If your own mind turns against you, where are you going to hide?
I listened to David Riddell talk this morning. He was talking about relationships and negotiations and balance of power but one of the other things he talked about briefly was depression and anxiety.
Since the age of about 18 I have struggled with depression. At 20 I was on anti depressants and sleeping medication to help. Through the years I have tried all sorts of medications, home remedies, mental exercises and the rest. Some of it has worked, some of it has made me feel like a creature from "Night of the Living Dead". I have come up against some family and friends who consider depression to be "all in the head" (well ...duh) and I have been supported by others who realise what a real and serious issue this can be.
At a couple of points in my life, it has felt like I could not possibly get any lower emotionally and that there isn't anything or anyone in the world that could pull me back up and "rescue" me. It has impacted my marriage, my parenting, my friendships and my own sense of self.
It has not been constant. There have been weeks, months and YEARS when I am fine. I'll be happy as a pig in mud and then something (I'm not yet sure what) will trigger something that will send me down a slippery slope into what can only be described as a dark place. Sometimes darker than others.
This has been the case for me for a few weeks now. I'm just not the same. I'm just not.....happy.
So I take you back to the quote at the beginning of this post. Where do you hide when your mind turns against you?
Given what kind of blog this is, I'm sure those of you with an IQ above 50 can probably imagine where I'm going with this.
Some of you dive into bed, some into projects, some into exercise.
I dive into food. I am, and always have been, an emotional eater.
I stopped attending Weight Watchers a few weeks ago because it was $20 a week we just couldn't spare at the time. I stopped exercising too. I stopped doing anything good and started eating everything bad. Why? Because it made me feel better. The only thing that would have made me feel better, I thought, would have been crawling into bed and sleeping.
The other day I realised that I was STILL doing this all wrong. When I started to feel crappy again, I should have eaten more veggies, exercised more and drank more water. Instead, I sat on my ass, ate chips & ice cream and drank litres of Pepsi Max full of aspertame.
So instead of continuing down that same path, I reworked the budget a bit the other day and cut back some stuff and then I marched myself into the gym and made an appointment. For tomorrow. My gym membership is back on track as of this week and I'll be getting a personal program made up.
My menu plan is done for the week:
Monday - Beef Stroganoff
Tuesday - Meatloaf
Wednesday - Chicken Cordon Bleu
Thursday - Sausages with mash & cheese
Friday - Sausage pie & veggie
Saturday - Pasta
Sunday - Beef roast
My exercise plan is in progress but I need to get out there and enjoy the limited winter sunshine.
As delicious a hiding place as it has been, I need to get out of it and get out of my head. From now on, I want my answer to the question "where are you going to hide" to be "I'm NOT going to hide".
So how about you?