Fit Date 001.12/152.3

Today is the first day of a new year. Today is the first day of MY year.

My year to be fit. My year to be strong. My year to be healthy. MY year.

For the last two years I have hummed and hawed, I have upped and downed and upped again, I have quit and restarted more times than I can count and more times than is even reasonable. I have cheated and I have lied to myself.

I have walked a path, but not the path that I was meant to walk. Instead, the path I have traveled has run through, around and sometimes parallel to where I want and need to be. My compass has been broken and the nasty lady in the GPS machine just makes me want to scream.

And so, I go in circles and occasionally pass through Chocolate Town by way of Pizza City. Sometimes I'll take the scenic route through Redemption Pass where I track religiously and make it a point to workout but there's just so long that my limited attention span can manage and I drift away back to the Big Greasy.

I've decided the tourist life isn't for me though. Sure the towns and cities are nice from time to time with their promises of deliciousness but I think I crave the quieter life. I think that deep down inside me has been a lingering urge to commune with the fruits and veggies, swim in the water and walk with the fit folk.

Excuses became such a deep seated defense mechanism that it has been hard to overcome them but, much like when I am trying to drive a manual transmission car, I have been slowly stripping away the gears. Sure, they're still there and of course they'd work if I really want them to, but for all intents and purposes they are now useless because of the strip job I've done on them. Pointless, useless excuses that no longer have a place in my life.

Motivation has been hiding out on Pie Crust Beach and getting itself a tan, which would be fine if it didn't make me so dang jealous when I burn. The thing about motivation is that when you think you've got it, you have to keep hold of it. Sometimes, the motivation you've got is actually just a big idea disguised as something more socially acceptable. In this kind of journey, your motivation needs to the right kind. What I thought was a journey driven by motivation to be health, fit, strong and thinner for myself turned out to be something else.

I've done a lot of reflection over the last few months while my husband has been working in another city and I've been eating well, eating poorly, eating well and eating REALLY bad again. During this reflection time, I realised that I was trying to lose weight to be more attractive for my husband, to be better looking for my kids (so they wouldn't be embarrassed), to prove to OTHER people that I could do it. But rarely did I say "I'm doing this for ME".

Well, screw that.

2012 is MY year.

This is my year to be healthy.

This is my year to be strong.

This is my year to be fit and awesome.

Because I want to for me. Because I NEED to for me. Because if I don't do this for me, it will never ever happen.

2012? This is MY year. And I'm gonna kick ass.

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The draw is still open to win a copy of "The End of Overeating". Just email lookingformyfeet@gmail.com and I'll enter you. Draw finishes January 6th, 2012 at Midnight PST. Open to readers worldwide. 

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UP FOR GRABS

As a little Boxing Day token for all of you, I have got a copy of "The End of Over Eating" up for grabs.

If you would like to win this book, please just send me an email at:

lookingformyfeet at gmail dot com

with the subject line "OVER EATING BOOK" and I will enter you in the draw.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and would love to share it with all of you!

Y'all are better than a pair of Spanx!

Being fat is hard.

It's hard on your body, your mind, your emotions, and your health. Your self esteem can hit rock bottom, your emotions can take a dive into a never ending whirlpool. There will always be someone judging you because of your weight. Someone, somewhere, will always be ready with a rude or snarky comment about your weight and your appearance. Some of those people will do it under the guise of "just trying to help" when, in fact, they are doing more harm than good.

Being fat is hard.

Losing weight is hard.

It is also hard on your body, your mind and your emotions. Just stepping into a gym can be a real challenge to your pride and your courage. As an overweight person, it can be very disconcerting and overwhelming to see all those machines being used by a bunch of fit and trim gym bunnies when you have NO bloody idea what you're meant to be doing. New habits have to be learned, old habits scrapped. Exercise upped, food consumption lowered.

Losing weight is hard.

BUT!!!

Losing weight is not nearly as hard when you have a good support system.

I've had a hard time losing weight anyway, but it was infinitely harder when I was trying to do it in secret. I frequently run into people who have said they don't want their friends, family, partners, children etc etc knowing that they attend Weight Watchers meetings. When I was doing the same thing, I totally understood. Now? It baffles me.

Why?

I'll tell you.

Weight management programs no longer have the same stigma attached. Celebrities the world over are promoting these programs in the hopes that you and I will sign up and use them. If Fergie, Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli can lose weight like that, in the VERY public eye, why can't we?

Personally I'm at the point where I would rather have every single person I know be aware of the fact that I am trying to lose weight, than wonder if I'm ever going to bother.

Why?

I'll tell you.

I can't do this without support. I tried. I failed. Miserably.

Secret Squirrel Slimming Scenario: Go out for dinner with friends, tell waitress you're going to order a salad. Friends look at you as if you've just grown a third head out of your nose and wonder aloud why you're not ordering the normal 6 course meal that you would have previously. You can't bring yourself to tell them that you're going to Weight Watchers and trying to be healthy and lose weight, so you backtrack on the salad and end up ordering garlic bread, steak and chips, mushrooms, dessert, and beer. At weigh in the next week, you've gained 2 kilos.

Satisfactorily Slimming with Support: Go to a BBQ at a friend's house and show up holding a beautiful garden salad and a fruit platter. Instead of wondering what demonic creature has taken over your body to prevent you bringing 5 kilos of sausages and a cheesecake, the friend thanks you, congratulates you on your efforts thus far, and brings you a cold glass of water.

I have invited just about every single person on my friend list to "Like" my Facebook Page. (you should too! plug plug!)

I have shared the link to this blog with all the people close to me and some not so close.

Both of those locations detail my efforts AND list my weight.

Am I embarrassed by my weight? HELL YES! Am I doing something about it? DAMN STRAIGHT!

But I have had nothing but support from the people in my life. And for that I'm grateful because it makes this soooo much easier.

