FIVE FREAKIN' PERCENT!! (and other stuff)

As of tonight, the end of my sixth week of Weight Watchers, I have officially reached (and surpassed) my 5% goal. Oh yes, my lovelies, that's right. FIVE freakin' percent of my body weight. Which, because I have more lard in my ass than all of Europe used to spread on their bread during WW2, is rather a lot.

When I started this journey six weeks ago, I said I wasn't going to divulge my weight. I feared the mere act of reading the number might send you into convulsions from the shock because, trust me, it was (and still is) a shockingly high number. My mother just about fell off my couch when I told her what it was.

However, in order to fully and properly gloat about my current acheivement, I must break my vow of silence. So, please brace yourself. Also, bear in mind that any mocking, cruel words, or shaming will not be tolerated and I will be forced to come and sit on you. Which will be fun for me but might require the hiring of a chiropractor for you. You have been warned.

Now that that's out of the way...

6 weeks ago, I walked into my first NZ Weight Watchers meeting with a tummy full of huge ass butterflies (or maybe moths, I haven't quite figured that out yet) and waddled up to the scale. I just about cried when the woman wrote down my weight. And yet, it wasn't as high as I was expecting.

158.6 kgs

When I looked at it at first, I thought "Hey, that'd be awesome if it was pounds!!" and then held back the tears again as I converted it into pounds and realised how incredibly heavy I'd gotten. Yet it wasn't as heavy as I had BEEN! Have you done the math yet? That's 348.92 lbs.

(pause for dramatic effect and picking up of jaws off dust covered floor)

I'll admit I was sorely tempted to just say "Screw this" and walk away. Right then. Right there.

But I didn't. I've kept going. And now, after 6 weeks I have the pleasure of being able to jump up and down (carefully for fear of black eyes and sprained boobage) with glee for having reached (and surpassed. Don't forget surpassed!!) my 5% goal.

I lost 600 grams (1.32 lbs) this week.

My total weight loss for six weeks? 8.1 kgs !!!! (17.82 lbs)

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

*~*~*~*

On a slightly less exciting note, I set a couple of goals tonight at my meeting.

1) A bunch of us have decided to sign up for the local half marathon. Feel free to die on my behalf, I'll wait. Done? Ok. Yeah. I agreed to do it, but only if I could walk the whole way. Which, YAY, is totally possible. I have until May 8th to be able to walk 21kms without (a) dying and (b) well, that was about it.

2) A few of us are also going to do the triathlon at the end of 2010. This is a far more achievable goal as far as I'm concerned. I'll likely also end up walking part of that too. I'm never going to be much of a runner.

Goals. Important, yes? Potentially death inducing? Yup. But I'm still gonna do it.

*~*~*~*

Also? I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely (and gorgeous!) Rachel from my Weight Watchers forums tonight. She's visiting from Christchurch and is very sweet, very funny and very leggy. Rachel, it was a pleasure to meet you and I'm very sorry I had to run out of there....family duties. If you're ever back here again, maybe we can grab coffee.

Oops sorry!!

I totally forgot to come and post a quick update. Between work and Christmas, this kind of got lost in the fray.

So. Last week I only lost 400 grams (0.8 ish pounds). I was kind of bummed out but I was horrible at keeping an eye on my food that week and barely exercised.

THIS week, I lost 1.8kgs (3.96 pounds)!!! I've been walking and some other stuff and it paid off.

So over five weeks, I've lost a grand total of 7.5 kgs (16.5 pounds). Some of my clothes are fitting better, I feel better and I'm sloooooowly beginning to look better.

We'll see how I do at weigh in on the 30th after Christmas dinner and all.

Merry Christmas y'all!!

Here's to never throwing up!

See what Snoopy is doing there? That cute little "happy dance"? That's me tonight!! Oh yeah it is!

I lost.....

**drum roll please**

2.1 kgs

at the meeting tonight! (That's 4.62 lbs).

That brings my total weightloss for the last THREE weeks to 5.1kgs (11.22 lbs).

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a bookmark for hitting my 5kg mark. Kind of a cool little reward thing.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling when I see the numbers going DOWN. It's kind of odd actually.

On the one hand, I'm overjoyed to see the weight coming off. I know that if I keep working hard, if I keep doing what I am meant to do and don't cheat, then I will keep losing weight and inches. But on the other hand, it's very emotional as I reflect back on the reasons WHY I am where I am. Obviously I try not to dwell on the latter too much but I definitely need to go there occasionally. If I don't address the reasons why I got fat in the first place, then it's just going to happen all over again and I definitely don't want that.

