Starting Over

Here's a few things that I think every person out there, who may still be reading this blog for whatever reason, needs to know:

1) I am fat. Yes, I know we're all supposed to hate that word and I do absolutely detest that word when used in a derogatory way, but I am fat. It's a fact. It's also kind of the whole reason we're here isn't it?

2) I am lazy. I admit it. I would rather be found curled up on the couch for hours on end with a good book or my laptop than be found running along the river.

3) I give up too easily and for weird reasons. For years I have gotten good at something and then promptly given up trying.

4) I don't like any of these things, but seem to be at somewhat of a loss as to what to do about them.


So, now that we've established those facts, what do we do?

Well. I don't know. Do you?

Let's start from the beginning.....

I'm fat. Duh. Like I said, the whole reason we're hear talking about all this rubbish is because over the years I have put on enough weight to keep a third world country fed for a decade. I wear clothes that could fit both my children and my sister in them together, which I have to buy from the "plus size" department in stores. Sometimes, depending on the store, even shopping in the "plus size" department isn't good enough. This is because in some places, even the area for us fat folks only goes up to a size 20. I started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time in an effort to combat this whole fat issue....which is where the other facts come into play.

I'm lazy. As previously mentioned, I'd rather be found reading a book than doing any sort of exercise. This does not mesh well with the whole losing weight idea.

I give up easily. I think I've talked about this before but with regards to this particularly journey it sucks. Giving up easily goes hand in hand with laziness. In fact, the two are skipping along happily together. I have been the same weight, essentially, since April LAST YEAR. Sure I have lost weight...but then I've gained it back. Why?! Because I got complacent. Those first 20 kgs came off so easily. I thought it wouldn't be a problem to slack off just a little bit. Remember this picture?



Mmm...me too. You know what? I still look like that third picture. My measurements have changed a little bit, but essentially it's the same.

Feel free to pick your jaw up off the floor anytime.

So. I ask again. What do I do?

I have agonized over this for weeks now. As I watch the numbers go up and down, as I watch myself eat portions that are far too big, as I turn down yet another invite for a walk or a trip to the gym...I wonder what the hell I'm doing.

I wonder why I allowed myself to get this way in the first place...and then realise I know the answer to that.

I wonder why I allow myself to stay this way, why I continue to sabotage myself and make myself feel like crap.....and I realise that I may never know the answer to that.

I wonder, constantly, what I can do to change my mind set....and I realise that this will always be an issue for me and something I will always have to battle. I also realise that it is going to take an inordinate amount of strength to win that battle.

So.

The Plan
(capitalized because it's important)

Combat the fat. Be a fat buster. - This basically translates to: I am starting over. I am going to try and bring back that enthusiasm I had in November 2009 when I (re)started this journey. I want to enjoy every single milestone that I pass. I have come so close to my 25 kg mark a few times now, only to become lazy and complacent and gain back enough to put me far away from it again.

What does this mean? Tracking, tracking, tracking. And planning, planning, planning. Meal planning, food tracking. I think this comes under the category of "Duh".


Stop being a lazy ass. - I'm sure that doesn't really require much translation, but just in case....I take you back to my previous comments about books and couches. I keep telling myself that I can't go for a walk or go to the gym because I have a book to read. Aha! Turns out, as I discovered in yet another one of my epic trips to the library, that I can get books in mp3 format. I can listen to books while I walk! How cool would that be?

My daughter has also announced that she wants to be able to do duathlons & triathlons and therefore wants to learn to run. This has prompted my return to the Couch to 5K program. I found THIS site that has some MUCH cooler music on it and will be using that.

What does this mean? I hereby pledge to do some sort of exercise at least 5 days a week for at least an hour. This is my major goal. My fearless leader, Tex, is always telling me not to make so many goals at once, so I am making this one my main one.


No more giving up. - Also unnecessary to translate. But this is where YOU lot come in. If you don't see me posting here or on my Facebook page on a regular basis, I need you to come and chase me down. Post something on the Facebook page, send me an email or, if you know where I live, come knock on my door and say "What the hell?!?!". I promise not to growl. Unless you're my mother.

What does this mean? It means I'm accountable. It means it's much harder for me to give up. It means....it means I need help. I have a hard time admitting that...but I do. I need help. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. So I'm asking all of YOU to help me. Please.