I blog partly because someone out there might be inspired by me to do something about their weight and their health. I blog because it's nice to be accountable to more than just friends, family and Facebook. I blog because I need the support, and I like to provide it where I can.

Your support system is every bit as ESSENTIAL as your exercise routine and the food you eat. Let the people in your life know what is going on with you. Swallow your stupid pride and tell your partner that you have 20 / 50 / 70 kilos to lose. Suck it up and tell the people who love you that you NEED their support because you want to be healthy.

As for you all out there reading this?? Spanx have got nothing on you.


Thanks for all your support!!

"Real" Women

Recently a picture has been circulating on Facebook that has provoked some very intense feelings in many people. It is a comparison of two very different body types, in two very different times. Some look at it and agree wholeheartedly with the attached caption, some partially agree but have other thoughts to add to it, and others are vehemently against the implied message.

I fall somewhere in there; perhaps a mix of all three.

I suppose that it would largely depend on who you are as to which camp you would fall into. Perhaps you are a person that really does prefer a woman on the very thin side. Maybe you're one who craves a little more meat on a woman. 

What I'd like to address mostly is a comment which I've seen people post when they see this picture:

REAL women have curves!

Do they? Is there a rule book somewhere that dictates that the only way you can be considered a "real" woman is to have curves? I've not seen one, and I challenge anyone to show me such a thing. And if there is, what constitutes curves? Again, you have to rely pretty heavily on public opinion as to what curves are considered "proper" curves to make up the aforementioned "real" woman. 

I used to be one of those people saying "Real women have curves". Every time someone skinny looked my way and commented, rudely or otherwise, I would bring out the old catchphrase as if it were a shield that could protect me against the world. 

I used to be quite comfortable in saying "Men don't want stick insects that are going to break, they want something with a bit of meat on their bones". 

I used to be......ignorant. 

Plain and simple ignorance. 

Every time you say "a REAL woman has curves", you are implying that those women who don't, aren't. Every time you utter that one simple phrase, you are doing exactly the same thing to those women that many have done to you when they comment on your weight. 

One of the guys who originally shared that picture, and whose name still shows under it with each share, is a father. When he posted it, he added the comment:

I would hate for my daughter to grow up thinking she is supposed to look like a stick 

figure.

I can understand that, I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking she HAS to be SKINNY either. Society places a certain pressure on women to be a certain size, that isn't necessarily appropriate for every woman's body type. But that's a post for another time. 

When I re-posted that picture, I did so with the disclaimer that I was NOT talking about women who are genetically predisposed to being very thin. I have a couple of friends who fit into that category and yes, they are very thin and next to me look like waifs, but NO they are not anorexic/bulimic, NO they do not need to "go eat a burger", NO they are not starving themselves. Actually a couple of them can out eat me!

When I re-posted that picture with my agreement that "this is more attractive than this", I was referring to those women that you see on many of the fashion runways and magazines nowadays. The women with bones jutting out everywhere and sunken faces. 

There is a difference between the two. There is a vast difference between the way your body is meant to be and the way that some women starve and overwork themselves to MAKE their bodies appear. 

**Don't get me wrong, I realize that anorexia & bulimia are horrible diseases and CLEARLY I have never suffered from either. I wish that women didn't feel the pressures that they do to look a certain way that pushed them to those points. **

Real women. 

What are they?

Are real women curvy? Are real women straight up and down with boyish figures? Are real women very thin or very muscly?

Real women? They're just women. All body types, all shapes and sizes and colours and ethnicities. 

Real women are everywhere. 

Re-define REAL. 

Change the way your mind works, change the things you say. Telling a thin woman that "real women have curves" or that she needs to "go eat a burger" are just as hurtful as telling an overweight woman that she's "gross" or needs to "staple that stomach".

We'll talk about re-defining sexy another time, but for now...go hug a REAL woman. Find the closest woman and give her a hug because no matter what she looks like, she's real. 

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Come "Like" my Facebook Page and get updates, fun stuff and the chance to win things! Click HERE!

Yet again

The problem with having a bunch of posts started and ready to go in your blogger storage facilities, is that many people (such as myself) never go back and finish them. Or, like me, by the time you make it back to finish them, you can't remember what the heck you were waffling about in the first place.

Or.

Or.

Or.

Yeah, whatever.

HI! How are y'all? I've missed you.

I hit another snag in my life where it felt like everything was piling on and re-joining Weight Watchers and keeping up my blog were waaaaaayyy at the bottom of an ever expanding list of priorities. I just barely managed to post on my Facebook page on a semi regular basis.

Then, I went to a women's retreat run my friend's Baptist church. I spent a whole weekend talking, laughing, playing, and having fun. I came home feeling more at peace with myself and my life than I have in a long time.

It really helped.

Then I saw an article in our local paper about an amazing woman here in town who just lost almost 50kgs and she looks AMAZING. Inspiration walking.

THEN!!! (yes, this will end soon, just hold on!)... then I had coffee with Tex, my long lost Weight Watchers leader and friend. We sat and had a good natter til we both realised we were meant to be heading to work. It was that final kick in the backside that I needed, that final push to say YES.

And so here we are. My weight loss, NAY! My HEALTH is back at the forefront, my blog & facebook page along with it. So, at the risk of sounding like a

my big 

is BACK on the

I did a scary thing this week. I went and joined a social netball team with a bunch of other ladies on a Tuesday evening. The practice made my body hurt and feel really tired. And yet, invigorated. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I'm looking forward to the games, although I feel like my skill level is FAR below everyone else's. I haven't played netball since I left school....so about 15 years. And I wasn't that great to begin with. So, this will be a adventure, if nothing else.