I realised over the last couple weeks that as I walk into the meeting on Wednesday nights, I'm hesitant. I want to be there but I don't want to be there. Does that make any sense? I want to track how I'm doing, I WANT to see my weight go down but I really don't want to see what is at that very moment in time...because I know it's too high, I know it's not where I want it to be.

So I stand in line and wait my turn. I fidget and talk to people around me, I read the information that I've been given for this week and I wait. Sometimes I make it to the front of the line in 2 minutes, sometimes it takes 15. Either way, I always end up staring at those scales and I always consider walking away. After all, my husband and children love me the way I am. I could just walk away and they wouldn't say a word.

But I stay.

I stay and stare at the scale and try to ignore the butterflies in my tummy that have been getting worse as I worked my way down the line. I stare at the scales and then I look at the skinny woman sitting behind the desk and I have to try to remind myself that it wasn't that long ago that she was standing on this side and hoping that she wasn't being judged. I stare at them and pray for a loss. Any loss.

And then I step on.

At that moment, right when I step on, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Every single week. Seriously. And yet, so far (knock wood...lots of it), I've been successful. But I know that these same things will happen each week. I just hope that I never actually throw up. Because, y'know, embarrassing!

Sun makes everything better

Good Morning Peeples! It's a lovely Tuesday morning here (announcing this might seem strange to many of my readers who are in Australia and are now all "um..DUH...it's Tuesday here too", but I thought I'd make it easy for my North American buds cos sometimes it's confusing) and I'm feeling great!

I didn't manage a walk yesterday because I had a sick wee Boy Spawn home from school and, well, I was just being lazy. To be honest I should have gone for a walk once Hotty Hubby was home but I didn't. I could make excuses about having to make dinner or tidy up or whatever, but they'd be total crap. In fact, in the interests of full transparency, Hotty Hubby got home at 4:30 and we didn't get dinner til 7:00. It only took me 20 minutes to make dinner. Think maybe I could have fit a walk in there? Yeah. I just couldn't. be. ASSED!

However, I did drink a crap load of water, did well with my points and generally enjoyed the sunshine-y day. I even made macaroni and cheese for dinner. From scratch. And not a K or a D in sight (ok...for my Aussie buddies, the K&D are from Kraft Dinner...makers of awesome mac 'n' cheese back in the homeland)! I was so impressed with myself. 5 points per serve, the kids liked it and hubby said I was welcome to make it again. YAY!

I have weigh in tomorrow evening and I'm a teensy bit nervous but I think I'll be ok. Fingers crossed! I shall be blobbish no more! Instead of Shamu, I shall be ..um...I can't think of a thin animal with a human-like name...but that's what I'll be.

Check back tomorrow to see how I did!

Thoughts

As I come to the end of what has been a rather great weekend here in town, I've been pondering a few things.

See, I've been watching Biggest Loser Australia on the mornings that I haven't been working and it's inspiring and frustrating all at the same time.

Confused?

Inspiring ~ these people have left their families and friends behind to go off to what is, for all intents and purposes, a "fat camp" and work their asses off (quite literally) in the hopes of a) becoming healthier, lighter, fitter and possibly better looking and b) win a crap load of money. I watch them work out for hours a day and they're doing really well. And in the process, they're facing a lot of truths about themselves.

Frustrating ~ they are working themselves to the bone at this camp and yeah, they're losing weight, but are they REALLY learning anything? They're fed healthy food, they're told how to work out and it just keeps falling off. Because they have. nothing. else. to. do! If I had hours to work out every day and a personal chef to feed me nothing but a 1200 calorie, healthy diet...I'd be thin too!

What I like the best about this show though, is that the people really have to face some honest truths about themselves, and I think that's the hardest part of the whole weightloss journey - facing the reasons WHY we are where we are and what the repercussions of that are. Just the other day, this guy Sharif said that he was embarrassed to walk down the street with his wife. Not embarrassed for himself (although I'm sure that was part of it)...but embarrassed for HER because she was a tiny little thing and he was...well....he was fat. Very.