I'm going to sign off now...but before I do, I leave you with this:

Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left, then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Here's to starting over!!

Hang-Ups & Bang-Ups

"I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"
~ Dr. Seuss

I always liked Dr. Seuss. Although many of the words that he put together seemed like nonsense, there really was a whole lot of wisdom behind them. I used that quote to start my post because I've recently shed light on one of my hang-ups that has been skulking around in the shadows of my brain, trying to pretend it isn't really there. It's been out there on the periphery, reaching in and poking at me with a stick and then sitting back and giggling like a schoolgirl when I look but can't see it. As far as I can tell it has been hanging out there, just waiting til my guard was down so that it could pounce. I am pretty sure it has been there most of my life. Now I wish it would go away, or I may have to go all Alice on its JabberWocky imitating ass.

This hang-up doesn't really have a name. I haven't come up with anything short enough as yet. Right now it's just "whenever I start to do well at something, my brain kicks into gear and says 'ok you're done' and I start failing again". It really is like a switch goes off in my head.

Not that long ago, I was within 200 grams of my goal of losing 25 kgs. And the very next week, I gained almost 3 kgs! Then I lost a bunch and got to within 400 grams of the goal...and gained the next two weeks. I wish I could claim that it was a total fluke, but I know it wasn't. I know it was because my brain switch got flicked and I started to sabotage myself.

Aha! Self Sabotage....that's the name of the hang-up.

I am working very hard to overcome that right now. This past week I had issues with my car. Actually, I'm STILL having issues with my car. As a result, I've had to do a lot of riding around on Greta the Bike, and a fair amount of walking. Thank goodness for a relatively flat town. Throw in some voluntary swim sessions, and I got more exercise in one week than I've had in the last 3 months. Combined. Yeah...it's been that bad.

I figured that seeing as I was getting in so much exercise, I would go back to tracking. Religiously. I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth this week. And I ate well!

End result? I lost 1 kg this week (2.2 lbs). Which finally put me back over that "20 kgs lost" mark. It's been very frustrating looking at my book and seeing that I've been up and down 3 kgs, for the last.....8 months? The thing is, my measurements have changed...for the better....so I wasn't too concerned about my weight not shifting much. I am now.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose."
~ Dr. Seuss

When I stood on the scale yesterday and saw the lady write down that 1 kg loss, I smiled and did a little happy dance (on the inside). Then I had to fight my brain for power as it tried to flick that switch. I had done something good, you see, and now it was trying to put me back into self sabotage mode. I can't go there again.

I DO have brains in my head. And I can overcome this urge to throw it all away and go back to being a humongous heffer.

I DO have feet in my shoes. And I WILL use them to power my bike, to walk all over town, and to get back into the Couch to 5K program.

I WILL steer myself...and the direction I choose is down. And up! Down in weight and up in health.

Where are YOU steering yourself to?

**********

Starting weight: 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs)

Current weight: 137.7 kgs (302.94 lbs)

Total Loss: 20.9 kgs (45.98 lbs)

Take some time .....

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself."

~ Barbara De Angelis

I have spent some time in the last week doing things for me. Just me. I don't want to give the impression that I never get time to myself or get to do anything for myself, but I think most women would agree that we tend to put everyone else first.

We chauffeur the kids, we do the laundry once in awhile, we take care of the house and the groceries and everything else. Our husbands, if they're smart, will tell us to take some time to ourselves and we'll try to do just that but on the way to go read a book we'll find a bedroom that needs tidying or put on "just one more" load of laundry.

My job gives me the flexibility to be able to have many hours of apparent "down time" during the day. Unfortunately I use a good portion of that running errands and doing things around the house. In between computer time of course.

This week I decided that I was going to follow the saying "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

I went and got my hair cut.

I got my eyebrows waxed.

I was in too much pain to bother taking a picture. You're welcome.

I got a pedicure. I wish I had thought to take pictures of the amazing process but my body was melting into a puddle of goo from the awesometastic massage chair they had me sitting in, combined with the footgasmic work they were doing on my feet. Ordinarily I am not a person who enjoys having anyone anywhere near my feet, but Oh. Emm. Gee......BLISS!!

I felt good!

And, it made a huge difference to my attitude. And it made it easier to do everything else in my life. I feel like a new person.

So.

When is the last time you did something for just you? Try it !!