Yesterday, after my coffee date with Tex, I RE-joined Weight Watchers. That was scarier than the netball. I know that I had my reasons for leaving in the first place, but I still felt like a total failure walking into that room, signing all the papers AGAIN, and then standing on the scale to find I was 10 kgs heavier now than I was back in April or May when I stopped going. All that kept running through my head was "You FAILED". But I shut it all down because I know that while I might have failed in some small way by walking away all those months ago, I am WINNING now (yeah, just like Charlie Sheen)....all because I have started again. 

New starting weight: 150.0 kgs (330 lbs)

Small goal: 140.0 kgs (308 lbs) by Christmas)

Ultimate goal: 75 kgs (165 lbs)

So, there you have it. An update. The first of many. 

Come by and check out my Facebook page. I just ran a contest on there for the people who have clicked on that adorable little "Like" button at the top...and when we get to 250 fans, I will run a bigger one. I have a great prize in mind. And at some point in the not too distant future, I have business that will be running a contest through here and you WILL want to be in on it!

So how is everyone out there doing??? Update me on your lives...leave your blog links again, so I can come say hi!!

Thoughts in Picture Form

I came to do a post today and couldn't believe it has been a month since I last posted. Just ridiculous. I do apologize. I really am a huge slacker. In soooo many ways.

Anylazy, I wanted to share some thoughts with you but I've decided to go with pictures.

This is just one of the things that I need to print and put on my fridge. I keep quitting, for stupid reasons, and then I have to start over.

I get sick of starting over so I quit again. It's a never ending circle.

Are you sick of starting over? Shall we stop quitting, together??

Those delicious chips that I love so much? That ice cream that screams my name from the fridge? The cookies and fudge and brownies that pin me down and jump down my throat and then proceed to settle on my ass?

They.

Aren't.

Worth.

It.

Another one to go on the fridge perhaps? I'm sick of feeling like crap about myself because I've sat an munched on something that, sure, was delicious at the time...but wasn't worth the exercise that I should have done (but didn't) to burn it off.

Criminal Minds, CSI, The Mentalist, Glee, American Idol, Big Bang Theory, Survivor, Next Top Model, etc etc etc.

Somehow, many of us have the time to sit and watch these shows. We have the time to sit and watch hours and hours of television but then in the same breath will turn around and say "I don't have time to exercise".

You know what? I have a life to live, I have two young kids and I have a gorgeous husband.

I do not have time to be fat. Enough of this shit already. I'm 32 but most days I feel like I'm 62. I want to get to 62 and be able to say, "I feel like I'm 32!!"

Here's a couple visuals for you:

Um. Ew! I know which one I'd rather look like inside. I know that in THIS case I'd rather be lugging around a ton of bricks than that ugly looking fat.

And last but not least:

Random thoughts

Not attending Weight Watchers meetings is not good for my weightloss efforts.

Not having the support of others doing the same thing, meeting with them every week is bad for my weight loss efforts.

The rainy, cold weather affects my weight loss efforts in a negative way.

Blah. Blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

How often do we all make the same damn excuses? How often, in the attempt to make ourselves feel better about our perceived failures, do we blame external sources for what really is our own doing?

Me? All the time. But I'm getting better at it.

What's really at fault is my lazy, fat ass. Sitting on the couch watching tv or fooling around on Facebook. Eating chips and chocolate. Not going for my walk because it's raining or I'm tired.

As I said in my last post, I had a plan. A plan that I have since put into action. My gym membership is renewed and my brand new fridge is full of yummies.

What I need now is music recommendations for my walks. What do you listen to? What keeps you walking at a good pace?

I asked a question recently on my Facebook Page about when y'all weigh in, because I was trying to find a new day. Looks like Monday is going to be my new day til I go back to WW. So, tomorrow I will weigh in in the morning. I will post it here. I might even take a picture. And then I will work my butt off to lower the numbers for next week. Sound good??

A Delicious Hiding Place

If your own mind turns against you, where are you going to hide?

~ David Riddell

I listened to David Riddell talk this morning. He was talking about relationships and negotiations and balance of power but one of the other things he talked about briefly was depression and anxiety.

Since the age of about 18 I have struggled with depression. At 20 I was on anti depressants and sleeping medication to help. Through the years I have tried all sorts of medications, home remedies, mental exercises and the rest. Some of it has worked, some of it has made me feel like a creature from "Night of the Living Dead". I have come up against some family and friends who consider depression to be "all in the head" (well ...duh) and I have been supported by others who realise what a real and serious issue this can be.

At a couple of points in my life, it has felt like I could not possibly get any lower emotionally and that there isn't anything or anyone in the world that could pull me back up and "rescue" me. It has impacted my marriage, my parenting, my friendships and my own sense of self.

It has not been constant. There have been weeks, months and YEARS when I am fine. I'll be happy as a pig in mud and then something (I'm not yet sure what) will trigger something that will send me down a slippery slope into what can only be described as a dark place. Sometimes darker than others.

This has been the case for me for a few weeks now. I'm just not the same. I'm just not.....happy.

So I take you back to the quote at the beginning of this post. Where do you hide when your mind turns against you?

Given what kind of blog this is, I'm sure those of you with an IQ above 50 can probably imagine where I'm going with this.

Some of you dive into bed, some into projects, some into exercise.

I dive into food. I am, and always have been, an emotional eater.

I stopped attending Weight Watchers a few weeks ago because it was $20 a week we just couldn't spare at the time. I stopped exercising too. I stopped doing anything good and started eating everything bad. Why? Because it made me feel better. The only thing that would have made me feel better, I thought, would have been crawling into bed and sleeping.

The other day I realised that I was STILL doing this all wrong. When I started to feel crappy again, I should have eaten more veggies, exercised more and drank more water. Instead, I sat on my ass, ate chips & ice cream and drank litres of Pepsi Max full of aspertame.

So instead of continuing down that same path, I reworked the budget a bit the other day and cut back some stuff and then I marched myself into the gym and made an appointment. For tomorrow. My gym membership is back on track as of this week and I'll be getting a personal program made up.