I get it. I totally get it. I've felt the same way about going places with my hubby a lot of the time. Next week we have his staff Christmas party to go to, with a bunch of people I've never met, and I'm terrified. I'm worried that they'll judge him because of me. I hate that other people, specifically my family, might be judged, laughed at or talked about because I am overweight. It's hard when he looks like this:

And I look like..well....this:

You get my point. Right?

So what else have I been pondering and doing?

~*~ I really need to give up the negative inner conversations with myself. They aren't helping and in fact, I think they're really holding me back in some areas. Just the other night at my Weight Watchers meeting, I told my leader that written on my bathroom mirror was "You would speak to others the way you speak to yourself". And I wouldn't. So why can't I follow that?

~*~ On Friday afternoon I walked to the school to pick up the kids instead of driving. It's 1.6kms each way, so a round trip is 3.2kms (2 miles). My mother's been saying I should walk on the nice days instead of driving, but I just kept brushing it off as yet another "Mom-ism". This time it occurred to me on my own ...so I did it. And I felt GREAT afterwards.

~*~ I've been really struggling with finding point friendly recipes for dinner time. I do fine at breakfast and lunch and even with snacking during the day...but come dinner time, I'm lost. So I make dinner for Hubby and the kids and then I have a sandwich and a salad. BO-RING! Anyone have any inspiration for me? Something I could make in the slow cooker would be great!

~*~ It has come to my attention that I am not nearly as sweet as I had originally thought. Those who know me are NOT shocked by this revelation, but it rocked me to the core. See, I went for a walk tonight...In. The. Rain. I walked for 3.5kms (2.2 miles) and I walked hard. Felt awesome when I got home too!

~*~ Black Eyed Peas and Paramore are fantastic to walk to.

~*~ People in this town are supportive. On my walk, I had a woman give me the thumbs up as she drove by, and a GUY honk and yell out his window "Good job girl!!" as he watched me walk. It was great and gave me the oomph to keep going all the way home.


That's it for today lovelies.

Another week gone...

This is just going to be a short post. An itemized list, if you will.

1. I didn't get the job. I can't say whether it was because they didn't want to hire a fat chick or if my qualifications were just not up to par. Either way, I am not employed in my field. Yet. I'm still looking.
2. I didn't have the best week, as far as food is concerned, but I didn't have a bad week either. I stayed in my points range every day, but probably could have made some better choices. I bought some WW bars and stuff last week and I was eating them for snacks. Chocolate-y and yummy. And yet, I'm WELL aware that I should have been eating fruit instead. So I will change that this week. More salad and fruits...less other stuff.
3. My whole "I can't go cold turkey with the soda/pop so I'm going to drink an entire bottle of water for every glass of Coke Zero that I drink" thing was crap. A day and a half in, and I was drinking Coke Zero and no water. So that will change this week too. Water, water, water, water.
4. I didn't exercise. At all. Pathetic really. I didn't even bother to go for a walk. Now, in my defense it has been pretty much pouring rain for the last 3 days and I can't very well walk in the rain can I? I'd melt! All that sugary sweetness that I possess would just melt away! Ok, ok I know....it's all crap. And I will be going for at LEAST a 30 minute walk every day this week. AND checking out the sports centre.
5. All that stuff aside though? I did lose 800 grams this week. (That's 1.74 pounds for my North American friends.) I'm happy with that. A loss is a loss right?

That's it for today darlings. Have a good week!!

The truth hurts....like a punch to the head.

It's true what they say. "They" being the powers that be that decide on what words will make up the numerous cheesy cliches that we use. And today "they" were proved right. Which of course made me want to hunt them down and tie them to the front of a train, but that's beside the point.

Where was I before I so rudely digressed? Oh yes. It's true what they say. The truth hurts. It's like a punch to the head, or someone giving you a supreme truth wedgie. Hurts like a ....well, that's rude and I won't go there, I'll save it for my other blog.

How does it hurt? Ah well my lovelies, you are smart to ask.

Oh let me list the ways....

1) Although I already have a job, it doesn't give me very many hours and it isn't what I went back to school to get trained for. So, I've carried on looking for employment in my field. I've sent out letters and resumes to all and sundry and not having too much luck. The job market here is not as great as I might like right now. But yesterday I got a phone call from a firm here in town who I have now applied to twice. Could I please come in for an "informal discussion" (read: interview that stresses me out beyond belief)? Absolutely!

