. As if it wasn't bad enough that my boobs are in the way, there's also a huge belly there. Seriously, I'm giving Santa a run for his money. How sad is that?

So why am I sitting here telling you in advance of the bad choice I know I'm going to make this evening when I sit down to plow my way through a plate of greasy goodness? Because I'm human dammit! I know that I should be having a salad instead. I know that that salad should have a side of water with an exercise chaser. I know all these things. But I also know that this has been quite a stressful week. I spent Monday in the ER, and since then Girl Spawn has gotten pretty sick. What better way to cope than to eat copious amounts noodles & pork?

I have begun to be very aware of my issues surrounding food, and those are things that I will attempt to explore in the coming weeks and months. I know that I am incredibly unhealthy right now. Those bad food choices up there though? They're unusual for me right now. I've been eating pretty well. Yes of course I slip up....but it's becoming (thankfully) less frequent now.

The ultimate irony as I prepare to eat triple my weight back in calories tonight? I'm watching Oprah's show on Kirstie Alley and other heavy weight people. Yeah. I'm pathetic.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A new beginning?

It seems like every year I decide that THIS is the year I'm going to lose all this weight. This is the year I am going to drag my ass out the door and get some exercise. Or more to the point, just drag it off the couch. That would be a good start. This is the year I will eat better, drink more water, get more sleep. This is the year.

I get off to a decent start, I lose a bit of weight, and then I let life take over. I stop eating well, I sit around more, and before I know it I'm right back where I began. Or worse, I'm even heavier than when I began.

I think that part of the reason for this is I have never really given myself the right motivation. I've also never explored the reasons for why I am fat in the first place. Yes, yes, I know that over eating and lack of exercise is the biggest reason...but I also know that there are underlying issues at play. Issues I've never cared to explore. Issues that MUST be addressed in order for me to get anywhere.

And so I begin anew. I am a month shy of my 30th birthday and as I look online (Facebook) at all the pictures of the people I went to school with and see how fantastic they all look, how incredibly gorgeous my ex (and first "real") boyfriend looks, I wonder what the hell went wrong with me. Then I look at my children and wonder why I am not doing more to ensure that I am going to be around for a long long time for them. Then I look at my husband and try and figure out why I am not doing more to make him proud to be out with me on his arm. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how hot I look or whatever..and I believe him...but really.And finally I look at myself in the mirror. I look at the rolls, the dimples, the pudge, the blubber. And I wonder how I can possibly keep fooling myself into thinking that I am ok with looking like this.

You know what? I'm NOT ok with looking like this. Clothes don't look right, I'm not in ANY pictures unless I take them myself and then it's only a headshot. I don't have the energy to run around after my kids and play with them. And when I get on a plane in a month or so to (hopefully) fly to New Zealand, I'm 99% sure I am going to have to get a seatbelt extender. How incredibly mortifying is that?!

So, here I am. Starting again. This time, for good.

In this space I will explore my feelings around food and exercise, around my health and my weight. I will babble on about how I'm choosing to fix the problem. I may even post pictures to show progress. Maybe.

I have a significant amount of weight to lose. I have no idea how much I weigh right now but I'd say I have about 180lbs to lose. That's an ENTIRE PERSON people!!! That's just shy of what my husband weighs. *sob*

I can do this. I HAVE to do this.

Stay tuned....I'm going to be looking for my feet.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Make like a sheep

Do you have a question? Would you like to offer some advice or constructive criticism? Do you feel like submitting a guest post? Do you have something that you want to say, but don't want to leave a comment?

Then please, fire me off an email at mindofamadwoman AT hotmail DOT com .(or click that giant envelope below!) I'd love to hear from you and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

About Me

I have been overweight since the age of 18. Actually, to tell the truth, I've been technically overweight since I was 16 but it never really looked too bad til I was 18. I have steadily put on weight for the last 13 years. I have done Weight Watchers 3 other times.

But this isn't the story of those times. This is the story of now. The story of how I caught a reflection of myself in a window one day and before realizing it was me, I thought "Holy crap that chick is FAT!". When I recognised myself, I just about cried. I could suddenly hear the thoughts of everyone around me and I didn't like what I was hearing.

"That girl needs to go on a major diet. Stat!"

"How did she get that big?"

"She waddles like a duck"

"Please don't let her trip and fall on me."

"Woah. It's like she decided that eating LIKE a horse wasn't good enough and she just ate the horse instead."

It was a huge wake up call. Additionally, we'd just finished moving half way across the world from Canada to New Zealand and I had spent over 16 hours traveling on planes with teeny tiny seats, wedging my ass in and trying to quietly ask for an extension for my seat belt without dying of humiliation (though I'm pretty sure that I was so firmly stuck in the seat that I wasn't going anywhere).

I was tired of not being able to chase my kids around the park, of not being able to tie my shoes without getting into a pose most people don't see outside of yoga class, of finding myself out of breath just from walking up a flight of 10 stairs or of becoming so depressed from clothes shopping that I seriously considered investing in a closet full of mumus.

So, for the FOURTH (and hopefully final) time since I was 18, I joined Weight Watchers. Somehow, stepping on those scales was both horrifying and liberating all at the same time. I weighed in at a whopping 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs) and yet in the back of my head all I could hear was "that's not even the heaviest you've been, heffer!"

This blog is the record of my journey from Hungry Hungry Hippo to Hipster Hotty. I hope you'll follow along, join in with advice or support and even share your own journey.

**You can also find me blogging over at Mind of a Mad Woman**