My menu plan is done for the week:

Monday - Beef Stroganoff

Tuesday - Meatloaf

Wednesday - Chicken Cordon Bleu

Thursday - Sausages with mash & cheese

Friday - Sausage pie & veggie

Saturday - Pasta

Sunday - Beef roast

My exercise plan is in progress but I need to get out there and enjoy the limited winter sunshine.

As delicious a hiding place as it has been, I need to get out of it and get out of my head. From now on, I want my answer to the question "where are you going to hide" to be "I'm NOT going to hide".

So how about you?

The Official "200 Sit Up" Challenge Post

Alright y'all. I got a couple responses on my Facebook page about this, and a couple comments on my last post about it, but it was the weekend and I'm going to assume that instead of just deciding it was something you can't do, that you were all away and thus didn't comment. So consider this post your official sign up for joining me on The "200 Sit Up" Challenge.

Here's the dealio:
Sunday, May 22nd - Perform the initial test outlined on the 200 Sit Up site. Click HERE for the test link.
Once you have determined how many sit ups you are able to do, then decide on 3 days per week when you are going to do the program.
I have selected Monday, Wednesday and Friday - - just to make it easy.
Monday, May 23rd - This will be the official kick off date for the challenge but it doesn't mean you have to do anything this day...stick to your chosen days.

Some of us may feel like we have to repeat week 5 and/or week 6, just like it says on the site. This is better than forcing yourself to complete it in the 6 week time period, so if you need to take longer...please do!!
Six weeks will take us to Sunday, July 3rd .
I will post regularly on my Facebook page to see how y'all are doing, and I hope you'll fill us in.
I am hereby calling out all you lurkers and hoping that you will join us. Please leave a comment with your blog link (if you have one) so that we can all see how you're doing.....often the best support we have is each other!
So far we have:
MeNikkiRach from Sweet As NZ Girl
WHO ELSE WILL JOIN US??? GET THOSE CORE MUSCLES GOING!

On the road again.....(sing it with me!)

POP QUIZ!!!

Q1) What do you get when you combine one overweight woman, a week of absolute complacency and non motivation, a week with an injured arm, another week of being sick, and absolutely no tracking of food?

A) A gain of 2.1kgs (4.62 lbs) in the space of 3 weeks.


Q2) What do you get when you take that same overweight woman, flip a magical switch in her head to restore motivation and remove complacency, and send her back to Weight Watchers meetings?

A) ME....back on track, with a vengeance!



Yes folks, that's right. I had a massive gain over 3 weeks. But I'm over it. I'm done. I'm not happy to go back there again. I've come so far that I am just NOT willing to gain it all back. I am currently sitting exactly where I was a year ago and that's just not ok. I know, I know...been there, said that. But if you could feel the pain in my thighs that I am feeling right now, you'd know what I'm talking about.

So what have I been up to? Well, other than my eye opening weigh in on Wednesday, I've been busy. I have been tracking every single morsel of food that goes into my mouth. I can't believe that a year and a half in, I am still struggling to perfect this. You might think it should be easy. Prepare food, write it in the book with the correct points, eat food. Thing is, I still have moments when I don't think to write it in the book til much later and then I find myself guesstimating the portion size and corresponding points. I'm getting better though..and at least I'm still remember to write it down. I really need to start taking it to show Tex....keep myself accountable.

Thursday evening I went to the gym with my friend KitKat. Y'know...the one who is often mistaken for being my daughter? Well, she's easily 50kgs (110 lbs) lighter than me but we did HER gym program. I modified it a little bit because there was a couple exercises that I just cannot do....yet. But in the end, I essentially did her program. Also? After watching Kazz from Kazz's Journey talking about her rapidly decreasing time doing 1km on the rower, I thought I'd have a go. So I did. I managed 1km in 5 minutes and 10 seconds. Now I'll concentrate on cutting down that time and catching up with Kazz.

Friday morning my thighs were screaming at me. I'm sure y'all know the kind of scream I'm talking about. "Oh my freaking gawd, how could you do that to me?! Are you insane?!!" I decided that it might be possible to alleviate some of the discomfort by going for a walk. A fast walk. So I did! I walked 6.1kms...in 45 minutes. I KNOW! I wouldn't have thought it was that far but I came home and plotted it out on Google Maps and turns out it really was that far! Now, when I started this journey, that distance would have been seriously uncomfortable. That speed? It would have killed me. Now it's just something I can do. NSV!!!

Today is Saturday and I took the day off exercise wise because I had a netball game to go and coach and housework to do, but tomorrow I'm planning a very long walk and possibly a swim.

I'm down to one and a half glasses of Coke Zero per day...and about 8 bottles of water in my fancy new Bobble bottle.

As Randy Jackson would say: "Maggie is in it to win it!!!"

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In other news, I wanted to share a couple fantastic blog posts with you, by some very wise people:

Kimberly over at A Spicy Boy, A Cat, and My Fat Ass had this great post about artificial sweeteners. Well worth a read.

Jack Sh*t has another round of his W.I.D.T.H (Why I Do This Here) submissions up. They're inspirational, thought provoking and hey, you might even find a new blogger in there that has something in common with you.

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I am starting a challenge, to mix in with my other workouts. I found this great site called "200 Sit-Ups" and I'm going to take the challenge. I'm going to do my best to get to the end of the 6 week program and be able to do 200 sit ups. There's also, if you look down the side bar, "100 Push Ups", "200 Squats", "150 Dips" and coming soon will be "25 Pull Ups". I'm keen to do the push ups and squats but I think I'll leave the dips and pull ups for a while.

Anyone want to take the challenge with me?

**Edited to add: If you are interested in doing the challenge with me, I'll be starting on Monday, May 23rd

Tools For The Trip

"As I mentioned previously, the tools that allow for optimum health are diet and exercise"

~ Bill Toomey

Hi y'all! I think I'm channeling a bit of my WW leader, Tex, with that opening. She says "y'all" a lot...makes me giggle every time.