This, of course, presented me with a problem. No. Nice. Clothes. Well I'll just go shopping. HA! Yeah right. This might be a relatively easy feat for you folks who fit nicely into the societal norm of what size we should be and, as a result, the averages sizes that the designers churn out. However, for a someone my size who more closely resembles the prize cow in the field down the road than Heidi Klum, it can be a tad more difficult.

As I dragged my extremely shopping resistant spawnlets (they come by it honestly. I hate shopping.) around the store trying to find something interview appropriate, I found myself on the verge of tears. So many gorgeous shirts, skirts, pants, dresses and jackets.....all in sizes smaller than I can even dream of fitting into right now. I finally found the "oversize" area (yeah..heaven forbid they call it "plus size" like the rest of the world, they have to label us like the back of those Mack Trucks hauling friggin' houses!) and guess what? Sweet F All!

Ok, that's not strictly true. I did find a pair of pants in a lovely grey colour that were my size. I tried them on and couldn't decide what was wrong with them. But something was. So I bought them (because I'm stupid) and brought them home to model for my mother. She kindly pointed out that because I'd got them big enough to go up over my ass just to get them to my waist, I now had pants that were too big in the ass and I looked like I was wearing saddlebags. Ok. The pants were returned, I spent another HOUR wandering all (two) of the "Heffers Shop Here" aisles and finally found a nice dressy pair of capris that look quite fetching on me.

All in all though, a very humbling and tear inducing experience. One I'd rather not repeat til I've lost a few dozen more kilos.

The truth is, I'm too heavy to shop happily. That truth hurts.

2) (This one will be shorter I promise!) One of the requirements for this job I interviewed for was that the applicant have "excellent presentation skills, both in manner and appearance". Well, I might come across as an uncouth redneck idiot whenever I open my mouth at times, but when it comes down to it I can sound pretty darn intelligent. Also? I clean up pretty good...my size aside.

When talking about this aspect of the job description with my mother, she pointed that my size might be a distinct DISadvantage for me. Huh? Yeah. I was all "Nuh-UH! They can't discriminate based on the size of my ass!" And she's all "Oh yeah they can. You are presenting the face of their firm and let's face it, a thin person would look better....they can be very selective when it comes to that."

(Note: NOT a direct quote from mother dearest, I'm paraphrasing and perhaps using what I heard as opposed to what she actually said because I'm pretty sure she put it more eloquently than that.)

Once I picked my jaw up off the floor (where, by the way, there was NO food!) and fought back the tears that were welling up, I proceeded to put that little ditty on a loop in my head where it played over and over and over and over and over again until AFTER my interview today.

The truth is, she's right. Given the choice between me and some skinny minny with the same qualifications and experience, they'll likely choose skinny because she looks better for them. And that truth hurts.

3) Children are, up to a certain age, brutally honest. Horribly so. When I went to pick up the spawnlets from school today, I was still all gussied up from my "informal discussion". As I walked down the hallway towards Girl Spawn's classroom, a bunch of kids were walking towards me. A couple of the girls started giggling with each other and I didn't think much of it.....until they got just past me.

"Oh. My. Gosh! Did you see how FAT she was?!" (like I'm the only queen size mama in the whole freakin' school?)

I brushed it off, filed it in the back of my head to put spiders in the offending kid's backpack, and kept walking. Then I heard more giggling and...

"Hahaha yeah she was big! Even MY mom's not that big."

"She looks like she's going to have a baby"

"Maybe she is!"

"Nuh-UH! She's just fat. Hahahahahaha! Like a cow!"

"Shhhhh!!! She can totally hear us!" (ok, you get a free pass for that one...this time.)

I had to leave. I went back out to my car and sat there and cried. It would have hurt to hear coming from anyone's mouth, but after the last 24 hours it hurt more somehow. I just sat there and cried for about 10 minutes before I was finally brave enough to waddle back into the school.

The truth is, she was right. I AM fat. And I DO look like I'm going to have a baby. And that truth hurts. A LOT.

But you know what? That's exactly why I'm doing this journey. One. Last. Time. So that eventually when I go shopping, I can shop on the same racks as my sister. (ok, that might be a stretch...she looks like a model) So that when I go for an interview, I know they're looking more at my qualifications and my boobs than they are at the size of my stomach. So that my kids don't have to worry about having the "fat mom".

And more than anything, so that I can live.

The truth hurts, but sometimes the pain is worth it in the long run.

What a great first week!

Well. I dragged my ass into the weigh in room last night, dreading stepping onto that scale. It's a horrifying feeling, standing there wondering if you really DID do well this week and if it will be reflected on the scale.