So how's everyone doing this week? There's been a lot of you out there who have been struggling in the same way I have. I'm curious to know how you've been managing lately.

Me? I'm still struggling....but I'm on my way. Let me introduce you to some of my Tools For The Trip:

This here is my planning board. I used a permanent marker to divide it into days and write the days on and then I use a whiteboard marker for the dates and the planning. At the top of each day I write any evening commitments that might affect what we have for dinner and then underneath I plan out our dinner meals at least. During the school holidays I try to plan out lunches too, but it doesn't always work.

Part of this tool is my ever growing collection of Weight Watchers cookbooks and any other cookbook that has the nutritional info listed so that I can work out the points. I don't always use my cookbooks in my planning. Sometimes we have a week where convenience is going to be key and that's where meals of spaghetti, sandwiches, eggs & toast and salad come into play.

*****

This is my latest haul from the most awesome fruit & veg shop here in town - and it's only part of it. I couldn't fit everything on the table.

I used to buy my fruit & veg from the supermarket, and still do occasionally, but this new shop is the bomb! This haul only cost me $30...which, in this country, is amazing.

The kids and I are back to our "try a new fruit or veg every fortnight" gig, and pumpkin & persimmon are it right now.

*****

Um. If you haven't tried these things yet, then I highly recommend you get off your ass and go to the store for some. Right now.

I'll wait.

Ok.

Are they not the best things ever? And only ONE ProPoint each! Yummy!

These have many benefits: they cure my craving for something sweet, they're cold and seem to curb any hunger pangs & they also keep my hands busy. Win, win, WIN! Try 'em!

*****

Ok. So I can't claim any great insight into any of the things I've listed so far or will continue to list...and this is just the same. Water. Duh. We all know that water is an essential thing in this journey towards a healthier us.

BUT!

The wonderful SuzieQ had one of these bottles at a meeting and I loved it, so I went searching. Finally found one yesterday.

It's called a "bobble". It's BPA free, recyclable, has replacement filters and the filters last for about 300 bottles worth of water. I love it. And I'm getting a TON of water into me right now.

My back teeth seem to be a bit confused right now, what with all the floating around, but I imagine they'll adjust eventually.

*****

Ahhh the evil pedometer. Have you got one of these?

I have a love/hate relationship with my pedometer. On the one hand, I can earn extra ProPoints to use and track how active I haven't been during the day. On the other hand, it seems to do its darndest to keep that step goal away from me.

A few weeks ago, I was all talk about winning this step challenge we were starting at WW and then, Murphy's Law being what it is, I hurt myself. And then I got sick. So, while I've been racking up some steps, it hasn't been nearly enough to even come CLOSE to winning the step challenge. Instead, I've challenged myself. Instead of 10,000 steps a day, I am aiming for 15,000 a day.

*****

Last, but not least, is my beloved Points Calculator. I take this thing everywhere.

I get some funny looks when I am standing in the aisles at the supermarket, busily calculating the points in cans of baked beans or bags of rice, but it is totally worth it. By taking this bad boy with me, I know there are less points in Basmati rice than in white rice. I know the budget beans are less than the pricey ones.

This way, I can buy something and be safe in the knowledge that I'm not going to get it home and find out it's going to use up a huge portion of my ProPoints allowance. I have one in my purse and one at home.

*****

So those are the basic tools that I find essential to my journey. Do I always make use of them? No. But I'm learning to. There's also my wonderful bike, Greta, and my feet for walking...not to mention my iPod and my friends.

But the most important tool that any of us has in this whole thing, as corny as it sounds, is our brain. If we can't wrap our brains around the way things should be, if we can't come to terms with the things we need to cut out, tone down, amp up or bring in....then we'll never succeed. This is exactly the problem I've had for so many months now. Aside from becoming complacent, I don't think I ever really FULLY invested in the process. I talked a big game, but I never played by the rules. That's all changing. Right NOW.

"I think the hard thing about all these tools is that it takes a fair amount of effort to become proficient."
~ Bill Joy

So....what are YOUR tools for success?

Starting Over

Here's a few things that I think every person out there, who may still be reading this blog for whatever reason, needs to know:

1) I am fat. Yes, I know we're all supposed to hate that word and I do absolutely detest that word when used in a derogatory way, but I am fat. It's a fact. It's also kind of the whole reason we're here isn't it?

2) I am lazy. I admit it. I would rather be found curled up on the couch for hours on end with a good book or my laptop than be found running along the river.

3) I give up too easily and for weird reasons. For years I have gotten good at something and then promptly given up trying.

4) I don't like any of these things, but seem to be at somewhat of a loss as to what to do about them.


So, now that we've established those facts, what do we do?

Well. I don't know. Do you?

Let's start from the beginning.....

I'm fat. Duh. Like I said, the whole reason we're hear talking about all this rubbish is because over the years I have put on enough weight to keep a third world country fed for a decade. I wear clothes that could fit both my children and my sister in them together, which I have to buy from the "plus size" department in stores. Sometimes, depending on the store, even shopping in the "plus size" department isn't good enough. This is because in some places, even the area for us fat folks only goes up to a size 20. I started Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time in an effort to combat this whole fat issue....which is where the other facts come into play.

I'm lazy. As previously mentioned, I'd rather be found reading a book than doing any sort of exercise. This does not mesh well with the whole losing weight idea.

I give up easily. I think I've talked about this before but with regards to this particularly journey it sucks. Giving up easily goes hand in hand with laziness. In fact, the two are skipping along happily together. I have been the same weight, essentially, since April LAST YEAR. Sure I have lost weight...but then I've gained it back. Why?! Because I got complacent. Those first 20 kgs came off so easily. I thought it wouldn't be a problem to slack off just a little bit. Remember this picture?



Mmm...me too. You know what? I still look like that third picture. My measurements have changed a little bit, but essentially it's the same.

Feel free to pick your jaw up off the floor anytime.

So. I ask again. What do I do?

I have agonized over this for weeks now. As I watch the numbers go up and down, as I watch myself eat portions that are far too big, as I turn down yet another invite for a walk or a trip to the gym...I wonder what the hell I'm doing.

I wonder why I allowed myself to get this way in the first place...and then realise I know the answer to that.

I wonder why I allow myself to stay this way, why I continue to sabotage myself and make myself feel like crap.....and I realise that I may never know the answer to that.

I wonder, constantly, what I can do to change my mind set....and I realise that this will always be an issue for me and something I will always have to battle. I also realise that it is going to take an inordinate amount of strength to win that battle.

So.

The Plan
(capitalized because it's important)

Combat the fat. Be a fat buster. - This basically translates to: I am starting over. I am going to try and bring back that enthusiasm I had in November 2009 when I (re)started this journey. I want to enjoy every single milestone that I pass. I have come so close to my 25 kg mark a few times now, only to become lazy and complacent and gain back enough to put me far away from it again.

What does this mean? Tracking, tracking, tracking. And planning, planning, planning. Meal planning, food tracking. I think this comes under the category of "Duh".


Stop being a lazy ass. - I'm sure that doesn't really require much translation, but just in case....I take you back to my previous comments about books and couches. I keep telling myself that I can't go for a walk or go to the gym because I have a book to read. Aha! Turns out, as I discovered in yet another one of my epic trips to the library, that I can get books in mp3 format. I can listen to books while I walk! How cool would that be?

My daughter has also announced that she wants to be able to do duathlons & triathlons and therefore wants to learn to run. This has prompted my return to the Couch to 5K program. I found THIS site that has some MUCH cooler music on it and will be using that.

What does this mean? I hereby pledge to do some sort of exercise at least 5 days a week for at least an hour. This is my major goal. My fearless leader, Tex, is always telling me not to make so many goals at once, so I am making this one my main one.


No more giving up. - Also unnecessary to translate. But this is where YOU lot come in. If you don't see me posting here or on my Facebook page on a regular basis, I need you to come and chase me down. Post something on the Facebook page, send me an email or, if you know where I live, come knock on my door and say "What the hell?!?!". I promise not to growl. Unless you're my mother.

What does this mean? It means I'm accountable. It means it's much harder for me to give up. It means....it means I need help. I have a hard time admitting that...but I do. I need help. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. So I'm asking all of YOU to help me. Please.


I'm going to sign off now...but before I do, I leave you with this:

Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left, then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Here's to starting over!!

Hang-Ups & Bang-Ups

"I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"
~ Dr. Seuss

I always liked Dr. Seuss. Although many of the words that he put together seemed like nonsense, there really was a whole lot of wisdom behind them. I used that quote to start my post because I've recently shed light on one of my hang-ups that has been skulking around in the shadows of my brain, trying to pretend it isn't really there. It's been out there on the periphery, reaching in and poking at me with a stick and then sitting back and giggling like a schoolgirl when I look but can't see it. As far as I can tell it has been hanging out there, just waiting til my guard was down so that it could pounce. I am pretty sure it has been there most of my life. Now I wish it would go away, or I may have to go all Alice on its JabberWocky imitating ass.

This hang-up doesn't really have a name. I haven't come up with anything short enough as yet. Right now it's just "whenever I start to do well at something, my brain kicks into gear and says 'ok you're done' and I start failing again". It really is like a switch goes off in my head.

Not that long ago, I was within 200 grams of my goal of losing 25 kgs. And the very next week, I gained almost 3 kgs! Then I lost a bunch and got to within 400 grams of the goal...and gained the next two weeks. I wish I could claim that it was a total fluke, but I know it wasn't. I know it was because my brain switch got flicked and I started to sabotage myself.

Aha! Self Sabotage....that's the name of the hang-up.

I am working very hard to overcome that right now. This past week I had issues with my car. Actually, I'm STILL having issues with my car. As a result, I've had to do a lot of riding around on Greta the Bike, and a fair amount of walking. Thank goodness for a relatively flat town. Throw in some voluntary swim sessions, and I got more exercise in one week than I've had in the last 3 months. Combined. Yeah...it's been that bad.

I figured that seeing as I was getting in so much exercise, I would go back to tracking. Religiously. I wrote down every single thing that went into my mouth this week. And I ate well!

End result? I lost 1 kg this week (2.2 lbs). Which finally put me back over that "20 kgs lost" mark. It's been very frustrating looking at my book and seeing that I've been up and down 3 kgs, for the last.....8 months? The thing is, my measurements have changed...for the better....so I wasn't too concerned about my weight not shifting much. I am now.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose."
~ Dr. Seuss

When I stood on the scale yesterday and saw the lady write down that 1 kg loss, I smiled and did a little happy dance (on the inside). Then I had to fight my brain for power as it tried to flick that switch. I had done something good, you see, and now it was trying to put me back into self sabotage mode. I can't go there again.

I DO have brains in my head. And I can overcome this urge to throw it all away and go back to being a humongous heffer.

I DO have feet in my shoes. And I WILL use them to power my bike, to walk all over town, and to get back into the Couch to 5K program.

I WILL steer myself...and the direction I choose is down. And up! Down in weight and up in health.

Where are YOU steering yourself to?

**********

Starting weight: 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs)

Current weight: 137.7 kgs (302.94 lbs)

Total Loss: 20.9 kgs (45.98 lbs)

Take some time .....

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself."

~ Barbara De Angelis

I have spent some time in the last week doing things for me. Just me. I don't want to give the impression that I never get time to myself or get to do anything for myself, but I think most women would agree that we tend to put everyone else first.