The ladies sitting behind those tables have the best poker faces I have ever seen. I'm surprised they're not rolling in $ from winning card games! As I stepped on the scale my leader, Heather, kept a perfectly dead pan face as she wrote down the numbers. Meanwhile, I just about fell OFF the scale in astonishment.

2.4 kgs!!

(That's 5.28 lbs for you non metric people)

What a great loss for a first week where in truth I've struggled a bit. Not from personal choices but from lack of knowledge about how best to allocate points. But it seems I didn't do that badly.

I am getting better at the points thing. Now it's more about meal planning.

When the rest of the family is having meat and potatoes, or meat and rice, I sub in a salad for the carbs. I haven't figured out how to deal with pasta yet. I LOVE pasta and it's kind of a weakness (along with chips and pop). I'll get there.

Oh! On the pop (soda) front.... I tried to go cold turkey on that. I tried to cut it out altogether. Screw that. I like my Coke. So instead, I switched to Coke Zero/Diet Coke because it's 0 points. BUT I made the rule that for every 250ml glass of coke I drink, I have to drink a whole 700 ml bottle of water. Seems to be working so far!

Before I go...

Last night, my son didn't want to finish his dinner. Hubby didn't want it. Ordinarily, I would just eat it because HEAVEN FORBID I just throw the leftover food out! I reached for the plate, my hand was half way there, and then I remembered what Heather (my leader) had said at the meeting just a half hour before....

"Plate pickers wear BIG knickers"

Too true, my friends! Too true.

Here's to another good week!

Progress....it's good yes?

It's been just shy of a week since I rejoined Weight Watchers. In the last 6 days I have tried to get used to counting points again, eating smaller portions (much smaller!), drinking more water and getting more exercise. Now, I LOATHE exercise. I would much rather sit on my backside on my couch and read a book than go for a walk, but I've been trying. Not much more than a half hour walk on any given day so far, but it's better than nothing.

What I have noticed more than anything in the last week is how much better I feel already. Just by implementing the stuff I just mentioned, I have felt 10 times better than I did last week.

For the last...oh I don't know, forever?....I have been exhausted. Permanently it seems. I've gotten headaches every couple of days, some of them so bad that I just wanted to crawl into a big dark (and quiet) hole. My stomach has been iffy at the best of times.

But since starting this? I feel awake. Alive! The last three nights running, I have gone to bed later than usual and then gotten up earlier than usual in the morning, and yet I still feel fine..nay! GREAT!...during the day. It's kind of amazing.

No headaches. And my tummy is soooooo much better.

As for my food choices, they're ok. Probably not as good as they could be, but better than they have been. No chips. No chocolate. I had some Weight Watchers ice cream for a treat on Friday night. And Saturday. And Sunday. Yeah ok, so that probably wasn't best...but I accounted for the damn points. So sue me.

I'm hoping my weight will be down tomorrow, but we'll see. Fingers crossed everyone!!

A move in the right direction

I joined Weight Watchers tonight. For the 4th time. *sigh*

I figure it's a move in the right direction isn't it? I need to do this. For my sake, for my children's sake, I. Need. To. Do. This.

So I walked in and filled in the forms, then payed the fee and stepped on the scale. It was better than I expected. I have actually lost weight since we moved here. Which is good right?

I'm not going to post my weight here, not yet. I'm not brave enough, nor do I know who (if anyone) is reading. I guess I'm scared of nasty comments. I suppose I could enable comment moderation. We'll see. I think I might wait a few weeks and see how it goes with the actual weight loss...then I might post it.

In the meantime...my goals for the week:-

• Go for at LEAST a 45 minute walk each day
• Drink at least 3 bottles of water per day. My bottle holds 700mls.
• Track my food, sticking to my points allowance.
• Chill. I know it sounds silly but if I stress about this, it won't work.

So there you have it. This is me, on my journey, for good this time!

Well don't I suck?!

May?! I haven't posted here since MAY?! What happened to all that resolve I had? All that "get up and go" to lose the pounds and pounds of weight that I'm carrying around every day? Weight that is doing damage to my back and my knees. Not to mention my heart and other organs.

It's November now! No. Vem. Ber! It's coming up to summer and am I ANY slimmer and closer to being able to look hot in cute little summer dresses and tank tops?

Hellz no!