We chauffeur the kids, we do the laundry once in awhile, we take care of the house and the groceries and everything else. Our husbands, if they're smart, will tell us to take some time to ourselves and we'll try to do just that but on the way to go read a book we'll find a bedroom that needs tidying or put on "just one more" load of laundry.

My job gives me the flexibility to be able to have many hours of apparent "down time" during the day. Unfortunately I use a good portion of that running errands and doing things around the house. In between computer time of course.

This week I decided that I was going to follow the saying "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

I went and got my hair cut.

I got my eyebrows waxed.

I was in too much pain to bother taking a picture. You're welcome.

I got a pedicure. I wish I had thought to take pictures of the amazing process but my body was melting into a puddle of goo from the awesometastic massage chair they had me sitting in, combined with the footgasmic work they were doing on my feet. Ordinarily I am not a person who enjoys having anyone anywhere near my feet, but Oh. Emm. Gee......BLISS!!

I felt good!

And, it made a huge difference to my attitude. And it made it easier to do everything else in my life. I feel like a new person.

So.

When is the last time you did something for just you? Try it !!

Pretty, pretty please...if you ever, ever feel...less than

For the last few weeks there has been a song playing on the radio stations that is in grave danger of being OVER played, but I love it. The song in question is Pink's new one "F*ckin' Perfect". I've always been a fan of Pink and she has a few songs that make me cheer because they really speak to me. This is just the latest one (Warning: some language. Duh) :

I think there's some of you out there who need to seriously listen to this song. And not just listen, but really HEAR it! Play it, then play it again and again and again until it sinks in. You can find the lyrics to the song HERE but I just wanted to sample some of them and have a wee chat with you all.

"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!

Filled with so much hatred.....such a tired game.

It's enough! I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

Now, I'm sure when Pink wrote this song that she wasn't specifically targeting us folks on a journey through weight loss. She was talking to anyone who has ever struggled with anything. A bad childhood, a bad marriage, abuse, drugs, weight, trouble. The thing is, it all ties together.

Let's break it down a bit....

"You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong" - Show of hands...how many of us do this? How many of you out there, like me, put yourself down? How many of you can't take a compliment, often believing it to be fake or sarcastic? Well guess what....you aren't alone. But you know what else? You. Are. WRONG. You are wrong about yourself.

You ARE deserving.

You ARE beautiful.

You ARE amazing.

You ARE worth it.

You ARE ............

"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" - I've said it before and I'll say it again.....if you stand in front of your mirror in the morning and the first things that pop into your mind are how horrible you look, what things you wish you could hide/change/erase, or the idea of heading back to bed instead of facing the day, then you need to write the following on your mirror:

"I wouldn't speak to other people the way I speak to myself"

That needs to be your mantra in the mornings until those little voices in your head have done away with the devil horns and popped on a halo and some angel wings. Shut them down! Do you ever feel better after you've stood there and put yourself down for a few minutes? NO! How much better would you feel if you stood there and looked at yourself in the mirror and said "I look good. It's going to be a good day"? Think about it.

"So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!" - This totally ties in with what I just said. I am fully aware, believe me, of how hard it is to look happy when you feel worthless, ugly, fat, etc etc. I am also very aware of how short a time it takes for that plastered on smile to actually start feeling real. When you look happy, even if you aren't, people assume you are. And before long, you start to feel happier. And like she says...you'll make it! Make it through one day and then through the next. If something happens to throw you off, like a binge, start over! You WILL make it!

"Filled with so much hatred....such a tired game" - Isn't it exhausting always hating on yourself? I don't know about you but I find on the days when I stand in front of the mirror and get down on myself (and it happens!), the day feels like it'll never end and I'm so very tired by the end of it all. When I start my day with a positive attitude and a smile on my face, it never seems quite as bad. There is no point to self hatred. What does it achieve?? I've been there. I still go there sometimes. The only thing that comes from it is me feeling like a giant seagull came and crapped on my head. It IS a tired game. It's a game we ALL need to stop playing. Find a game that's more like Candyland, all rainbows and butterflies. When you play the game of self hatred, it's like playing Snakes and Ladders....except the ladders are short and rare and the snakes are everywhere and really really long. Slippery slope, people!

"It's enough! I've done all I can think of ....Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same" - I would never dare to sit here and tell you that I have chased down all my demons, but I'm definitely working on it. Remember when I said it all tied together? I meant it. Many of the overweight people I have spoken to, and I'm included in this group, will tell you that there is a pivotal moment in their lives when they started really piling on the weight. Yeah, yeah there's some who were heavy as kids and carried it on, or gained weight while pregnant and never lost it....but many people have a "demon" of sorts that started it all. YES food is the thing people blame. After all, it's food we're shoving down our throats. But, for me at least, food was the drug. Food was, and sometimes still is, the comfort. The cure. The pacifier.

Chase down your demons. Exorcise them. Stop feeding them with crap. Easier said than done, I know. But try!

I'm there's one or two of you sitting here thinking that it's all well and good for me to spout all this, but am I actually following my own advice? I try to. And most days, I do a damn good job of it. Then there's days like the ones after my husband lost his job and my emotions were all over the place, that I ate anything that wasn't physically nailed down. I still don't have a handle on it all the time, but I try. And that's all you can do. Try.

Having said that, I'd like to point you in the direction of the chorus for that song:

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than f*ckin perfect.

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're f*ckin perfect to me!"

So. While you're trying to chase down the demons, while you're doing your best to look in the mirror and like yourself, while you're eating the good foods & exercising your butt off, remember TWO things.....

1) You are perfect to ME. And chances are, you're perfect to a bunch of other people too.

2) thefreedictionary.com defines perfect as:

per·fect

adj.

1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.

2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.

3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.

4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.

5.

a. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.

b. Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.

6. Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.

7. Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.

8. Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.

9. Botany Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.

10. Grammar Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.

11. Music Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.

Did you see #4 and #8?

"Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation"

"Excellent and delightful in all respects"

YOU are suited for a particular purpose. To be YOU. And YOU are excellent AND delightful in all respects.

Perfect. But hey...it's just a word. Just be you. You rock.

**********

For a different, but incredibly valuable, take on perfection and the way it impacts our lives, I'd like to invite you to go visit Single Dad Laughing and his post, "The disease called 'Perfection' ".

And if you need some uplifting of a different sort, check out Operation Beautiful. It's awesome.

New toys, New adventures

I know this will come as a huge surprise to many of you but, I am not a huge fan of exercise. I do it because I have to. I am slowly coming around as I realise the stress relieving effects and general well being improvements that come with it, and I try and ignore my mother's voice in the back of my head as she says "I told you so".

I have grown to enjoy walking. Immensely! I plug myself into my iPod, strap on my shoes and off I go. I can happily walk for a good hour and a half before I even realise how far I've gone. I find it a great way to improve my head space, clear out the cobwebs and start fresh.

Running has yet to warm the cockles of my heart, but I'm sure that it will keep trying. I'm going to be restarting the Couch to 5K program very soon and now that I've found some better music (with prompts) to do it with, I'm sure it will be more appealing. Well, as appealing as running can be to someone who is as unfit and heavy as I am.

Swimming is enjoyable and now that I have a snazzy new swimsuit, I will be a little more relaxed as I dash from the changing rooms to the pool and try to slip in before the hot lifeguard sees me. Because, you know, he totally can't tell how fat I am once I'm under the water. Yes, I'm a doofus. I've also started the process to be a swim teacher, so it's getting more fun.

And then we come to biking. This is where new toys come into it. I was doing some cycling at the gym, but that's really no fun. It's hot in the gym, there's nothing to look at, there's gym bunnies prancing around in their lycra. Outside? The wind is against you a lot, it's hot (because it's summer right now), and there's cars to deal with. But, man, is it ever exhilerating!!

This is my new toy:

Her name is Greta. It was the first name to pop into my head when I got her. She is one speed, has back pedal brakes and a front hand brake, the seat is nice and wide & comfy, and she's awesome.

I've ridden all over town on her a couple of times today and my butt doesn't even hurt. Yet. I'm hoping to ride the bike as much as possible, if only to save money on gas!

Very shortly there'll be a nifty little basket to go on the front and I'll be able to use it for all sorts of things.

Do you have a bike? Do you use it?

Perhaps between the swimming and the biking, my plateau will be shattered and I will be able to finally hit that 25kg mark! Wouldn't that be fantastic?!?

**********

In other, slightly unrelated news, I got an email from someone at Treadmill Reviews today. For some reason, I decided not to delete the email as spam before I read it, and I was pleasantly surprised. As with the Nursing Schools list, I'm not sure how many people will see, read or even pay attention to the list, but I'm happy to be featured on there. And I get a snazzy badge to display on my sidebar!

If you're curious as to who else is on the list, head on over HERE and check it out!

These things I know.....

Sometimes I feel like all I do is flip flop around, not really knowing for sure which way is up, what I'm doing or where I'm meant to be going. This doesn't just apply to the weight loss side of my life, unfortunately, but to everything. There are some days where I feel like I've got it all together and then other days where I feel like a chicken with my head cut off, running around waiting for something to either save me or finish me off.

And, while it does apply to my entire life, I have felt it the most in my quest to become a healthier me. When I re-joined Weight Watchers back in November 2009, I swore it would be the last time I had to do that. I've stuck to that oath, but it hasn't been easy. I've nearly thrown in the towel a couple of times. The first time I gained weight, the first time I got sick and couldn't get the exercise in that I wanted, and then when I hit a plateau for....well I'm still on it.

The thing with this whole path we're travelling is that it's not all going to be fun and games in Munchkin Land. Occasionally we're going to end up trying to make our way through the woods, avoiding the Wicked Witch and trying not to get pelted with apples.

"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."

~ Lawrence J. Peter

Keeping our eyes on the goal is what gets most of us through from one day to the next. Picturing ourselves in new shirt or hot pair of jeans, thinking about next summer when we can wear a bathing suit without fear of Greenpeace showing up to stop the whale hunters from killing us, finishing that race that we've been training for - it's all motivation. It's why I haven't quit. I've kept going, and I'll continue to show up at my meetings. My weight may have pretty much plateaued for the last 6 months, but I NEED those meetings. I have made myself mentally accountable to the people in those meetings. Plus, Tex hunts me down on Facebook if I haven't shown up for a week or two! Those are the things that get me through.

I've been pretty absent around these parts since just before Christmas. This country pretty much shuts down over the holiday season. I guess Christmas combined with summer is just too good an excuse to take off. I didn't take off in the literal sense, but I did decide to take a break from here. But, the kids are back in school, the husband is back at work full time, and I have come to the conclusion that I must, must, MUST get my arse back in gear.

So, here's some final things that I know right now....

1) I am inherently lazy. As such, I have discovered that I absolutely must schedule exercise time into my day. I already use a planner for work and errands, so now right after 8:30 - 9:30 WORK, 9:30 - 10:30 ERRANDS, my diary will read 10:30 - 12:00 GYM/WALK/SWIM. If I don't schedule it, it won't happen.

2) I cheat on my eating. A lot. I track for a few days, being really good with the things I eat, then I screw up and stop tracking. My brain decides that the rest of the week is a write off, and I carry on being naughty. This doesn't happen every week, but it happens for more than it should. My new plan, thanks to a lovely lady I know, is to email her daily with my points and food tracker. I'm also going to add a Food Diary page to this here blog. If you feel like reading and commenting, go ahead, but don't feel obligated.

It's a new year, people! I don't make resolutions because they invariably fail, but I will tell you this: THIS is our year! We can do this. So get your butt in gear and join me.