You know what has changed since May though? Other than our move to New Zealand? I got a job. I'm a community support worker, looking after (mostly) elderly people. And on a daily basis I hear all about their ailments...largely around their joints and their hearts. It really hits home when they tell me that they wish they'd looked after themselves better when they were young.

One of my clients has had to go into permanent care because her adult onset diabetes has caused so many problems in her legs that she can barely walk. Not to mention the heart attacks she's been having since she was 45!

It's scary shit people...and it really makes me realise what I'm doing to myself.

I almost wish I WAS married to a guy who hated that I was fat. That he would tell me everyday that I should get off my fat ass and go for a walk. But then I realise how lucky I am that my darling husband doesn't talk to me like that. He's supportive of me no matter what I do, but he tells me I'm beautiful every day. And while that's a HUGE ego boost, it doesn't help with the weightloss.

What does help is hearing the tales from those the old folks, being uncomfortable squished into a tiny airplane flight for a THIRTEEN hour flight across the Pacific, not being able to find clothes that fit properly. I want to be able to buy the cute clothes...not the fat lady clothes. I want to make my husband proud when we go out together.

I know, I know, I sound like a broken record. I've said it all before. But I'm 30! I'm not getting any younger and it's not getting any easier to lose the weight is it? The longer I stay fat, the closer I get to my own personal heart attack...and my kids don't deserve that.

So. There is just over 6 months til my 31st birthday. How many inches can I slough off between now and then? How many pounds can I leave behind?

I actually have no idea how much I weigh. I'll have to stop in at the doc's office and use their scale as I don't actually own one. Sadly I can't afford Weight Watchers Online (or actual meetings) right now, but I'm trying to get my hands on a WW Points book so I can keep track.

Now I need you...if there is anyone out there who reads this....to keep me accountable. And hey, if you need to lose some weight too, then join me!! We can challenge each other.

Some insight!

I think I established a long time ago, in my own head at least, that I was an emotional eater. Happy, sad, excited, angry, bored..blah blah blah...all an excuse to eat. Something I have more recently discovered is that I don't eat when I'm stressed!! I know a lot of people chow down on chocolate and chips and other goodies when they're anxious, others smoke....me? I apparently just stop eating for the most part and start guzzling insane amounts of water and diet pop.

I'm sure the diet pop isn't doing me any favours either, but wow..I stop eating? How weird is that?

Today was horribly stressful as we are trying to get ready to move out of our house in 10 days....and it's a huge worry that weighs on me daily. In addition to all that, I had to force myself to eat anything today.

Ahhhh.

The week of bad choices

Guess what I had for dinner Tuesday night?

Pizza.

Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight?

Chinese food.

I had a (small) bowl of chips sitting in front of the tv last night....at 10pm. I had a VENTI Strawberry & Creme Blended Frappucin WITH Whip this afternoon. That'd be the uber large for you folks who don't speak Starbucks. And just for good measure, that ginormous blended deliciousness is the ONLY thing that has made it's way into my stomach today other than the teeny tiny Diet Pepsi I am drinking as I sit here.

You can imagine how well my search for my feet is doing. It's going really well. When I sit down on my recliner and put the foot rest up, there are my feet! See? I told you I could do it!

Yeah yeah, ok...I get it. I'm supposed to be able to stand up straight, look down and see my feet. As if it wasn't bad enough that my boobs are in the way, there's also a huge belly there. Seriously, I'm giving Santa a run for his money. How sad is that?

So why am I sitting here telling you in advance of the bad choice I know I'm going to make this evening when I sit down to plow my way through a plate of greasy goodness? Because I'm human dammit! I know that I should be having a salad instead. I know that that salad should have a side of water with an exercise chaser. I know all these things. But I also know that this has been quite a stressful week. I spent Monday in the ER, and since then Girl Spawn has gotten pretty sick. What better way to cope than to eat copious amounts noodles & pork?

I have begun to be very aware of my issues surrounding food, and those are things that I will attempt to explore in the coming weeks and months. I know that I am incredibly unhealthy right now. Those bad food choices up there though? They're unusual for me right now. I've been eating pretty well. Yes of course I slip up....but it's becoming (thankfully) less frequent now.

The ultimate irony as I prepare to eat triple my weight back in calories tonight? I'm watching Oprah's show on Kirstie Alley and other heavy weight people. Yeah. I'm pathetic.

A new beginning?

It seems like every year I decide that THIS is the year I'm going to lose all this weight. This is the year I am going to drag my ass out the door and get some exercise. Or more to the point, just drag it off the couch. That would be a good start. This is the year I will eat better, drink more water, get more sleep. This is the year.

I get off to a decent start, I lose a bit of weight, and then I let life take over. I stop eating well, I sit around more, and before I know it I'm right back where I began. Or worse, I'm even heavier than when I began.

I think that part of the reason for this is I have never really given myself the right motivation. I've also never explored the reasons for why I am fat in the first place. Yes, yes, I know that over eating and lack of exercise is the biggest reason...but I also know that there are underlying issues at play. Issues I've never cared to explore. Issues that MUST be addressed in order for me to get anywhere.

And so I begin anew. I am a month shy of my 30th birthday and as I look online (Facebook) at all the pictures of the people I went to school with and see how fantastic they all look, how incredibly gorgeous my ex (and first "real") boyfriend looks, I wonder what the hell went wrong with me. Then I look at my children and wonder why I am not doing more to ensure that I am going to be around for a long long time for them. Then I look at my husband and try and figure out why I am not doing more to make him proud to be out with me on his arm. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how hot I look or whatever..and I believe him...but really.And finally I look at myself in the mirror. I look at the rolls, the dimples, the pudge, the blubber. And I wonder how I can possibly keep fooling myself into thinking that I am ok with looking like this.

You know what? I'm NOT ok with looking like this. Clothes don't look right, I'm not in ANY pictures unless I take them myself and then it's only a headshot. I don't have the energy to run around after my kids and play with them. And when I get on a plane in a month or so to (hopefully) fly to New Zealand, I'm 99% sure I am going to have to get a seatbelt extender. How incredibly mortifying is that?!

So, here I am. Starting again. This time, for good.

In this space I will explore my feelings around food and exercise, around my health and my weight. I will babble on about how I'm choosing to fix the problem. I may even post pictures to show progress. Maybe.

I have a significant amount of weight to lose. I have no idea how much I weigh right now but I'd say I have about 180lbs to lose. That's an ENTIRE PERSON people!!! That's just shy of what my husband weighs. *sob*

I can do this. I HAVE to do this.

Stay tuned....I'm going to be looking for my feet.

Make like a sheep

Do you have a question? Would you like to offer some advice or constructive criticism? Do you feel like submitting a guest post? Do you have something that you want to say, but don't want to leave a comment?

Then please, fire me off an email at mindofamadwoman AT hotmail DOT com .(or click that giant envelope below!) I'd love to hear from you and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

About Me

I have been overweight since the age of 18. Actually, to tell the truth, I've been technically overweight since I was 16 but it never really looked too bad til I was 18. I have steadily put on weight for the last 13 years. I have done Weight Watchers 3 other times.

But this isn't the story of those times. This is the story of now. The story of how I caught a reflection of myself in a window one day and before realizing it was me, I thought "Holy crap that chick is FAT!". When I recognised myself, I just about cried. I could suddenly hear the thoughts of everyone around me and I didn't like what I was hearing.

"That girl needs to go on a major diet. Stat!"

"How did she get that big?"

"She waddles like a duck"

"Please don't let her trip and fall on me."

"Woah. It's like she decided that eating LIKE a horse wasn't good enough and she just ate the horse instead."

It was a huge wake up call. Additionally, we'd just finished moving half way across the world from Canada to New Zealand and I had spent over 16 hours traveling on planes with teeny tiny seats, wedging my ass in and trying to quietly ask for an extension for my seat belt without dying of humiliation (though I'm pretty sure that I was so firmly stuck in the seat that I wasn't going anywhere).

I was tired of not being able to chase my kids around the park, of not being able to tie my shoes without getting into a pose most people don't see outside of yoga class, of finding myself out of breath just from walking up a flight of 10 stairs or of becoming so depressed from clothes shopping that I seriously considered investing in a closet full of mumus.

So, for the FOURTH (and hopefully final) time since I was 18, I joined Weight Watchers. Somehow, stepping on those scales was both horrifying and liberating all at the same time. I weighed in at a whopping 158.6 kgs (348.92 lbs) and yet in the back of my head all I could hear was "that's not even the heaviest you've been, heffer!"

This blog is the record of my journey from Hungry Hungry Hippo to Hipster Hotty. I hope you'll follow along, join in with advice or support and even share your own journey.

**You can also find me blogging over at Mind of a Mad Woman**